Putting a dad joke in my vows

I am marrying the most incredible woman on October 2nd, She is my dream woman in some ways, and re-wrote what my dream woman is in others - some were ways that I did not know were options, so I didn't dream of a woman having it!

So I am writing my vows and I am writing a bit about how I love her and end it with:

"Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you."

Wedding is on October 2nd and I cannot wait to drop this beauty on everyone!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GamerExecChef
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2021
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As promised, I put dad jokes in my vows today

I posted maybe a month ago and wanted to give you all an update on how the wedding went!

My absolutely stunning bride walked down the isle to "The Throne Room" song from A New Hope where Princess Leia gives the medals to Han and Luke.

My vows were:

"You are the love of my life. Ever since you walked into my life about 2.5 years ago, you have made literally every part of my life better and more beautiful, you have filled my life with a lot of laughter and love. You have this amazing indefinable quality to you that makes you so amazing and the perfect woman for me. I love you with all of my heart.

Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you.

I vow that I will always be there for you, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, but letโ€™s make it richer, we are the Richardsons

I vow that I will do my best to keep you laughing, smiling and happy for the rest of our lives.

I vow that I will never give you up, I will never let you down, I will never run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

I vow I will love you with all of the love, for all of my days."

It was a beautiful evening, with lots of laughs, plenty of serious heartfelt moments and lots of happiness! My wife and I could not be happier and it was perfect! I hope you all had a good day, I sure did!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GamerExecChef
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2021
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Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

(suggested to post here by the good people at r/jokes)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RU_FKM
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2021
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How long does it take to reel in a big fish?

Tuna half hours

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dubaidadjokes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 09 2021
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What do you call a loud elephant?

A yell-ephant.

My wife didn't talk to me for an hour after that one.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zeushaulrod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 22 2021
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Proud dad moment.

Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.

I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.

When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."

From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"

Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.

Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LaBarbaGuapa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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How many A.D.D.ers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one,ย but it took several light bulbs and several months to get it done because the ADDer.....

Paid for the lightbulb then left it in the shop on the counter.

Dropped another light bulb out of a hole in his/her shopping bag didn't notice and ran over it with a truck.

Bought the wrong sort of lightbulb because s/he couldn't be bothered checking which sort of light bulb was needed cause that's boring.

Left the light bulb under a pile of clothes for several weeks before s/he got around to trying to put it up.

Couldn't remember who s/he gave the ladder too so decided they had to go buy another.

Took the old light bulb down put it on the floor next to the new light bulb got distracted by an idea in his/her head.

Ran to get notebook to write idea down idea forgot about light bulb for an hour as other thoughts came to mind, remembered lightbulb couldn't figure out which was the old light bulb and which was the new light bulb

AARRRRRRRRRRRRRG Who invented such an inhuman thing as a light bulb

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sensitive-Tough2614
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2021
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Bike for sale?

So guy comes up to me and says How low will it go So i says About 5km per hour Anything under that and sheโ€™ll fall over

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Beautiful-Sky-5736
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 01 2021
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Join us for an open mic night this Tuesday (9/7) at 5PM PST!

/r/dadjokes will be hosting an open mic night using reddit's new feature Reddit Talk! Come, hang out, test the new feature, and tell us your best dad jokes!

The event will last one hour and begin at 5PM PST (8PM EST, midnight UTC). In order to access Reddit Talk you will need to be using the latest version of the official reddit app. Looking forward to talking to you all!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Blank-Cheque
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 06 2021
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Which place has navies that can easily detect enemies?

Scandinavia

Ha! I'm trying so hard. Sorry, I'm not a dad yet. My fiance might be 3 hours pregnant though.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/One_Laugh_Guy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2021
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"There's something we need to tell you, son. You were adopted."

"What???? When???"

"An hour ago. Your new parents will be here any minute. Go pack."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ExtraSure
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 01 2021
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I got lost in the woods while trying to use a compass.

It took me 2 hours to realise I was going round in circles.

It took me 3 hours to realise it was the wrong sort of compass.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ExtraSure
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2021
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Doctor: I have bad news and worse news:

Me: Whatโ€™s the bad news Doc?

Doctor: The test results show you only have 24 hours left to live.

Me: WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WORSE THAN THAT?!?!

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterdayโ€ฆ

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/That_Guy1776
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 22 2021
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OMG, the commute home was awful last night! Ya see, a tractor trailer carry laundry detergent crashed and spilled detergent all over all four lanes...

Traffic was Tide up for hours.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2021
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My grandma has a magic shoe holder

You put shoes in, and a few hours later they come out rubbery and full of holes. It's her Crocs pot!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sandman369
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2021
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Shoutout to all of my fingers!

I can count on all of you!

Waited 2 hours to say that during the live event and never got to so here it is.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/maxohwelly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 22 2021
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I have the attention of a goldfish

Seriously, itโ€™s been watching me for hours

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LazyCatlc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2021
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A teenager drives up to his crush's house the day before school prom and asks if she would like to dance with him.

She excitedly says yes, and the boy spends the entirety of the next day preparing for the big day.

