3 Friends Puns

A: if u wanna wash away your sin you can always add a cosine at the bottom

B: but wouldn't that make things go off on a tangent

A: the problem would probably shoot off the graph

C: I guess there isnt a real solution then even if you think from the right angle

A: well i guess you can always find a new solution if you rotate the angle into another plane

D: but the only closure you will get is when you come full circle

A: well, that makes the matter very polarised

D: but radii-calism merely leads to everyone trying to get the biggest slice of π

A: but no matter many how many fraction you're trying to put the π into the action is irrational

She's a teacher

The odds were against me.

Who put this whiskey here?! This is a rye!

They stumble across a genie Genie: I will grant each of you 1 wish Guy 1: I wish to go home Guy 2: I wish to go back home Guy 3: now im lonely, I wish my friends were here

His son was eating animal cookies, and pulls out a cookie shaped like a whale, and says:

whale whale whale... what do we have here.

"How many is a Brazilian, and how did they all fit on the bus?!"

I immediately saw the opportunity and replied to him "chernoballs" .......he hates me nowJason im sorry if u read this

I guess that makes me lactose intolerant.

So we threw the 3rd cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter

It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

13: my teen daughter. me: myself

the stage: this evening in the kitchen

13: (looking at her phone) awwww, both of my friends are sick

me: of course they are, they're your friends

13: grahhhhh!!!!! Don't even!!

me: ok, 1, 3, 5, 7

He’ll do anything for a buck.

It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.

So we all know that 7 ate 9 but do you know why?

>!Because they were supposed to eat 3 ² meals a day!!<

Of course 1 wanted revenge for their friends unjust demise and so ate 7.

>!He deamed himself Even after that!<

Four was trying to get in with these “cool kids”

>!But they were just 2²!<

0 really bought themself a new belt.

>!8 was really proud!!<

While the addition and multiplication signs always saw the glass as half full

>!The negative and division sign were always negative!!<

249 and 250 got into a fight…

>!251!!<

Two of them were still apprentices and learning the trade, but the third was a master at the craft and was also my friend. They were currently busy in the workshop working on a set of great wooden letters which spelled "BEAST". "Is your friend Paul the one working on the misshapen B?" Izzy asked. "Nope, that's not him.", I replied. "So is it the one working on the crooked E?"she responded. "Most certainly not!" I answered. I finally saw him and exclaimed, "On ST is the best Paul, Izzy!"

No the guy said..... The thief Spends less than my wife.

Another season, another bad crop.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

Pig plays the drums, Horse sings, and Cow plays the guitar. They’re all exceptionally talented, and form a band, supplementing other spots from around the city. They play local dives, some free shows in the park, and they begin to get some traction. Pig suggests they record an album, and they send demos all over. One label is willing to give them a shot, and they open for a B List name on their tour. During the tour, they amass millions of fans, and by the time they record their first major studio album, they have a following so big that 3 of their songs top the charts. They soon find themselves headlining their own tour, as well as every major music festival.

The three friends are over the moon with their success. Never in their wildest dreams did they believe they’d find themselves rubbing shoulders with music greats. It doesn’t come without its downsides, though. Pig has turned to coke and pills to help him get through the long nights. Horse loves the party side of his new life, and his band mates often hide bottles from him when they’re not dragging him, drunk, to his bed. Cow is sad. Watching his friends fall apart, he misses being home and when things were more simple. Keeping his friends in line and covering for them is taking a toll on his own health.

After a year and a half on the road, the band is in the studio attempting to record their second album. Horse is fast asleep, drooling on the mixing board, hungover from the night before. Pig hasn’t even shown up. Cow has a breakdown, and shakes Horse awake. “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” Horse waves him off, and falls back asleep. Cow packs up his guitar and buys a one-way ticket home.

A few days later, Pig is all over the news. He’s in jail for possession. Cow watches the news and shakes his head. He knew it was a sinking ship. Horse hears the news from their manager, who is also calling to tell him that he quit. He wakes up to the phone call, and texts Cow, pleading to have a conversation. Radio silence. Horse stumbles out of bed and heads for his favorite pub. He can’t believe that he’s down two friends, that the band has split up, and his life is in shambles. He sits at the bar. “I’ll have my usual,” he says. The bartender leans over to hand Horse a whiskey. “Hey buddy, why the long face?”

