When you have a big family and you're the last to go poo...

...it really stinks.

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 04 2022
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I wish my family wouldn't make such a big deal over not picking up dropped ice cubes.

It's just water under the fridge.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 51
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Snowdoggo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Magmagan
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2021
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Bob:.. I went to see my doctor about having a vasectomy Jack:.. " That's a pretty big decision, have you talked it over with your family?"

Bob:..."Yes, they're in favor of it, 14 to 3..."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Brucemoose1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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What kind of fruit do you serve to the couple whose family forces them to have a big wedding?

Canโ€™t elope

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Coneskater
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Why did the Watermelon and the Honeydew decide to have a big family church wedding?

Because they Cantelope...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Meatman2013
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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Puns for Pooper Scooper Business name?

Ok r/puns, help me have some fun :)

Launching a pooper scooper business and need help with business name suggestions.

Parameters:

  • Would rather not directly use the word โ€œpoopโ€
  • One to Two words ideal, three max
  • family friendly

Current big names in the industry:

  • DoodyCalls
  • Poop 911
  • Pet Butler
  • Scoop Soldiers

Value Prop:

  • Home of the five-star sanitizer & scoop
  • Save time by letting us handle your pups dirty doo (Busy moms / professionals)
  • Keep your yard sanitary for your furry friends and children

Fire away! ๐Ÿ’ฉ

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2023
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an unexpected emotional journey

My cousin (MtF) has just come out to the family- she told some of us "younger" ones but she was afraid especially of what her dad's reaction would be. He's a man of few words and was never outgoing or very affectionate to his kids, his side of the family is pretty conservative as well. A very as-seen-on-TV-in-the-90s dad with a handlebar moustache and multiple different-but-same polo t-shirts. Her mum passed a few years ago and they are even more distant than ever. It was finally the big day and she told him in front of a couple of us. The silence seemed to stretch on into the infinite. After some time, he got up, and without even a slight change in expression he said- "so I guess you can't see me now".

...

More silence

...

"Because I'm a transparent geddit?" With the most gigantic smile I've EVER seen him crack.

It's been 5 days and he's been cracking the same joke on every opportunity he can, ever since.

Edit- I forgot my favorite part- he asked her if she would like to add her mum's name in her new one because he missed saying it. I BAWLED my eyes out.

Edit2: obligatory I can't believe how much this blew up! We met at a family gathering yesterday and he was still chuckling so i decided to post this. I sent my cousin this post and she says he's very proud of himself. Thanks for all the awards! This is crazy!

I see that there was some confusion about the moustache description - we're a first generation Indian - Hindu family, and it's traditional especially for the older generation I think.

It's a cute moment, but not everyone is as positive. Some neighbors, people at school, a teacher or so (it's just a phase! you'll ruin your life!), and she's been handling calls all day from AH family members who only call for gossip.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dopeaminenotanime
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2022
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I need help with a joke I've been working on for YEARS. It's about Joseph Stallin, the oxymoron

He's the only man in history who was Stallin and Russian at the same time.

...it's an audible joke spoken in slang. The ingredients are there, but it takes too much explanation

I know I've already ruined it . Bring on the down votes but please help me make it flow better. I've been beating it around since the old 'experience project' days

To be clear, the premise of the joke is that Stallin sounds like "stalling" and Russian sounds like "rushing."

..is it an oxymoron or a paradox?

Oohe.. bonus.. an oxymoron is a dummy who doesn't know how to apply pimple cream and a paradox is footwear worn by skinheads (pair of docs) . ..kinda harsh, huh.. maybe 2 doctors?

