I'm a 40 year old woman who delivers babies for a living and I just bought a brand new Corvette...

Everyone thinks I'm have a Midwife crisis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrippyGoods
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
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My mechanic is 87 years old and he still works 40 hours a week.

Whenever he says "I'm ready to retire," his boss puts him right back to work on another car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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I am a 40 years old with the body of a 20 years old.

Any idea on how to bury it?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0theoneandonly0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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My 40-year old pregnant wife was freaking out in deciding which woman she wanted to assist her with childbirth.

I said, "relax honey! You're just having a mid-wife crisis."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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Not all 40 year olds are creeps

Some are waffles

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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You're 40, she's 10

You’re 40, she’s 10 – A classic Β Abbott and CostelloΒ skit, where Β Bud AbbottΒ tries to play a prank on Β Lou Costello, only for Lou to use his clownish math skills.

Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): You’re 40 years old and you’re in love with this little girl that’s 10 years old. You’re four times as old as that girl and you couldn’t marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): All right- you’re 40 years-old, you’re four times as old as this girl, and you can’t marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girl’s 15 and you’re 45. You’re only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, you’re at 60. You’re only twice as old as that little girl.
πŸ“·****Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): She’s catching up.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Yes, yes. Now here’s the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Now what kinda question is that? That’s ridiculous!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): If I wait for that girl she’ll pass me up. She’ll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): She’ll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): …I was nice enough to wait for her!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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My dad had a job at Dollar General a few years ago.

Shortly after he was hired, regular customers started to take notice of him.

Someone asked him, "are you new?"

My dad answered, "no, I'm about 40 years old."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonehead65
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
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Proud of my baby girl

My 20 year old daughter works in a local small specialty bake shop (Gluten Free, Organic, Vegan). The owner gave her some cash and sent her to the local Sprouts for some salt. She was shoveling salt from the bin into a bag and had about 5 lbs already in the bag and was still shoveling. She noticed a mid 40's man looking at her in wonder. With out missing a beat, my baby girl says "We have one hell of a snail problem" and keeps shoveling.

I've never been more proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imdickie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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Other ice cream desserts are available.

Whenever there were ice cream sundaes dessert menu and it was a cute waitress, when asked to choose, Dad would say, "Show us your knickerbockers!"

I've tried this now I'm an old dad but I'm just 40 years too late.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dizzley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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My dad pulled this one on us at the table yesterday...

My aunt: [Going over the various desserts she made] And we also have Mammi's plum cake. Can you believe she's been gone almost 40 years?

My dad: Well, I don't want to have any if it's that old!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaFranz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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Daughter Gets Dad-Joked at Sam's Club

So I'm strolling through Sam's Club and there is a 40+ year old woman walking around saying "Dad?" (looking for her elderly Father). There's no response, so she's getting louder "DAD?!" Still no response and getting louder with more concern.

Finally, after she gets very loud and says "Dad!!!!"

"Dad" responds saying "What???" She then asks worriedly "Where are you?!?"

Dad says: "At Sam's Club...."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneMadChihuahua
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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Gave myself a birthday present

At my birthday lunch with my co-workers this week, my 61-year old boss (David) was telling us about his weekend and going to see Mumford and sons. We started giving him a hard time about being the only person over 40 at the show.

And so I said, "Well we can't make fun of him too much, David first started listening to them when they were Mumford and fathers."

So many groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconpig07
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2016
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