A list of puns related to "You Get What You Give"
A cuckoo clock
The Simpsons
A calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon.
A speedboat
[Disclaimer]: I don’t encourage the use of drugs
An anti-hisstamine.
Me: "Seconds are going to cost extra."
A catestrophe
Creddit.
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
A frog goes into a bank to get a loan, he goes up to the teller, who's name was Patty and said,
"Hi, I'd like to get a loan out for a new lillypad.
Patty thought the situation was weird but complied with the frog's request anyway. She started off by asking the frog's name.
"What is your name?"
"My name is Kermit," the frog replied, "Kermit Jagger"
Patty was confused, "Why is your last name Jagger?"
"Well you see my father is Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones."
Patty, was still confused, "That's a weird last name for a frog."
Kermit, being somwhat offended, asked her in response,
"Well what is your last name if you don't mind me asking?"
"My last name is Whack." She responded
"Well that's a weird last name for a human." Kermit said.
So they move on and Patty gets more of Kermit's details and when she was finished, she asked him if he had any collateral.
Kermit pulled out a little porculan figurine of a pink elephant, Patty looks at the figurine and tells the frog she needs to show it to her supervisor. She goes to her supervisor and tells him, "Here's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to take out a loan for a lillypad, he's using this as collateral."
Her supervisor looks at the elephant figurine, and he tell her,
"That's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
What do you get when you cross a skunk with a chicken?
A fowl smell.
What do you get when you cross a skunk with a High Court Judge?
Law and odour.
What is the best way to stop a skunk smelling?
Put a peg on his nose.
How many skunks does it take to create an absolutely hideous smell?
A phew.
Why should you never ask a skunk for their opinion?
They are likely to give you their 2 cents.
Source: skunk jokes
Having a bit of a discipline issue with my daughter... she'll bring a pile of sand inside and make what she calls her "land". It's sand arranged in a flattish layer, with toy animals and her lego house (Friends^TM , why she no like diggers and helicopters and whatever, why she gotta be so girly??). She doesn't like getting her hand dirty while she's doing it, wears a glove to keep clean, so you'd think she could understand the concept that I don't like the floor getting dirty... but no, she doesn't give a shit.
Had her third birthday party recently, and gave her a Skye (Paw Patrol) plushy, she loves it. Because it's her newest and most favourite toy in the whole world, and because it was for her birthday, we can't confiscate it no matter what.
Very next day, she makes her land again, Skye's there at the side - she's too big to sit in the middle, it would dominate all the plastic dinosaurs and lego Friends people (not the usual mini-figs, they're a bit more anatomically correct, anyway that's not important right now). So I'm all angry and "why you keep doing this", take the glove off her and sweep up the sand. Put her in the time out cage for a bit. Well, we call it the cage, it's just a cupboard under the stairs which is a bit shorter than her so she has to sit there if she doesn't want to bump her head. Throw her in there for one minute per year of age, is the standard procedure.
Anyway, as we close the door she starts singing...
Take my glove
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still three
You can't take this Skye from me
When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.
When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.
I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!
Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!
Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!
That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. “This technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. “Can you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”
“Yeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,“but it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained “When these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” “Treating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.
Knock knock
“It’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.
“There are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” “That future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.
She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. “Don’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.
Knock knock
“Now let that sink in!”
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef!
What do you call a cow after it gives birth? De-calf-enated!
Did you hear about that cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.
(After they beg you to stop, hit them with: "Ok, it's time too mooooove on to some different jokes. These cow jokes are getting udderly ridiculous.")
I did some yardwork yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.
It goes up to the librarian and says "bok." The shocked librarian looks at the chicken and says, "Excuse me, what?" and the chicken repeats, "bok."
The librarian thinks a moment before asking, "You want a book?" The chicken nods and says, "bok," so the librarian goes and gives the chicken a book, and it walks out.
A few minutes later the chicken struts back in and says "bok bok." The librarian, still shocked, asks if it wants two books, to which the chicken replies, "bok bok." So the librarian gets two more books and gives them to the chicken.
A few more minutes pass and the chicken walks back up to the front desk, saying "bok bok bok." The librarian nods and fetches three more books, but this time decides to follow the chicken outside.
Tailing the chicken, she watches as it walks out to the parking lot, where a frog is sitting by a pile of books. When the chicken lays the new delivery before it, the frog takes one look and says, "reddit, reddit!"