Ok, bring on the crickets and the down votes. I can take it...๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿค•๐Ÿ˜

Big EDIT: I absolutely mean no disrespect to any Russians, Georgians, Ukrainians, or any Eastern Europeans whatsoever. Or anybody anywhere. ..or any kinds of groups of any kind of people, or any members of the Stalin family, past, present or future.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/milny_gunn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 22 2022
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

โ€œOf course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

โ€œNow I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

โ€œDad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

โ€œHi Honoured, I'm Dad."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OwenJthomas89
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 16 2022
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit theyโ€™re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. โ€œIโ€™d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,โ€ it says. โ€œSorry, but I canโ€™t serve you,โ€ the bartender replies. โ€œYouโ€™re out of your head.โ€

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. โ€œWe donโ€™t serve your kind here,โ€ the bartender says. โ€œWhy not?โ€ one yogurt asks. โ€œWeโ€™re cultured.โ€

A friend of mine didnโ€™t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heโ€™s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and thereโ€™s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, โ€œWhat are you staring at? Havenโ€™t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?โ€ The guy says, โ€œItโ€™s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.โ€

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, โ€œWhatโ€™s with the paper towel?โ€ The pirate says, โ€œArrr! Iโ€™ve got a Bounty on me head!โ€

A turtle is crossing the road when heโ€™s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, โ€œI donโ€™t know. It all happened so fast.โ€

Armed robbersโ€”some say theyโ€™re a drain on society, but youโ€™ve got to give it to them.

Barbersโ€ฆyou have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Donโ€™t forget the pickle. Itโ€™s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereโ€™s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisโ€ฆ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bugasum
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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A family sat down to dinner...

They had prepared quite the spread with steak, corn, salad, and everyone had their own favorite side. The father had prepared his own signature spice blend and was encouraging everyone to try it. The son tried a little bit on his mac and cheese. Unfortunately he began coughing as it was too spicy, but was able to rinse it down with a bit of water and was fine.

The daughter didn't believe it could be as spicy as her brother claimed, so she put some of the spice blend on her mashed potatoes. She took a big bite and after a bit her face turned red and she began coughing and spluttering and went and got herself a glass of milk in order to help with the spiciness.

The mother laughed, knowing that the blend was spicy, but decided to try some anyway on her fries. She was conservative with her application, and could handle her spice better than her children so she thought she would be fine. And, if it weren't for a small bit of fry trying to go down the wrong pipe, causing her to cough, splutter and wheeze, she would have made it out unscathed.

Finally the father, after having witnessed that none of his family were able to master his own homemade spice blend, added it to every bit of his meal. The steak, the corn, his green beans and even his salad. He the requested some of each of the others' sides, and added the spices to some mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and fries as well. Then, to show he was not joking around, he added some hot sauce to top it all off. He began happily chowing down on every bit of it, completely unconcerned with the level of spice. He did not turn red, he did not cough, he did not splutter, he did not wheeze.

However, in his gusto to complete the meal, he was eating faster than he normal would and a half-chewed piece of steak unfortunately made it down the wrong pipe. His eyes went wide. Still, he did not cough, he did not splutter, he did not wheeze. But, he did begin to turn red. And then, he began to turn blue. Seeing that her husband was choking, the mother got up from the table and started trying to give the heimlich to the father. It didn't seem to be working until suddenly -- p-tooo, out came the piece of steak. Then the father coughed, spluttered and wheezed.

As he tried to regain his breath, his family heard that he was trying to say something between coughing fits. A 'thank you' to his wife, most likely. Or perhaps he was trying to say he should have slowed down and not eaten so fast to show them up. When he finally got

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SnooGuavas3403
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
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A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metalโ€ฆ Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of โ€˜โ€™Stairway to Heavenโ€™โ€™. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner canโ€™t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.

The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that heโ€™s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, heโ€™s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time heโ€™ll ever get to do it.

The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything heโ€™s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.

That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that theyโ€™ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.

The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before heโ€™s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. โ€˜โ€™Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of โ€˜Stairway to Heavenโ€™, but tonight, I figured Iโ€™d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.โ€™โ€™ He sits down and starts playing.

He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes

For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like โ€˜โ€™pineapple sauce!โ€™โ€™ and โ€˜โ€™love and hate are second cousins!โ€™โ€™. He screams then whispers, playing notes that donโ€™t make any sort of reasonable sense.

The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet itโ€™s justโ€ฆ horrendous.

