Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders?
All the others are non-binary
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were not in my favor
1 1 was a racehorse
2 2 was 1 2, 1 1 1 1 race; and 2 2 1 1 2
What do you call a 1 legged Fox?
This occurred to me at 1 am and I’ve never been more proud
Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
I got gas for $1.19 today!
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
This is a one in a 1,000,000 joke
Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
A ate a burger from a 1-armed chef.
He said it was a handburger.
What happens when you listen to a Death song 1,000 times?
It becomes a Megadeth song
My day is full of conference calls, collaborations, and 1-on-1s. I wish they would all just go away...
...but then my life would be meetingless.
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
I Can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals
Why is the Supreme Leader of North Korea number 1.
Because he is Kim Jong-Un, not Kim Jong-Deux.
Plus his father passed away since he was Kim Jong-ill.
Remember when air was free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. You know why?
Just cost me a $1 to put air in my tyre, when before it used to be free.
I guess, that's inflation.
It's my 1-year Reddit anniversary
Getting karma should be easy as cake
Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!
The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...
... I love it when the clocks go forward!
There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information
An apple pie in Jamaica is £1.50, a cherry pie in Barbados is £1.60 and a mince pie in Trinidad is £1.80.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Ill see myself out
Person 1: “Will you follow me?”
Person 2: “No I’m gonna follow sleep.”
Astronaut 1: Isthereaplacewecanhangoutafterwork?
Astronaut 2: Yeah, there’s a space bar right over there.
Astronaut 1: Great, wanna go after work?
Astronaut 2: Nah, not really; the drinks are great but there’s no atmosphere...
Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife
$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio
My #1 Concern with my Bear Ranch is...
things could get grizzly.
A tree’s wood is 50% carbon, 42% oxygen, 6% hydrogen, 1% nitrogen
You can call it a chemis-tree
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
I walked into a supermarket and saw 1/2 watermelon.....
Why is it i shop at Wholefoods and see this?
Do you want to hear 2 short jokes and 1 long joke
Joke
Joke
Joooooooooooooooooooke
Book review: 1 star
I've just finished reading Great Expectations and I have to say I was a little disappointed.
They say 1 in 4 people are Dyslexic and there's 4 people in my office.
It's either Me or Darren or Kevin or Anal.
Its's Anal isnt it.
Today I will be talking about the Makita 18V Cordless 1/2-Inch Hammer Drive
Did you hear about the cow that could produce 1,000 gallons of milk every day?
My son was about to ask me 1 million questions about everything.
The guy with 1 hater then
Its 1:30 and im drunk, thought this was comical
What did the hispanic who took 2 too many drugs say? Help i think I over(dos)ed
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were not in my favor
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals
Do you know why air pumps at gas stations used to be free but are now $1.50?
Remember when they used to have air at the gas station for free? Now it’s $1.50
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