I'm creating a drinking game where every important event equals to drinking, but I am nowhere close to NAMING my drinking game. A friend of mine recommended this subreddit, saying that people drop some really punny puns here. Give your ideas for a title, I think up to 6 words would be okay.
Let's see what you can do!
What you need to know about the game:
That's basically it.
This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.
A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.
"What would you like for your last meal?"
"I would like a banana please."
The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.
A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.
"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"
"Two bananas please."
The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.
Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.
"Let me guess. Three bananas?"
"Actually yes! How did you know?"
"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."
So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.
"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"
"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."
Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)
-
Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,
Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.
Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.
So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.
Answer these 3 questions in your reply:
Only apply if:
We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:
Don't apply if:
We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.
Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.
Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!
Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.
Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.
Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? He must be plotting something.
Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.
What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple
What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.
Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.
What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.
I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!
Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.
Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.
What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.
How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!
Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.
They climb up a couple of bar stools and have a seat. One of them says to the bartender, "Hey, give me and my partner here a beer would you?"
The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So they climb down off of the bar stools and slither across the floor and out of the bar.
One says to the other,"Lets go down the street. I know of a better bar than this one anyways."
"Now wait a minute, said the other string.This is clearly discrimination!"
"Well what do you intend to do about it?"said the other string?
"I'm going to go back in with a disguise and I'll get that damn beer." So he ties himself in a knot, frazzles up one end of himself,goes back into the bar,slithers across the floor and climbs up the bar stool. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer please."
The bartender says," Wait a minute . Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a while ago?"
So the string said, "No.I'm a frayed knot.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡Them: what’s a madder baby?
Me: Nothing sugar, what’s a matter with you? 😏
Sorry if this might be a repost, I didn’t make it up but it’s one of my favorite dad jokes of all time. It’s really funny when you get someone aggressive whose like “what the fucks a madder baby?”
E: added the emoji cuz it’s good to give a sly smirk to finish it off. Also this works MUCH better in person
He ask the barman: "What is this?"
The barman answer: "Oh this, place a dollar and if you make my horse laugh you can keep the pot."
"Fair enough" says the man "I'll give it a try" and then places a dollar in the pot
He walks in the stable and after a minute, the horse starts laughing and just can't seem to stop.
The man grabs the pot of change and leaves.
One week later, the man comes back to the bar and can still hear the horse laughing.
A new pot of change has been placed on the counter labeled: "Make my horse cry"
Man says: "Fair enough", place a dollar in the pot and walks again in the stable.
The horse stops laughing and starts crying
The man comes back in the bar and takes the pot of change.
Before he gets a chance to leave, the barman ask him: "How did you make him laugh so much?"
"Oh, very simple" says the man "I told him: My dick is bigger than yours"
"And how did you make him cry?" Ask the barman
"Even more simple, I showed him"
Whilst gathering food, they find a magical golden lamp. The Englishman says “rub the lamp!” They do, and a genie appears. “I only have three wishes to offer,” he says, “so I’ll give you one wish each.
The Englishman says, “I’d like to be living in a penthouse in London with £1,000,000 in my bank account.” His wish is granted.
The Scotsman says “I’d love to live in a renovated Scottish castle with £2,000,000 in my bank account.” His wish is granted.
The genie then turns to the Irishman: “And what do you wish for?” The Irishman says to the genie, “It’s getting a bit lonely here, can I have the other two back?”
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
So a guy decides he wants to buy the world's most unique pet. He goes to the pet store.
He looks at a cat and a dog. Not unique enough.
He looks at a hamster and a guinea pig. Please.
The pet store guy shows him a porpoise in a tank. He says "what's unique about that" and the pet store guy says "this one will live forever".
So he buys two.
He takes them home and puts them in his bathtub.
He feeds them. He tries feeding them fish, shrimp, waffles, everything. They won't eat anything.
So he goes back to the pet store, and says "they won't eat anything I give them" and the pet store guy says "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, the only thing they will eat is mynah birds."
He says "mynah birds. Really?" and the pet store guy says "yep".
So he buys a couple mynah birds and takes them home.
When he gets home, there's a lion sleeping on his front step. Yes, a lion.
He thinks, that's a little strange, but I've got these mynahs and I've got to feed my pets. So he steps over the sleeping lion and takes the mynahs inside.