Him:"Do you know 300-sided die exists"
'...'
"They are called golf balls"

A man is trapped in a cylindrical room, 8 feet in diameter, 10 feet high and no ceiling. He's out in the middle of Arabian desert where no one can hear him...how does he escape?

I said "You shouldn't go out in public like that. You would look shady." No one responded. I apologized for the lame joke. I tell lame jokes like this all the time and that might have been the last straw. What do I do? Help.

1.) A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

2.) I use mucho with my Spanish friends.... it means a lot to them.

3.) Q. Why does Michael J Fox make the finest milkshakes? A. He uses the finest ingredients

4.) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

5.) People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

6.) Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

7.) I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

8.) Q. What’s brown and sticky? A. A stick

9.) Q. What’s slippery and a foot long A. A slipper

I’ve got more but I don’t want this post to be too long so I’ll leave it at that. If I get enough upvotes I’ll call up my stepdad for more. Let me know which are you’re favourites.

Hey guys, wanted to post some of my dad jokes from this week. If you guys like them I can post again periodically.

1. At a petting zoo, my 3-year old boy asks why the pony doesn't make noise. I tell him "because he's a little hoarse" (ok that might be an old one).

2. At the same petting zoo, my boy won't get off the display tractor when other kids want to use it. "Come on, don't be a de-tractor". Another kid is falling asleep on a different tractor. "That must be the dozer".

3. My infant son is about to flip over during tummy time but can't do it yet. When he missed his morning tummy time, my wife said he should make it up with extra time in the afternoon. I tell her "those are the roll-over minutes"

4. We are on a playdate at a friend's house, and his 3-year old spills open a teabag all over his bare feet. I say "guess he'll never have an alcohol problem". Friend asks "why not?". "Because he's a tea-toe-toller".

5. Buying vegetables at the grocery store, I tell my wife some of the lettuce varieties they're selling these days have been genetically edited. She asks "how do you know?" I tell her "they just taste CRISPR".

6. The rubber ducky in our bathtub has a stethoscope for some reason. My son asks if the stethoscope works. "No, that guy's a quack".

These are just the good ones, I probably told about 50 bad ones to get these. If you guys like them, happy to post more. Happy superb owl day!

Day 7 of posting soapy dad jokes for a week!

I was going to post just one joke today but due to the situation right now, I have decided to post 7 just to try to lighten the mood a bit.

Here we go...!

1. Why did the soap cross the road to the beach?

>!to get to the other tides!!<

2. My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...

>!But it was a pack of lyes!!<

3. I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.

>!then it dawned on me.!<

4. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.

>!then it's a soap opera.!<

5. Last night thieves broke into my house but all they stole was soap.

>!cops say they got away clean!!<

6. Which is better Shampoo or Conditioner?

>!is it the foamer or the lather?!<

And lastly...

7. I NEED MORE SOAP PUNS!!

>!All the good ones keep slipping through my fingers! :(!<

Hope you enjoyed that! Please have a nice day!

>!Stay strong, Ukraine!!<

Puns for Educated Minds ...

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18.. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23.. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

Dm: You walk into a room full of skeletons holding onto rusted weapons

Friend #1: Ok.... Uhhhh... Lets disarming the skeletons b4 they come alive.

Friend #2:Good idea, Ill grab the one with the spear.

Friend #3:Ill grab the one with the swords.

Me: and ill grab their arms :>

Friends and DM: -_-

Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)

-

Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,

Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.

Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.

So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.

Answer these 3 questions in your reply:

1. How would you describe a dad joke?
2. Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
3. You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?

Only apply if:

• You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
• You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
• You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
• You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
• You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)

We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:

• You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
• You've got some automod experience
• You've got some sub-customisation experience

Don't apply if:

• You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
• You're more concerned about Internet points than real people

We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.

The odds were against me

The odds were against me.

It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.

He asked “So how do you find clothes that fit?”.

It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.

And my wife of 15 years is still mad about it.

It might be stupid, but 5/7 wood post again.

I thought it was a bit harsh to hold a 6 year old back for 3 years.

He bought he friends 3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

1. My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

3. I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!

4. Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.

5. Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!

6. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"

7. Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!

8. I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!

9. Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

10. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/

but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.