What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of their times.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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I got arrested at NASA.

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!

Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."

πŸ‘︎ 331
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonnyabcde
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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Misunderstanding on purpose

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" πŸ™‚).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

  • thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 224
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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A jar?

My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boomer2160
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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I told my girlfriend I was making a car out of spaghetti.

She told me to grow up and stop being an idiot. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jamster_1988
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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The best Knock Knock joke

Me- "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Dad- "Why"

Me- "To get to the idiots house BAHAHA"

Dad- "That's stupid"

Me- "Fine this one is better, Knock Knock"

Dad- "Who's there"

Me- "The chicken :)"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cprenaveau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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A child with a speech impediment is dressed as a pirate. A man asks what are you. He says he is a birate. You mean a pirate? Yes a birate. Oh well then where are your buccaneers?

On each side of my buckin head you buckin idiot!!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/durangozac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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The pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/firestrike007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest 50$ just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilessthanthreenyc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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"Dad! I'm so chuffed, I got a B in reading."

"Thats a D, idiot."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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Pub is a magical place

In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother" Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother" The other man is still in silent... The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother" The second man finally answer with calm voice "Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LightclawCZE
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATHE, YOU IDIOT!! BREATHE!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theroutesetters
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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When you're driving but can't see that well...

Pretty much the first dad joke I've ever seen that requires a video punchline.

https://i.imgur.com/pfZya7P.gifv

Originally posted to /r/IdiotsInCars/ by /u/My_Memes_Will_Cure_U

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guriboysf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I just had a text conversation with my daughter...

She was sitting in the car at the mall while her mother shopped. I was sitting inside the mall but outside the shop waiting and wishing I was dead.

Daughter: How much longer, I have to pee.

Me: I have no idea. You'd better come inside, if you don't, urine trouble.

Daughter: You're an idiot.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? ...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HanzoHasSushi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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The Indianapolis Colts lost again today, and now everyone is mad at Google Maps...

...because any idiot could have told them to take Teddy Bridgewater over Philip Rivers.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PolytroposJ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.

And suddenly I’m the idiot....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, β€œIt’s psychic, idiot.”

πŸ‘︎ 380
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. "What did the green grape say to the purple grape?"

"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!"

I've never been so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iwuzwhatiwuz
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ..

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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My daughter really wanted to tell a dad joke.

She's 7, here's her attempt:

I saw someone on the couch, with no beard and my husband has a beard and my real husband started screaming "he's trying to steal all your money." That's the joke. Well, it might not be a joke, but it's funny. And then I said "it's you, you idiot, you shaved your beard off." It's a dad joke because it has a dad in it.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CBRN_IS_FUN
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.

The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.

When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said β€œOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?” The doctors replied β€œWell, the girl’s name is Denise!” β€œOh, that’s not so bad! And the boy?” β€œDenephew”

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikthise042
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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Another why the chicken crossed the road

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Friend: Why?

Me: To visit the town idiot.

A few minutes later...

Me: Knock, Knock.

Friend: Who’s there?

Me: The Chicken

You moan now but I suspect you are already planning to use this one.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mgmcotton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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My stupid cousin thinks he's collected one of every board game ever made.

That idiot doesn't have a Clue.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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In the old Wild West there was a notorious gang of dangerous outlaws, they’d just attacked a town.

The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.

After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said β€œLook sheriff we are all too tired, why don’t you guys rest up here and I’ll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I can’t find us some grub?, I’ll be back by morning”

The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.

The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says β€œwhere the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!”

Deputy says β€œwell you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god there’s this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!”

β€œBullshit!” Says the sheriff β€œyou stay here I’m going to check this out!”

So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.

The next morning the deputy see’s the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.

Deputy says to the sheriff β€œ Boss what the hell happened!”

The sheriff looks up from the ground and says β€œBACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasn’t a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FleetChief
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Dad, did you get a new haircut?

No, son, I got all the old ones f-king cut too. Idiot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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My house was broken into last night!

The Idiots took my dictionary and my scrabble board. I tell you friends.... I'm lost for words!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicGuy66
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

πŸ‘︎ 231
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot ?

"Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'

πŸ‘︎ 224
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
🚨︎ report
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about the baby.

The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.

Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?

Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.

Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the green grape say to the purple grape

Breathe idiot, breathe!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/6Bazrael66
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A 3 months pregnant woman fell in a coma

After 6 months, she woke up and asked the doctor about her kids, the doctor said "you had twins and they're both fine". She then asked who names them. The doctor said her brother then the woman started going "No, no, no, no, no, no." The doctor asked what's wrong. The woman said "my brother's an idiot! What'd he name them?" The doctor said "he named the girl Denise. The woman said "oh, that's not bad, what'd he name the boy?" The doctor said "Denephew."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahmadh26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.

And suddenly I’m the idiot.....

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To talk to the idiot.

knock knock

Who’s there?

The chicken.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fightthemonster1
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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A woman pregnant with twins was in the hospital with her brother as she went into labour.

She gave birth to a boy and a girl but the delivery was very intense and she went into coma for a few days. When she woke up the doctor told her about the twins and that as she was in coma for long, her brother named the kids. She said,"Oh God! Not my brother, he is a stupid idiot."

The doctor told her that he named the girl Denise and her mother said,"well that's not too bad, what about my son?"

The doctor replied the boy is named DeNephew.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/man_nowhere
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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I've got a double joke for you

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why?

To see the idiot.

...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The chicken.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LikeThosePenguins
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiots house.

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Bawk Bawk Bawkaw

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hvr1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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