The first thing he does to make it extra fancy is to rent a limousine for a day (yes, he is rich), but when he arrives at the rental center, he notices that many other people had the same idea. There was an enormous line that stretched out the building. Nevertheless, this boy was determined to make this night a special night, and waited for hours. Luckily, he succeeded in the end, and rented a shiny black limo. He was starting to get really excited.

After that, he goes to the tailor to pick up a brand new suit and tie to look as sharp as possible. But once again, the line for that wrapped around the block and forced the boy to wait another long hour. He sighed, but still waited in line, as he was quite persistent and knew it would be well worth it in the end. In the end, though, he got a perfect suit that fit him well. No wrinkles, no nothing; it was just pure handsomeness.

Then, the moment came. In his limousine, he once again drove up to his crush's house, well-dressed in the brand new suit he just bought. She came out looking stunning as well in an aqua dress that sparkled in the evening sunlight. Excited as ever, she leaped into the fancy limo and rode to prom with him, ready for the big night.

When they arrived, however, there was yet another long line into the ballroom, as many people needed to be accepted. It was quite a busy night. After half an hour of waiting, the couple finally made it through and began dancing. It was all going really well, and everyone was having quite a grand time.

A few hours later, they became thirsty and went to get a drink. Both him and his girlfriend were in the mood for fruit punch, but nobody else seemed to want it. When they entered the snack bar, they noticed more long lines of people wanting to get other snacks and drinks, but surprisingly... there was no punchline.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PiGuy88
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
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My daughter is becoming the dad

We went out to eat and this is what she said

[menu] "Try our 7 hour roasted roast beef!"

[Daughter] "We have to wait 7 hours for our food to be made??" /s

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ReasonableEar6764
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2021
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I think my daughter is expecting...

To set the scene: we were all in the car, a 3-row vehicle, on the way back from a 7-hour road trip. Occasionally my son would get bored and decide to harass his siblings in the middle row. Six hours in, I was done with telling everyone to behave.

My daughter: "Dad! <Son> is throwing things at me!"
Me, exasperated: "Tell your mother, I'm driving."
Daughter, without missing a beat: "Mom, Dad's driving."

I almost had to pull over from laughing.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ajacksified
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2021
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Writing is like pooping.

Sometimes it doesn't come out even if you sit for hours waiting

Other times, it gushes out in a literary dysentery, although dilute in substance

It stinks and you don't want anyone to see it .

And always remember, it's okay to wash your hands clean of it.

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2021
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Anti-Earth

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 light-years from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony on the way."

They had been driving for a couple of minutes when the recruit saw glowing buildings far away.

"Why are the buildings shining like that?", he asked.

"Didn't they brief you about the colony?", the driver asked "We don't call it Anti-Earth for no reason, it's literally the opposite of Earth. Any element rare on Earth is as common as carbon (C) here, and interestingly carbon (C) doesn't occur naturally here. So we had to make good of what we had, the buildings are made of rare metals like radium (Ra) which glow in the dark."

After half an hour they arrived at what seemed the main highway, the road had a faint bluish glow and the sides were lined with metallic posts shining faintly in the double moonlight. They stopped near a small dilapidated shack with the words "COMMUNICATION OFFICE" crudely etched on the walls.

"This is your office. You are supposed to handle communications for the colony," the driver said. "We can't use any wireless communication as the high amount of radioactive gases in the atmosphere interferes with the signal, so we have to use a type of telegraph instead. Come on, I'll show you our most important resource."

They walked a bit till they reached a plantation full of bizarre trees. Some were made of precious metals, some of common earth metals and some of them were glowing radioactively.

"This is the plantation for building the posts. We brought these seeds from Earth and planted them, apparently as they couldn't get the conventional elements they just used what the soil contained. We just sell the gold (Au), silver (Ag) and platinum (Pt) trees to Earth, the iron (Fe) and aluminium (Al) are used for constructing equipment and there are some pretty rare elements like uranium (U) and astatine (At) (which is the rarest element on Earth) which are used for scientific research. However, these aren't what we are here for."

The driver motioned him to follow him towards a small area of trees with a silvery sheen to them.

"These are made of rhenium (Re) one of the densest elements with one of the highest melting and boiling points. It is strong enough to withstand the toxic atmosphere and radioa

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/flwthewhiterabbit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2021
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I went to an underground party dressed as a bird.

I was raven for hours.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/incredibleinkpen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2021
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I was 4 hours late to work.

I apologized to my boss and explained "I got a puncture on the way to work."

He looked skeptical. "Are you telling me it takes 4 hours to take your bike to the mechanic?!"

"What bike?" i wheezed.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ExtraSure
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 14 2021
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Friday night, Patrick went to his friend Paddy and said โ€œPaddy, I need a favor

Iโ€™m sleeping with the bartenderโ€™s wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?โ€ Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Patrick was a lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed. After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, โ€œPaddy, what are you really up to with all this?โ€ Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, โ€œIโ€™m sorryโ€ฆ. my friend Patrick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied.โ€ The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy`s shoulder, said "Jerk", I think youโ€™d better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jag730
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2021
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Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AusSpyder
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

โ€œBut why?โ€ they asked, as they moved off.