The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SpadesFairy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
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What's 10 Newtons?

That's a big family... of Newtons.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SpadarHarlachvacki
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2022
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My nephew recently started using โ€œBigโ€ words

His vocabulary has been expanding since starting kindergarten and has been using big words in phrases like: โ€œThat house is ginormous!โ€ โ€œThat movie was bombastic!โ€ โ€œMy parents are fantastical!โ€

Recently I just turned 21 and the family was throwing a big party. He came to me with the brightest smile and shouted, โ€œCongratulations Uncle, you are adulterated!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fraxinus88
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 10 2022
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While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, theyโ€™re dead."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Taylordprints
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 218
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Dad is very welcoming of aunt's new boyfriend

So we were having a big family video call last night, since we're all on different continents, and my aunt was introducing us to her new boyfriend, Bill.

> Cousin: So when is Bill gonna come visit us, so we can meet him in person? > > Aunt: Oh, I don't know, Bill doesn't really fly (he's afraid of flying) > > Dad: He doesn't have to, the plane does. > > Long distance family groan

๐Ÿ‘︎ 791
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/llirving
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2016
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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Maimonides_vii
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/M3gaC00l
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Dads United

The approval rating of dad jokes in my household has fallen farther and harder than Hans off Nakatomi in my household of late. Not to be a big baby, but it's been really disheartening for me.

We all know our dad jokes can get tiring and annoying; that's part of the point. True masters carefully toe the line between just enough and too much, and to great effect. We do it because we genuinely want to bring joy to those around us with almost child-like mirth.

Not be able to share that with my family lately has been disappointing.

But coming to this sub warms my heart. So thank you to all of you here.

I am very grateful. #obligatoryset-up;)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sherwoodsteele
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Jam is made of sticks

Was walking round a public park today with the family, and the where these big doughnut shaped bushes. I told my 8 daughter they are full of jam...

Her: Don't be stupid, they are full of sticks.

Me: But what is jam like when you get it on your fingers?

Her: it's sticky...grrrrr < KICK >

Me: Owch! < lol >

๐Ÿ‘︎ 149
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mub
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 10 2016
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There was once a skier named Picabo Street.

Seriously. She was really big in the '90s; winning a number of medals at the Olympics and other events.

Sadly, after she was done skiing, she got into a really bad accident.

The newspapers the next day all said: Picabo ICU.

Shoutout to my Grandfather who told this joke to every. single. person. he ever met. Everyone in my family can tell this joke at the drop of a hat because of him.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gameronomist
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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Hey r/dadjokes, what's my elf name?

I need an elf name for a 5k charity run. It's called "The Big Elf Run" and it has to be family friendly. But seeing as this is the most creative sub on Reddit I thought you guys could help.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bossman01
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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A family of balloons

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.

But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.

"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"

"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.

"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.

"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.

"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/aesyr_raps
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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The Wong and White wedding

While in high school, Dana White met and fell in love with David Wong. After a few months the couple decided to get married. Dana insisted on getting married at sunset on the ocean on a yacht. The big day finally arrived and both families joined together to head out for the wedding. The captain of the yacht, checked the weather and saw a storm brewing. He advised the party it was not safe to travel out, but Dana and David both insisted they were going to get married on the ocean at sunset, so everyone loaded up and the boat departed. Sure enough just as the captain was performing the ceremony the storm hit, and the boat capsized killing everyone aboard. The next day the head of the the NTSB, Mr. Perry made this statement. It was a stormy night. So many Wong's and Whites. Neither would change their headstrong ways. The sea was in a rage. The captain turned the page. Their dying wasn't worth what they paid.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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Ice-Cream Puns

What happens after you eat an entire gallon of โ€œAll Naturalโ€ ice cream? You get Breyerโ€™s remorse!


How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.


How do astronauts eat their ice creams? In floats!


What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi aโ€™la mode.


What does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.


Why donโ€™t they make ice cream from breast milk? Itโ€™s an udderly bad idea!


Where is the best place to get an ice cream? IN A SUNDAY SCHOOL.


