8 First Dates Puns

Because it's only the first date

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

It wasn't our first date but was the one that stuck in my head.

It's not proper to kiss on a first date

"The earliest example of a prosthesis ever discovered is not a leg, arm, or even a fake eye, it’s a toe. A big toe, belonging to a noblewoman, was found in Egypt and dated to between 950-710 B.C.E"

...the very, very first faux toe ;)

Non pun related, the egyptians were the first to grind lenses too, not used as glasses but instead inserted into statues for creepy eye effects

A man and a woman were on their first date.

“So, I hear you hunt deer,” the woman said.

The man looked away and turned red.

“What’s wrong?” asked the woman.

The man bashfully replied, “I’m not used to someone calling me ‘dear’ on the first date.”

Forked on the first date.

According to him, their first date was "A Casual tea"..

Of course, she has to date him first.

(courtesy of my daughter) #proudfathermomemt

A man getting ready for his first date felt a bit out of his element so he phoned his friend, a scientist. To console the guy, the scientist tells him, "Just bismuth. You just might have some chemistry."

It was our first date.

Whenever my dad got his beverage, he would put the straw in and blow bubbles followed by

"Put the damn thing in upside down..."

Then he flipped it over and proceeded to drink normally. I've adopted this one, but wouldn't recommend it on a first date. Maybe second...

My mom was talking about how my dad wouldn't stop talking about her when they were dating just as he got up from the table to go to the bathroom

They brought it up because I just got my license.

Mom: "When your dad first got a car he had a girl who liked him inside first and he kept on going on and on and on about me. She found that annoying. Ask him who was the first person in his car! See if he'll lie about it!"

Me: "Dad who was the first person in your car? Mom wants to know."

Dad: "Me. Its not gonna drive its self"

Me: "Well hes not wrong mom."

Mom: "Shut up"

I was given some paperwork to sign today. When I handed it back to my boss, she asked, "Can you date them?"

"That's a little forward. We just met, and they didn't really make a great first impression."

Pity laughter followed.

She asked how you can tell if a date has gone bad.

I said usually the first sign is a lack of conversation.

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!

Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.

The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!

What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.

A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What animals are on legal documents? Seals!

Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.

Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Dockyard: A physician’s garden.

What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!

The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!

When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.

I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”.

I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all £5 apart from one that was £10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said “that’s maderia cake”.

Bought some cream, it said “store in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.

Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.

A man says “I keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says “I’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.

I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.

How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden

What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.

Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.

The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.

Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.

Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!

When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.

What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!

A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.

Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.

You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.

Mexican candy makes my taste buds say “OLE!”

FORGET LOVE… I’

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!

How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.

What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.

Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too” — and he died.

A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.

Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!

What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.

I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.

What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your “style.”

I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.

Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: “Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.” “Are you sure?”

“Ye

Went on a date with a girl, and she was wearing a flannel shirt. She mentioned how her friends who are into fashion would kill her if they knew that she went on a first date in a flannel shirt.

I saw opportunity. I reached over, felt the arm and said, "this isn't flannel, is it felt?" She responds "No, I just said its Flannel" but I cut her off and said "IT IS NOW"

She didn't leave immediately, and we are going out again. Figured would let her know what she was getting into right away.

Adam and Eve were spending time together, and it started to get hot and heavy. When Eve tells Adam to stop, he asked what's wrong? She sits up and pulls a fig from behind her back and says I don't wanna have sex on the first date

It asked for a pick-up line using topics from our class (Programming Languages). Here's what I wrote:

>Smalltalk is nice, but how about a date over a nice cup of Java?

^My ^first ^dad ^joke! ^^I'm ^^so ^^proud ^^of ^^myself

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

She thought she was being clever and didn't see this coming

GF:You shouldn't kiss on January 1st because its only the first date. Hehehehe

Me: Remember our first date?

GF: Yeah we talked about high school track.

Me: I know I felt like I was talking in circles.

groans from her and her roommates

There was a boy in high school named Bonnie. As you can imagine, he was bullied and picked on because of his strange name. This lead to social anxiety and a few other issues, but there was one girl who helped him through all of his pain. He had a huge crush on this girl, and after weeks of psyching himself up, he asked her to the school dance coming up.

Much to his delight, he said yes, and off to the dance they went. They had a great time and shortly after, started dating. They spent a lot of time together, calling, texting and always hanging out. They were meant for each other. They continued dating after high school, into college. On their graduation day, he proposed to her on the stage. He was nervous about asking her in public like this, but as he got down on one knee, her face lit up, tears formed in her eyes. He asked her to marry him, she said yes and the crowd cheered.

