How many seconds are there in a year.

12 second

Edit1: Since so many of you guys are confused, it's like January second, February second and so on.

Edit2: No 22nd doesn't count.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsanandhere
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Here's a step-by-step guide on how to fall down stairs!

Step 28

Step 27

Step 24

Step 21

Step 16

Step 12

Step 7

Step 3

Step 1

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Not cool Dad...not cool

So my dad's telling my relatives the story of how my mom was in labor for 12 hours so they named me 'Laura' which if you say it in Vietnamese accent it's 'Lau-ra' which means "Long time to come out"...

IMAGINE FINDING OUT AFTER 21 YEARS YOUR NAME IS A FUCKING PUN ..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stneutron
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I got arrested for stealing a calendar

I'm looking at 12 months

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who stole the calendar?

He got 12 months

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πŸ‘€︎ u/owarner40
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces.

"6 please. I could never eat 12."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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This sub's extremely inactive...

There hasn't been any posts this year!

(Reposted at 12:01 AM 1.1.21 after a duel with autocorrect)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VegetarianReaper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Why did the shark eat the ship?

...It wanted captain crunch for breakfast.

My 12 year old daughter hit me with this one this morning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrefrog25
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

πŸ‘︎ 40k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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I have started collecting old settees....

I've got 12 sofa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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"SUBWAY TAGLINE"

Our subs are 12 inches, even if it's cold outside.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Happy Sound Check Day!

12/12

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gasoline-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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2020 hasn't been all bad. I've been doing fine off my OCD meds now for about..

..6 months, 15 days, 9 hours, and coming up to 12 minutes..now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss??

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 12:22 pm on September 23rd of last year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaCrimsonChinn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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I overcame my addiction to eating Thanksgiving leftovers directly out of the fridge.

I didn't use the 12 steps, I quit cold turkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spitmonkeyx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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How do you plan a party in space?

You planet

Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter. So proud!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cantfindacoolnik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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My father and were in the car and drove passed a cemetery.

Dad: How many dead people are in there?

Me: I have no idea

Dad: Hopefully all of them are.

Lame, I know, but this actually happened to me when I was 12

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pork85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Have any of you been to Infront Veggie Apartment?

It’s the opposite of Outback Steak House.

My 12 year old daughter Ruby made it up so... not exactly a dad joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/watercolorfiddle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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"Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a kleptomaniac."

"Take these tablets twice a day and if it doesn't work, get me an iPhone 12.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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In the store I saw some brightly coloured greeting cards that said, "I will always love only you "

They sold them in packs of 12.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Why was this post removed?
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I just found out...

12” rulers won’t be made any longer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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What is a musician’s favorite part of the day?

12:34

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitchinatr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I'm a big fan of Eminem...

Especially his movie "12.9 Kilometer"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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For math lovers and others to
  1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.

  2. Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.

  3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!

  4. Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.

  5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.

  6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? HeΒ must be plotting something.

  7. Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

  8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple

  9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.

  10. Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.

  11. What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.

  12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!

  13. Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

  14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

  15. Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.

  16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.

  17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

  18. How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

  19. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!

  20. Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

  21. Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InvestWithArihant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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My son showed me a stamped envelope and asked, "Is this a postmark?"

I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Gary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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If you're not a father but tell a dad joke...

Are you a faux pas?

(My 12 year old daughter came up with that!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UrsulaSpelunking
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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(meta) <Me, reading r/dadjokes to myself and chuckling>

<my 12 y.o. daughter> "What? What?"

-- I tell the joke --

<my daughter> --eyeroll-- "You need to stop laughing at jokes that aren't funny!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sqjoatmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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December tenth is the best day of the year

I highly recommend 12/10

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freewave07
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?

Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Inoocent_Potato
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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Couldn’t figure out when sunrise was supposed to be this morning

Luckily it finally dawned on me.

πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Got a big 12 pound brisket on the grill today, and several more dad jokes in the chamber. Doin dad stuff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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The Cat is Innocent!

I got very annoyed when I found one of our cats, Steve, perched on a manyberry berry pie I had just baked. I was ready to yell at him when my son - 12 at the time - exclaimed "Stop Mom! Don't yell... he's just an innocent Pie Stander!"

Steve was not yelled at.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpasticArdvaark
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Today is the last time I am seeing my 11 year old brother!

Coz he's turning 12 tomorrow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/okmango69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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What happened to the shoplifter that stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SyncingShiip
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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I was convicted for stealing a calendar.

I was given 12 months.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrainSpy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Hear about the kid who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckinWimp87
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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I've just started collecting old settees....

I've got 12 sofa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samsomething216
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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A guide on how to fall down the stairs

Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs.

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 7:

Step 12:

Step 18:

Step 25:

Hospital

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Step by step guide on how to fall down the stairs.

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 7:

Step 12:

Step 18:

Step 25:

Hospital

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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How to fall down the stairs...

Step 1

Step 2

Step 5

Step 9

Step 12

Floor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SCP-2004
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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