4 AM Puns

Me: It’s probably not a good idea to keep a baby up that late.

Me: I keep making mistakes at work, but that’s what I get for waking up before the asscrack of dawn.

Dad: I’m sure you’re going to be fine. Take it in stride and improve as you go. And stop talking about dawn’s asscrack. She may find that offensive.

Ugly.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

I am really dismayed

On the other hand i am ok

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

I am now the main stake holder.

>!Actually I am!<

Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?

(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)

Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.

He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.

After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.

A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.

After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"

The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...

They're complimentary."

He picked up the hammer and saw.

(my dad told this all the time. I am continuing on with the tradition...)

And I am going to keep telling it until you get it.

In a press conference he said “I am not 0K”

Will I Am

I said “you’re not Adam Ant!”, he said “yeah i am.” we argued all night, but he really was adamant.

But who am I to disagree?

I am having an eggsistential crisis, here.

Purée!!!

(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)

Wing ma'am

Isn't it windy.

No, it's Thursday.

So am I, let's get a cup of tea.

Am I right ?

Am Yisrael High

When I am gone, I will be mist!

I am thinking of establishing a holiday resort with gambling facilities.

It’ll be called Pair-A-Dice

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I don’t know if I am allowed to post this but I just made a dad joke generator. Hope you guys like it. If I am breaking the rule, please let me know I don’t mind withdrawing the post. Here’s the link:

https://kiranojhanp.github.io/random-joke-generator/

I can tare them with one finger. I am SO sorry everyone have a great day.

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

I told her am Ruthless

Even though I am one

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

You know where I am.

I personally am on the fence

“I live in Spain without the ‘s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the “Bah”.

1. I have a double China without the “a”.

2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the “an”.

3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the “J”.

5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the “Ku”.

6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the “Ne”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the “Den”, of course.

A heart shaped bread. (she pronounced it "hot" with a heavy British accent). This is her Valentine day joke. I am a proud dad.

but I am 2² to tell you

I tell them that I am short-sighted.

What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks!

I am so proud of her! Edit: wording.

I am now a doctorbater.

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”