Fast forward a few years, they've bought their own house, and she's now pregnant with their first child. In the delivery room, Bonnie is standing by her side, their newborn child in her arms.

"I love you so much, hon." Bonnie told his wife, holding one of her hands. "You can name our baby girl anything you wise." he told her.

"Love. I want to name her Love." she replied, looking into his eyes. Bonnie was surprised by the strange name, and at first hesitant to agree, but he told her she could name their daughter anything. He nods in agreement and they carry on with their lives.

Fourteen years later, as with what happened with Bonnie, Love was picked on in high school for her strange name. One day, Love came home crying.

"What's wrong, Love?" Bonnie asked her worriedly.

"I hate you! Why did you give me such a stupid name?!" she screamed at him. She was furious. She was tired of the teasing and the mockery in high school. In a fit of rage, she pulled out Bonnie's handgun she had found in his night stand. She pulled the trigger and a bullet passed into Bonnie's chest.

Love panicked and ran away, and Bonnie's wife came after hearing the gun shot. She ran to Bonnie's side, picking his head up in her hands. She asked him what had happened.

"Shot through the heart... And you're to blame..." He said, weakly. "You gave Love... A bad name."

My friend started dating a new girl. I said, "What's her name? He replied "Tali. Kind of different."

I asked him, "How's it going?" He said that they had fun at first but she was getting clingy and he might have to break up with her.

I said, "Well, if she gets too crazy, we'll have to impose a... Tali-ban."

Real story.

My parents were on one of their first dates back in the day driving down the highway. They passed a sign that said "Plant Entrance"

Dad - "But..where do the people go in?"

Mom still groans to this day when she tells it. She should've known she was doomed

This was my contribution to my daughter's prom tonight.

Posted it to FB and gave my daughter some advice:

[daughter],

Today I learned that ironing is good meditation. While getting your dress ready, I came up with some rules:

Rule 1: Do not sit down in this dress, even (especially!) in a car. Sitting down will cause wrinkles, especially in the buttocks area. Long, 3-mile hikes to the high school can be very romantic.

Rule 2: Do not eat or drink in this dress. For fluids, since your arms will be bare, might I suggest an IV. For solids, have your manservant (aka "date") feed you with a long spoon while you wear one of those full-body aprons like at the barbershop.

Rule 3: Do not dance in this dress. Dancing--especially "touching" dancing--can cause wrinkles. If you really must experience physical contact during the slow dances, your date may grasp non-dress parts of you, such as your forearms or head.

Have fun at your first prom!

Love, Dad

My dad was picking up my mom for their first date. While she was still getting ready, my dad and grandfather were sitting in the living room in awkward silence. My grandmother, cleaning out the refrigerator, said, "Oh! I forgot we had dates in here!" My mother went running to the kitchen exclaiming, "Ohh! Dates!!"

My grandfather looked at my dad and said (deadpan), "Hear that? She's hungry for dates."

It was winter and Dad was riding home with a girl right after their first date.

Girl: Man it's FREEZING! Here, feel the steering wheel. Dad (touches it): Your hands did that to the steering wheel?!

This happened when I first started dating my now-boyfriend. I was telling a him about a book I was reading that takes place in Sweden.

Him: I don't like it already. It's hard to trust the Swedes.

Me: What did they ever do to you?

Him: Let's just say I don't have much of a Swede-tooth.

I realized then I wanted him to be my boyfriend.

Today, I had my first official Dad Joke and my girlfriend was not amused.

Talking about seeing each other after a few days I was at the coast with some friends

Her: So when are you free?

Me: Well I'm always free since you dont actually pay me heh

Her: wow.. remind me why are we even dating?

I was pretty proud of myself and note this was all through the phone

This happened when my parents first started dating. My Dad went over to my mums with a bit of back pain. My mum was a nurse and apparently Rosemary is good for that kind of thing. Mum: "Would you like to take a bath with Rosemary?" Dad: "I guess she'll do"

Bonus Dad Joke: When my dad has back pain, I like set him up and say: "How long have you had a weak back?" to which he replies, "Oh since about a week back"

It's not proper to kiss on a first date!

It's not proper to kiss on a first date.

It's not proper to kiss on a first date

It’s only the first date

It's only the first date!

It's only the first date

I don't kiss on the first date.

Daughter: Why not?

Me: Because it’s the first date