โ€œBecause,โ€ he said, โ€œI canโ€™t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/robhaywood1080
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2021
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Would you like to read my book on time management?

Yes. These pages are blank.

I just saved you three hours.

All credit to Dilbert by Scott Adams.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bigolhawg
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2021
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What did the communist clock say about the land?

Hours.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DeadFrog-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 19 2021
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Dad Awards

Dad Awards

To truly capture the โ€œSpirit of the Dadโ€ what are some achievements you think make a True Dad?

  1. โ€œFixed it!โ€ - complete an entire home improvement project in a single trip to the hardware/lumber store.

  2. โ€œGotcha!โ€ - demonstrate the Dad Reflex by catching a toddler seconds before disaster.

  3. โ€œThatโ€™s my boy/girl!โ€ - get in trouble with the SO when your son/daughter picked up a bad habit of yours, or develops your bad sense of humor/pranks.

  4. โ€œHere boy!โ€ - develop a stronger bond with the new family pet than any of the kids who wanted it in the first place.

  5. โ€œOffice timeโ€ - spend at least 30 minutes in the bathroom hiding from the kids/spouse even though you donโ€™t actually have to go to the bathroom.

  6. โ€œBlame it on the dogโ€ - make at least one passenger choke on a fart in the car.

  7. โ€œReally?โ€ - have a kid/spouse completely buy in to one of your bad dad jokes. (I had my wife convinced for nearly an hour that the rumble strips on the side of the highway was called the โ€œBraillewayโ€ and it was for blind drivers)

  8. โ€œBut the kids will love it!โ€ - use the kids as justification to purchase something that youโ€™ve always wanted.

  9. โ€œTry it, youโ€™ll like it!โ€ - introduce a kid into your hobby as an excuse to go out more often than the spouse would usually tolerate.

  10. โ€œSaved the day!โ€ - prevent a meltdown by fixing the favorite toy that seemed completely destroyed.

  11. โ€œAnimal surgeonโ€ - conduct โ€˜surgeryโ€™ to patch up a favorite stuffed animal.

  12. โ€œHere, let me show youโ€ - take over a video game under the guise of showing the kid how to play.

What else can you add to this list?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yanric
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
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I thought the lecture about stingless male bees that have the role of mating with the queen and do not gather nectar or pollen would be exciting but it was not!

The professor droned on and on for 2 hours!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 15 2021
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Why did the surgeon's office turn away the patients on Saturday?

It wasn't his operating hours.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Salsal_Azar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2021
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Why do we need to share 60 minutes?

Because it's hours.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rnffdf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 06 2021
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Did you hear about the fire at the DuraFlame factory?

It was out in 3 hours.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ZotMatrix
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 18 2021
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My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.

I said, โ€œNo, only for the next couple of hours.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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My dad was so slowโ€ฆ

It took him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2021
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Why are communists always late?

They can only keep track of hours

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The-Memegeneer
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 02 2021
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Ugh that vegan class is so boring, i would rather meat my friends

I wasted my thyme entering that class, And im not gonna have raddish eyes staring at the computer for just 1 hour, and would rather meat my friends instead of shallot in front of my mic and be embarrased

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Do3jf_tiny_tower
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2021
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This one happened this morning and I am still grinning.

My daughter was doing a written assignment...

Daughter: Can someone tell me how to spell completely?

Me: You have to spend the time learning all the rules.

Daughter: loud groan follow by "Dad that is not what I meant. I want to know how to spell completely."

Me: Exactly you have to learn all the spelling rules.

Daughter: you're soooo annoying.

I am still grinning and it has been over an hour lol

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sheepery
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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Paying the last respects

So these two friends went hunting. After a few hours they satt down to rest by a field on the edge of a forest. There was a dusty gravel road just below where the guys satt. A burial procession came slowly down the road passing the two friends.

The one guy jumped to his feet, took his hatt off and held his hand over his heart. When it all was over the other guy said, Wow, you really impressed me, the way you paid your respect to the deceased. Well, said the other guy, we were married for twenty-five years, so it was the least I could do.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/splashjlr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 21 2021
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If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BusyPooping
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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Seven Year Old Hit Me With His Best So Far

Driving home after a long week and had been driving for five hours or so on two lane roads through NM and AZ. Hour south of Petrified Forest and see four sheep on the side of the road.

Me: Son see those sheep? There must be a break in the fence and they are wandering away from their ranch.

Son: Well, that sounds baaaad.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BrodyTuck
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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This is one my dad came up with.

My brother wanted to make the room artificially darker to watch a movie one evening, and my dad said โ€œgive me about half an hour and itโ€™ll be done.โ€ My brother says he doesnโ€™t want to wait for sunset. My dad says โ€œyou should be grateful, I practically have to move the earth to do it.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LazarYeetMeta
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 12 2021
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I have the attention of a goldfish

Seriously, itโ€™s been watching me for hours

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LazyCatlc
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 25 2021
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The commute home was awful last night! A tractor trailer that carried laundry detergent crashed and spilled detergent all over all four lanes...

Traffic was Tide up for hours.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/randomguy7464
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2021
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