What's the difference between vinyl, 8-track, cds, cassettes, and mp3s ?

With vinyl everyone can be a record holder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prendrefeu
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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Some Campy Humor

Three men go camping in the wilderness; a German, an Italian and a Czechoslovakian. While asleep, their campsite is attacked by a couple of bears and all 3 men are presumed killed. Forest Rangers get deployed to find the missing campers. After inspecting the campsite, the Rangers discover the bear tracks and follow them to the den. Inside are the 2 bears, a male and a female, which the Rangers quickly kill. First, they opened the stomach of the female and inside were the remains of the German and Italian men.

"Looks like our work here is done," the lead Ranger says to his partner.

"But we only found 2 bodies!" The partner cries back.

The Ranger removes his sunglasses and looks vacantly into the distance before finally telling his partner:

"Clearly the Czech is in the male."

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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USPS Questions

Should tortillas be sent flat rate? Is armor headgear sent over knight? Is an addicts mail tracked? Is mail to Gold's gym sent bulk rate? Should mail to a school's kindergarten be sent 1st class? Should the IRS send return receipts? just wondering...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bolt470
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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The pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/firestrike007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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How can you tell if the Christmas crab has been to your house?

By the sandy claws tracks..... my dad just told my brothers and I that one now. Not sure if it’s been posted already

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πŸ‘€︎ u/corn0nthe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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I built a spice rack that wasn't big enough to hold all my spices

I lost track of all of space and thyme

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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Why are trains the best form of transportation?

Because they have a proven track record

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IzzetAGoblin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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You know son, I've always loved tanks...

They are very a-track-tive

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_eat_crayon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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I've been listening to Pink Floyd for an hour.

I think I'll skip to track 2 now.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/westtxfun
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a tiny bell from a kitten’s collar, all the way up to the bell from the king’s royal bell tower.

When the king awoke one morning, the bell tower’s bell was missing. The king, being brave and noble, decided to follow the thief back to his lair. He chose four of his most loyal soldiers, mounted his horse, and rode off into the snowy woods, following the footprints left behind on the ground.

Soon, he and his soldiers arrived to a clearing in the woods. In front of them was a large, bell-shaped building. They found the thief’s lair!Pointing to the recent tracks left in the snow by the thief, the king announced to the soldiers,

β€œLook! The Fresh Prints to Bell Lair!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit_reddit03
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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How do you find a lost train?

You track it down.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lambo1722
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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I was drinking and dancing at this club for hours and hours when I dropped my watch

I lost track of time

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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My boss said to me, β€œYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”

I said, β€œI’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I've recorded an album called 'Obsessed With Sex'.

It's only got one track, mind.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Every time i drive over a railroad crossing I say there's been a train through here recently do you know how I can tell?

It left it's tracks!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Long story about a tragedy that once happened to me.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you tell a train conductor is a drug addict?

The track marks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baldeagle77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I can’t stop thinking about monorails

I must have a one track mind

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CYBERSson
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee.

*insert laugh track here*

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Froxaii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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My friend is obsessed with monorails.

He truly has a one track mind.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn't know the local railroad workers were good at singing

But I heard they were recently working on a new track

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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My boss yelled at me the other day, β€œYou’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I misplaced my watch the other day.

I guess you could say I lost track of time.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Like8catsbro
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
(UK) A B-road walks into a bar.

The B-road starts bragging extensively about his status as a B-road. The bar staff and patrons aren't impressed.

Then, an A-road struts in. The A-road immediately starts criticising the B-road, whilst also bragging about his own status. The two get into a big argument, and the patrons are starting to get riled up.

Then, a motorway barges his way into the bar, and starts boasting that he is better than the A-road and B-road combined. The argument escalates, and some customers grab their belongings, preparing to leave.

And then, a solid white line walks into the bar.

The whole bar falls silent. The argument stops dead in its tracks, and the three roads immediately disperse, avoiding eye contact with the new customer.

The solid white line goes up to the bar, orders a drink, and consumes it slowly. The bar is still silent. As soon as he is finished, the solid white line turns and leaves the bar without a word. The three roads breathe a sigh of relief.

The barman is astounded. "What the hell was that about?!" he exclaims.

"We don't mess with him" mutters the motorway.

"Why not?"

"He's a cycle path".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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Final fantasy dad jokes 101:

Gladio: dog sure can track a scent

Ignis: certainly nose how to find us

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_M_LUMBER
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
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What do you call a flat earth rap?

A disc track

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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What is the least sneaky vehicle?

The train. It leaves tracks everywhere it goes.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logoman4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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I'm exhausted. Just got back from the hospital

My girlfriend was really sick and the doctors said she urgently needed a blood transfusion. They asked me what her blood type was, but I had no idea. I frantically tracked my brain, trying to remember if she'd told me. She must have sensed my panic, because she looked up at me and with her final breath said, "Be positive. Be positive" She's right, though I will miss her.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
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What's it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?

You have a one-track mind.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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What did the woodpecker say to the metal clock

Your timeing is In-peck-able friends laugh track

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emeraldninja_yt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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Two men are hunting in the woods...

Suddenly one of them spots tracks.

"Deer tracks" says the first hunter.

"Moose tracks, I know moose tracks when I see them" says the other hunter.

They keep arguing over the type of tracks they're looking at, until they get run over by a train.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMayberry5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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I made dinner last night but it was late and lacked flavor.

I guess I lost track of the thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joey_the_Duck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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Shout out to trains,

For keeping me on track.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Techno_Viking_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time we go over a railroad crossing, I tell my kids...

β€œHey, a train just went by!"

β€œHow do you know daddy?”

β€œBecause its tracks are still here!”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
🚨︎ report
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

πŸ‘︎ 408
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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My boss said to me, β€œyou're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, β€œI'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Natty383
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
🚨︎ report
You're the worst conductor in the railroad business. How many trains did you derail last year?

I don't know boss, it's so hard to keep track.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacoenthusiast
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 114
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 270
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report

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