What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? Whatโ€™s the scoop


Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.


Your evil stepdad isnโ€™t โ€œpresidentialโ€ just because he got you ice cream and told you things would change after

beating the shit out of you.


In 1973 my dad left to get ice cream and never came back. Mom says heโ€™s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.


If my house catches fire after Iโ€™ve sat down with a bowl of ice cream, Iโ€™m going down like the goddamn captain of a ship.


I try not to judge people based on first impressions but if I see you put gummy bears on your ice cream stay away from me and my family.


Guy on my train: a crowded Amtrak on a freezing day is the right time and place for me to enjoy a big ass ice cream cone


What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream


What happens after you eat an entire gallon of โ€œAll Naturalโ€ ice cream? You get Breyerโ€™s remorse!


How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.


How do astronauts eat their ice creams? In floats!


What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi aโ€™la mode.


The new Baywatch Official Trailer reminds me that bathing suit season is right around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the ice cream truck.


You can buy eel-flavored ice cream in Japan.I guess if you are out of chocolate and vanilla.


Being in a long term relationship and seeing your partner naked is like driving a hearse that plays ice cream truck music. Mixed emotions


I wish I had as much hope as the guy driving the ice cream truck around in February.


MC Hammer eats a lot of ice cream every day because as a kid his parents told him, โ€œU Canโ€™t Touch Thisโ€


On May 2nd a drunk driver almost ended my life.

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
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Roadside dadjoke

A while ago I was in the car with my family and we were stopped at a red light. On the corner was a person in a big crow mascot suit and he was waving a sign for the payday loan place behind him. Just as we look over at the crow again, a cop car pulls into the parking lot and two cops get out and walk over to him.

Dad: "Huh, I wonder what that's about." Me: "I heard it was an attempted murder."

Everyone else in the car groaned but my dad and I had a hearty chuckle.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Iaminfactafemale
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
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Losing shoes at the pool

My youngest daughter hates wearing shoes to the point where I hardly ever see them on her. As a result she often loses them. A few weekends ago my girlfriend dropped me and the kids off at the local outdoor pool so we could get some energy out before a long drive to see family. As expected my youngest barely made it out of the parking lot with her shoes on, and as soon as we hit the grass by the pool she kicked them off and we all ran into the water to play and stuff.

I looked up at that big incomprehensible clock they have at swimming pools and saw that we were running late for that long drive, so we fled the pool rushed around getting dressed, only to discover one ... one of her shoes was missing. I was like ... how the hell do you lose one shoe? So we looked all around, then we went to the lost and found. Strangely there were several other single shoes in the lost and found but not hers. We went back and I called her mom to see if we could swing by and grab a spare pair of shoes.

Some kid next to us overheard me on the phone and said, "Hey did you lose a shoe?" I said, " ... yeah ...?" He said, "Yeah I found it over here -- " pointing like 10 feet away -- " so I took it to the cashier's office." (not the lost and found). My oldest daughter, always helpful, ran to the cashier's office and got the shoe, and all was well! We were only about 20 minutes late. Afterwards I was pondering what I could have done to avoid all that and then it hit me. I just needed to make sure that after my kids take off their shoes they are all in one place.

In other words I had just failed to put shoe and shoe together.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/troyvit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 30 2017
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Got dadjoked by a kindergartner I tutor. They start so young.

I'm a private French tutor for a family in my area, and one of the kids is a little girl in kindergarten. Their family is big on tea so she was trying to pour her tea herself before the lesson started. But kindergartners spill everything, so I helped her pour it.

"Good teamwork!" - me

"More like tea-work." -her

I've never been more proud.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 37
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DatAperture
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2016
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So my dad uses this drug called Allosig...

Every time he pulls it out of the medicine cabinet, the family hears a great big 'ALLO SIG' from Dad, as if he were a cockney brit saying hi to someone named Sig.

