I told my daughter I could draw a 5 sided triangle.

She didn't believe me.

https://imgur.com/a/BVLCm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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How do crabs get to school?

They use the side walk!

  • came up with this while walking to work today (I work in education)*
πŸ‘︎ 585
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HyruleTrigger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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I just realized that my calculator is missing the minus button.

But on the plus side, it still works.

πŸ‘︎ 686
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Yesterday I received my second round of the Russian covid-19 vaccine...

It appears completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveя, and I feelshΞΊΞΉ Ο‡oρoshό я Ρ‡ΡƒΠ²ΡΡ‚Π²ΡƒΡŽ сСбя Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ странно ΠΈ я Π΄ΡƒΠΌΠ°ΡŽ, Ρ‡Ρ‚ΠΎ Π²Ρ‹Ρ‚Π°Ρ‰ΠΈΠ» ослиныС ΡƒΡˆΠΈ.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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We grew up SO POOR I drank Nurse Pepper...

...she was an LPN.

We had a Don't Bother Checking account.

My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.

Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.

For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.

My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").

We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."

We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.

My pillow only had one side.

Repossession was 9/10 of the law.

Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.

Our scotch tape was scots-irish.

(I'm allowed)

My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.

One year Santa had to bring stockings.

The next year he filled them with nooses.

I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.

Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_YOUR_BLOOMERS
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Then I realised I was playing the bee side.

πŸ‘︎ 293
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheifsup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Ole and Lena were driving home from town when Ole hit a momma skunk and managed to miss her 3 babies.

Lena could not leave them on the side of the road so they scooped the babies up and put them in the car. As they drove the baby skunks managed to make their way from the floor up Lena's dress and settled on her lap. Lena looked at Ole and said "the skunks are under my dress". Ole said "Zat's OK dear zey are settled down". Lena said "Vhat about the smell?". Ole said, "Oh, don't worry dear they will get used to it!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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why did the chicken cross the road

to get to the other side γ‚·οΈŽ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdWide6476
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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What did one acrobat say to the other before their performance?

"Catch you on the flip side."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Petty_Dick
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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How does Darth Vader like his toast?

On the dark side.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nuxul006
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds.

I put it on, expecting relaxing ambient sounds like cicadas and such, but all I got was a droning buzz. That's when I realized that I was playing the bee side.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hover-lovecraft
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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I'm thinking about covering the outside of my house in unhatched chickens

My wife says it will look too boring, but I think it will be egg siding.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/degggendorf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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I just met a girl named Ally

Glad to know she was on my side.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyktic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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I made Himalayan rabbit stew for supper tonight for my family

I found Himalayan on the side of the road on my way home

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdolsa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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I discovered what's wrong with my brain.

I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain.
On the left side there's nothing right, and on the right side there's nothing left! 🀣

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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Studies show that the Moderna and Pfizer vaccines are causing people to cry

While this is minor, doctors haven't seen this side effect with the Johnson & Johnson vaccine.

This is thanks to their no tears formula.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/salawm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Ordering KFC, and I ask for a chicken wing. Cashier asks, β€œok sir, and which side?”

I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose I’ll take the right side.

Cashier: β€œsir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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I mean a deaf person with one arm the other day...

The conversation was pretty one-sided.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kurik-P-DuBs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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Why are dogs man's best friend?

They stay by your side when things get Ruff-Ruff.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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Why did the tree cross the street?

They were opening a new branch on the other side

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarcityflow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Why did Darth Vader cross the road?

To get to the dark side.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SASA_17
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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The Hero's Companion was called Roundhouse...

...because it's a Side Kick.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigMartin58
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry

Side note: I will be a first time father at the end of March. I am proud to join the dad joke ranks, my wife and son will learn to appreciate the content from this subreddit 😬

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Thong-Song
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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A man was poisoned after eating an appetizer at a local restaurant.

Police are investigating a possible hummus side.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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Why did the sweet potato cross the road?

So that it could be the other side. Courtesy of my 6 year old. I’m so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/watchtheedge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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When geese fly in a V, why is one side of th V always longer than the other side?

There's more geese on that side.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0cora86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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A mailman starts his first day on the job in Amsterdam.

He has to get to the other side of the canal but can't seem to find a bridge. On the other side he sees someone walking his dog. How do I get to the opposite side? He shouts. You already are the man responds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lorenboy2001
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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Sally The Sewer

why did the sewer go to the wrong side of the road?, >!because they were a sewer sider!!!!!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/What_THing69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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A child with a speech impediment is dressed as a pirate. A man asks what are you. He says he is a birate. You mean a pirate? Yes a birate. Oh well then where are your buccaneers?

On each side of my buckin head you buckin idiot!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/durangozac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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A women was getting petrol at a petrol station and spilt some on her arm.

She rubbed the petrol off and drove away. While on the road, she lit a cigarette and her arm caught on fire. Concerned, she started waving her arm out the side of the car.

Amongst all this, the police pulled her over. "What am I under arrest for?" The officer replied "for having a firearm"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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So the house cats went to the tigers engagement party.

The tigers were having a great time, roaring, baring teeth and in general having a great time. The cats were sitting quietly off to the side. The tigers asked the cats, β€œWhy so quiet ? Don’t you like to have some boisterous fun ?” The cats replied, β€œOh yes, we used to be tigers too. Until we got married.”

PS. (This sounded way better when my friend told me in the original Malayalam language slang poocha-pulee)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vinospam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Batteries have split personalities

On the one side, they are positive, while on the other, they are negative

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeaconOnAChairMC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Ok, this is a mom joke...

My stay-at-home wife came in earlier and asked what I wanted for dinner. "I don't know... You pick, you're cooking it after all."

A few minutes later she comes in with a frying pan. "Here ya go!"

It was a piece of paper. With the words "I don't know" written on both sides.

proof

... Smartass, lol.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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When flying in V formation one side's often longer than the other. Do you know why that is?

That side has more birds on it

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Why didn't the otter cross the road?

He chickened out.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the Otter side.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Then I realised I was playing the bee side.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClaraLaraMeadie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Got a vinyl album the other day on wasp sounds. Played it, didn't sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I was playing the bee side

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2canVANdam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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2 parts to a brain...The left side and a right side.

On the left side, there's nothing right.

On the right side, there's nothing left.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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You have 2 parts to a brain...Left and Right...

In the left side, there's nothing right and in the right side, there's nothing left.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chance_Piccolo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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When migrating birds fly in the shape of a V, do you know why one side is always longer than the other?

That side has more birds.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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My friend today is intentionally staring at the sun to cause eye damage.

Look on the bright side, today will be the last time he sees 2020....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RasberryOnline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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