Just then, a cop jumps out of the bushes and arrests him.
He says "come on! What's the charge"
And the cop says
"transporting mynahs across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises"
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and even the gravy line.
He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. “What would you like to drink?” he asks.
“A glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed.
Sometimes there is no punch line.
My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.
He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.
The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.
I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:
“I’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”
“Honey,” I said, “it’ll never work.”
“Why not?!”
“Because you can’t rush Art.”
A man with a sack walks into a bar. He orders his first drink. The bartender asks, “What’s in that sack?” The man replies. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Later in the night, the man orders another drink. The bartender asks again, “What’s in the sack?” The man again replies, “It’s nothing worth seeing, don’t worry.” Later, the man comes up for his third drink. The bartender says, “Look, if you show me whats in that sack, I’ll give you a free drink. Whatever you want.” The man thinks for a moment, and opens the sack. He pulls out a tiny man, and a tiny piano. The tiny man starts playing the tiny piano. The bartender, surprised, asks, “Wow! Where’d you get this guy?” The man pulls out a magic lamp from the sack. “This thing. It can grant any wish. But the wish won’t be 100% accurate.” The bartender asks, “Can I try it out?” The man gives the magic lamp to the bartender. “I wish I had 100 bucks.” A few seconds later, 100 ducks waddle into the bar. The bartender says, “You’re right. This thing isnt very accurate” The man says, “I know. did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.
My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:
Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.
LN: What happened?
Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.
LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?
Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.
LN: What was in it?
Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...
LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!
Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.
LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..
LN: mmhmm
Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.
LN: What did he tell you to do?!
Dad: Call a tow truck.
LN: ....what?
Dad: Get it, toe truck?!
LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.
DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.
Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!
Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"
Man doesn't laugh
Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."
No response
Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"
Nothing
Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"
Doesn't crack a smile
Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"
Clown starts to get nervous
Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"
Blank look
Clown asks: "What is a nun's favorite card game? Old Maid"
Yawn
Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"
Annoyed
Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"
grasping at straws
Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"
He never laughs. Clown gives him his $100 and asks "Did any of my jokes make you laugh?"
Man says "No pun-in-ten-did"
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
The lamp is then fastened by the sea, just so none of the townsfolk get into trouble. One day, an inquisitive young chap opens the lamp and the wizard starts wreaking havoc upon the town. All the scientists gather and decide to chemically dissolve the lamp. But all the chemicals they have fail to work. They try to burn it, melt it and what not but nothing works. Finally one scientist says “I know exactly what we should do. Pour excessive chemicals and try to dissolve it. I know we’ve tried it before but let’s give it another shot.” They bring in acids and other corrosives from the neighbouring cities and pour it on the lamp and it successfully dissolves and the wizard disappears. Everyone is amazed and asks the scientist “How did you know about the extra chemicals?” The bald, black scientist looks at them and says “Oh that’s easy. Moored urn problems require more darn solutions.”
My Little Sister: No! What happened?!
Dad: Dont worry, he woke up.
My Little Sister: ROLLS EYES
Me: Hahahahahaha! Nice.
My Little Sister: Omg! Is this funny?
Dad: No, THIS IS PATRICK! (We all really love SpongeBob SquarePants)
I GET UP TO GIVE MY DAD A HIGH FIVE AND HIS PHONE RINGS AS SOON AS I GET UP. IT'S MY MOM CALLING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN
Mom: Hi, I was wondering if I had the right number. Is this funny?
Dad: No! THIS IS PATRICK!
My Little Sister: Really?! You too Mom?!
Mom: No, I'm 49 sweetie.
My Little Sister: Nevermind! I'm watching, "Black Mirror," in my room by myself.
Dad: Sweetie, African American, don't just call them Black. That's not nice.
My Little Sister: ............. I hate you all.
I know this isn't necessarily a,"Dad Joke." It's more of a conversation my Dad and Little Sister had. But it was seriously one of the funniest moments I've ever seen.
I really love my family. Lol
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A theasaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
My friend sent me these puns idk source just thought you would enjoy
There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:
Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?
Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, “Sire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.
After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.
One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.
“Father,” said Emily, “have you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”
“No worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”
The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.
The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.
“What is your answer, young man?” declared the king.
The young man replied, “In order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”
The king answered “lol get it?”
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
... and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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