Every bloody time. Same thing happens if any of us need aloe vera.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/coz707
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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My Grandfather

When my mom and aunt were in high school my aunt brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. She gave him a big list of things he couldn't ask him, "don't ask him about his family, his grades, his hobbies, his job..." So it was a pretty big list. Her boyfriend shows up and my grandpa looks at him and goes "So, have you ever been in prison?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 34
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sons_of_mothers
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Never thought my dad would do it

My parents are both immigrants from Taiwan and came in the mid 80's. We've always owned restaurants (currently have a Japanese steak house this is important for later) so their English isn't all that bad and has improved over time. I've never gotten a single dad joke from him. Ever.

Que yesterday we are driving home from a family dinner to celebrate his birthday. We all get into the vehicle and my mom says in Chinese "You've got something hanging onto your shirt, it looks stringy. Is that a spider web?"

I respond, "What? That's his pet, he can't raise a pet spider?"

Dad says, "Yeah I raise them really big and fat so we can make spider rolls at the restaurant." (Spider roll is typically softshell crab in a roll with other stuffs for the non-sushi fans out there)

I groaned, chuckled, then reveled in all that was my first dad joke. It was awesome. Thanks for reading guys! Sorry it's so long.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DROpher
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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Thought I was immune to dad jokes for a while there, until my dad dropped this one this Easter.

Each member in our family split up the amount of eggs so that we'd get 6 to dye each, two dozen. At the end of the dying session, my sister looks over at my dad's 6 eggs and we see he's got one white egg left. My sister wants an extra egg if he's not going to use it and asks if she can dye the egg. He looks at her like she's lost her mind and said he dyed all of his eggs, there isn't one left. This banter goes on for about 5 or 6 minutes with all of us insisting he has a leftover egg to dye. Finally, he looks down and says "oh do you mean this one?" Pointing to the white egg. We all let out an exasperated "YES!" He turns to is all, with the big old dad smirk on his face and says, oh no that one's done, I put that one in the white dye. groans all around.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ujelly_fish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
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Dad joked on family movie night

this was years ago, I had forgotten until it came up in conversation today. when Finding Nemo came out on DVD most of us hadn't seen it, and my oldest sister was home from her first year in college. my mom gets all excited to have a Disney movie night for old time's sake and makes a big deal about it.

so we all get settled with popcorn and all, and the movie begins. if you haven't seen it, the first scene is a bit tragic... to refresh people's memory, a barracuda attacks the soon-to-be parents and eats the mom and unhatched eggs. this is probably less than 5 minutes into the movie.

it's dead quiet in the house as Marlin swims around yelling for his mate and looking in the now empty spot where their eggs were hidden. He sees the lone surviving egg on the ocean floor and swims to it. honoring his deceased mate's wishes, he names his only child "Nemo"

instantly my dad stands up, turns off the TV and says "Ha! I found him! that was fun." and walks away.

tl;dr: my dad beat the whole family in a game of "Finding Nemo"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cjswitz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
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Couldn't pass up the opportunity after showing off my Christmas gifts

Needed information: My family and I are pretty big Chicago Blackhawks fans. There is a player on the Blackhawks with the name Patrick Sharp.

Story:

For Christmas I got a bunch of Blackhawk themed shirts ranging from t-shirts to long sleeved t-shirts that look like actual jerseys themselves. I got a decent amount of them from my girlfriend's family, so my family didn't see them right away as I opened them at their house. When I got home, I was very excited show them to my family.

So when I grab the long sleeved t-shirt jersey to show to my mom and she says, "Wow that is Sharp!".

I respond back with a grin on my face with a quick "No, there isn't a name on the back of it at all."

It clicked after a few seconds, but I got a groan and a "You knew what I meant..."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yab21
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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Why did the Honeydew and the Watermelon decide to have a big family church wedding?

Becuase they cantaloupe...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Meatman2013
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
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Proud Dad Joke day today

Slightly long story. Tl:dr had to blurt out a couple of quick Dad Jokes today and nailed it.

