I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 19k
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︎ Dec 03 2020
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Donβt know how to properly share with this but I have included the name of the original, most people didnβt get it(third line)
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︎ Dec 18 2020
I got into trouble at the park today - people told me to stop arranging the squirrels in order of height
I guess they were critter-sizing me
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︎ Dec 22 2020
The only people to show up to my friendβs funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
π︎ 657
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Why do the people of Athens not wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
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︎ Nov 29 2020
Most people consider the Battle of Gettysburg the turning point of the American Civil War
For the Confederacy, it all went South from there
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︎ Dec 12 2020
What's the favorite movie of dead people?
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 20 2020
There are only two types of people in the world:
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
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︎ Dec 13 2020
I just received a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people around the world...
I told them, "Anyone who fits into my clothes, certainly isn't starving. "
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︎ Dec 17 2020
You know, people made fun of trump for the way he went down that ramp.
It was a little con descending in my opinion.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 16 2020
After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...
Long time fan, first time poster.
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︎ Nov 06 2020
The ancient Romans made a lot of deadly poisons. The fourth one they created, however, just made people itchy.
π︎ 14
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Here's a physics joke: Why don't people find the y component of vector A?
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 09 2020
What's the occupation that has the most likely hood of putting people in the hospital?
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Why do news pundits care so much about who the people of Poland think will win the election?
I came up with this one today but I'm sure it's been done before. My wife said it's lame. What do you say?
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︎ Oct 29 2020
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
π︎ 12k
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︎ Apr 23 2020
Everyone at my therapistβs office hates it when I stand on one corner of the room and blow air at people.
π︎ 287
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︎ Aug 06 2020
Swarms of flying insects are threatening people all over the city.
The police have deployed all SWAT teams.
π︎ 15
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Turns out thereβs a group of people who believe the earth is just a rented apartment from galactic British overlords
π︎ 11
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︎ Oct 21 2020
Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Mar 09 2020
My young son and I were having our first discussion about drugs. He was curious about why people would do drugs in the first place, and I told him that many people do it because it produces different feelings of euphoria. He asked, "what's euphoria?" I told him that it was hard to explain...
But it's a feeling somewhere between euthreeia and eufiveia.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
In the history of crime literature, which character has been the most effective at getting people out of prison?
The dot "."
It has ended more sentences than anything else.
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 28 2020
A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR
What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.
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︎ Jun 22 2020
Historians have proved that people from every zodiac sign survived the Sinking of the Titanic
π︎ 48
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︎ Aug 25 2020
People need to stop saying the Navy is part of the military.
π︎ 9
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︎ Sep 17 2020
Why were people afraid of the walking door?
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 11 2020
What kind of drugs do people in the desert do?
π︎ 11
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︎ Sep 08 2020
There are 3 types of people in the world:
Those that can count,
Those that canβt.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jul 23 2020
Some people are not a fan of the Black Eyed Peas
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 08 2020
How did the crazy people find their way out of the woods ?
They followed the psycho path
π︎ 26
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︎ Aug 12 2020
My friend the artist made sketches of people worshiping gods and idols...
He drew praise for his artwork.
π︎ 11
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︎ Sep 06 2020
Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Nov 06 2019
People might like the idea of driving a transparent car, but I donβt.
π︎ 20
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︎ Aug 01 2020
I canβt believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Oct 09 2019
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 14 2020
Who is the patron saint of copying people in emails?
π︎ 75
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︎ Jul 10 2020
As an archaeologist, I could instantly tell the people of the ancient world were into sweet things...
They used a mortar and PEZ-tle.
Yeah, it's dumb but it sure beats a repost!
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 03 2020
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didnβt realize it would Zoom..
π︎ 504
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︎ Apr 24 2020
What's the deal with those people who take care of chickens?
π︎ 8
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︎ Aug 29 2020
What flavor of cake do rich people enjoy the most?
π︎ 15
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︎ Jul 25 2020
TIL: 29% of people report having to use the bathroom right after drinking a cup of coffee
The other 71% that don't are full of it
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 02 2020
People have a lot of time to get creative in the quarantine
π︎ 30
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︎ Apr 15 2020
The quality of education is so poor today that some people don't even know the difference between a checklist and a ticklist!
Checklist: a tool for ensuring coverage of a subject can be completed with a check mark of some form, for instance, a cross, a tick, etc.
Ticklist: someone who is tickling you.
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︎ Jul 03 2020
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.
But not fire. . . . . Fire works on 4th of July.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jul 04 2020
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who canβt.
π︎ 22
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︎ Jul 16 2020
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
π︎ 17k
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︎ Sep 23 2019
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