Longer version I was wearing my favorite shirt today, in big letters it says: โ€œDAD JOKES: thatโ€™s how EYE ROLLโ€โ€ฆ we were ate a state park with a lake, nice family spot. Near the parking lot at a busy trail crossing on our way in some random guy says โ€œI used to work at the Pepsi factory but I got canned.โ€ It took me a beat or two to realize he was talking to me, our groups had passed each other so I turned back and said โ€œI got fired from the orange juice factory. I couldnโ€™t concentrate!โ€ Everyone laughed and off we went.

Hours later on our way back to the parking lot, same trail crossing. Random (different) guy turns to me and says โ€œWhy did Norway put barcodes on the side of their ships?โ€ Ready for that one (thanks r/dadjokes) I respond with โ€œSo they can Scandinavian!โ€ The pressure is on, so I turned back and said โ€œWhatโ€™s a pirates favorite letter?โ€ He says โ€œArrrโ€ of course. I said โ€œWhatโ€™s his second favorite letter?โ€ No answer so I give them โ€œP - because itโ€™s like R but is missing a leg!โ€

Everyone laughs, as we go our separate ways I heard someone in their group say โ€œOh, he was good!โ€ Perfect day!

Thanks for listening, I just had to share. Always be ready with a couple quick ones!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/deekster_caddy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2022
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I literally need a dad joke.

My dad has type 2 diabetes, and has already had his big toe amputated. He learned today that they're going to amputate the rest of his toes. I need jokes about this to make him laugh. What I've got so far is:

  • Trimming your toenails will take half the time now.

  • You're closer to being a pirate than anyone in our family has ever been.

Any other ones you guys can conjure up?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 249
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MistakesTasteGreat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 11 2021
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

โ€œOf course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

โ€œNow I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

โ€œDad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

โ€œHi Honoured, I'm Dad."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OwenJthomas89
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2021
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At only 9, my son showed heโ€™s a dad joke Jedi already.

Took the family to the Grand Canyon today, on the drive out we passed a wind farm, and I said to the boy to check it out. He casually looks up from his iPad, looks out the window, then back to me, and straight faced says, โ€œIโ€™m a big fanโ€.

So proud.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/-mattybones-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 03 2022
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/m_bowker-brown
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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My kids got me good this morning and all day.

I'm a big guy in the southern US and my big black winter jacket makes me look HUGE. I normally only wear it when I visit family up north. It got cold enough today to wear it and I thought I'd be funny. On our way out the door I belt out "SO LONG AS I WEAR THIS JACKET, YOU WILL REFER TO ME AS KINGPIN AND NOTHING ELSE"

Immediately: "OK nothing else! Nice to meet you nothing else!" [5 hours later] I'm done with my chores nothing else!".

They're so proud of themselves. Har har.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/YOLO4JESUS420SWAG
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2022
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I finally got to cash in on a joke today that Iโ€™ve been looking for a reason to use for years

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. Thereโ€™s a big crack in it still.

He didnโ€™t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I donโ€™t care.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LostPin
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2020
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A dadjoke that made my whole family go "ungghh"

About two weeks ago, my family was heading home from dinner and we came to a train track. We crossed it and my dad goes "That was close, a train just passed through here." None of us could see one so I asked how he knew. He got a big grin on his face and said "It left its tracks!"

I actually enjoyed it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 72
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pajamajones
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 20 2014
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My son was hit by a car today!

Relax, it was only a hot wheels!

Back story: So my one son threw a hot wheels car at my other son and left a pretty good gash on his face. This wouldn't have been a big issue except we had a family gathering to go to. People were a little surprised about how calm I was when they asked what happened and all I said was "he got hit by a car" like it has happened a bunch of times.

Not sure if it really belongs here but it was pretty funny to see people's reactions.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Chillfactor343
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
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Dad just laid this bombshell on me at the park

So me and my dad were outside the local park's eating area, which had a big sign reading "No dogs allowed" on the wall next to it. A family walks straight in with their dog. My dad, expressionless, looks at the sign, then the dog, then looks back at me and simply says: "Uhh... I guess the dog can't read"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 45
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Heffo1996
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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