You Can Get It Puns

"So, do you want two lanes or four lanes?"

So I got her a bag of peas.

I'm here on the swings.

At that price, you can't turn it down!

Unsinkable 2

You have just staged a coupe.

The tracker says it's 'out for delivery'

Corn-tine

No Sun :(

It's spam.

The doctor asks: “When did you swallow it?”

“About 3 years ago.”

“Really? Why are you coming this late?!”

“Well… I lost my spare key.”

Because you have the chance toboggan.

It's being Starcastic :o

To study web design!

It's whichever one you're about to throw away.

My dad just broke three ribs- don't worry, he's fine. Just annoyed he can't do things for the next 4 weeks at least.

We're a family that likes to rib (ha!) each other mercilessly, him worst of all. It's all love.

Can you lot help me think of as many rib puns as possible to throw into casual conversation/ his get well soon card??

They get hopping mad.

its all in the delivery

The bumblebee

The son says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three different pet stores before I found one that sold toucans.".

One of the natives asks him if it's going to be a cold winter. Takoda, being a new chief, doesn't know the tricks of determining the weather from the animals, clouds, trees, etc. but he also doesn't want to look naive so he says "yes I think it's going to be cold, so gather some wood." The townspeople thus head out to get wood.

When all the townspeople leave, the chief calls the weather station and asks if it's going to be a cold winter in Nyuktuk. The guy at the weather office says "hold on a second." He comes back and says "yes it appears like it will be a cold winter."

When the townspeople come back Takoda says to them "it's going to be a colder weather than I first thought. Go gather more wood."

So the townspeople head out to get more wood. But the chief is still not sure. So he calls back the weather station and asks if they are sure. The weatherman says "one second" then comes back on and says "it's definitely going to be a cold winter." So when the townspeople return, Chief Takoda tells them to go out and gather all the wood they can find.

But after they all the townspeople leave, the chief is still not sold. So he calls the weather station and asks if they are sure it's going to be cold in Nyuktuk. The weatherman says that not only will it be cold but it likely will be one of the coldest winters on record. "But how do you know?" the chief asks. The weatherman says "because the Indians are gathering wood like crazy."

“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”

Thank you for your cervix

first im not sure where to post this story but this is true and ive been cracking up ever since my daughter told me that happened.

So my daughter is 23 now. When she was 18 & im dropping her off at college, i told her that "anytime a guy approachs you and youre not in the mood to be hit on just tell the guy you have herpes or whatever and hopefully he'll stop & go away, if he doesnt...then, well ya know...you leave as safely as u can." i thought it was harmless kinda funny advice. So last night, when she's picking up her dog (cause i said id puppysit while she went to the football game), I said something to the effect of the dog needing a slow feed bowl and she rolled her eyes and told me shes not taking advice from me after the "herpe talk". i said "what? what herpe talk?" and she reminded me of that advice i offered when she was an 18 year old college freshmen and then told me thats why she doesnt have a bf. i chuckled and started asking, "have u ever said that? what happened? how many times have you told a guy that?" she continued to tell me that she went to a few frat/soriety get togethers with her girlfriends and maybe used that line 6-7 times. i lost it laughing and said "you know those 6-7 guys told at least 3-4 people each and so on." she goes "No shit Dad. because of you i cant find a date cause everyone thinks i have herpes." anyways, i thought this was too funny to not share, plus it worked cause i get to puppysit versus grandbabysit.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?" I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?" He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out." I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.

The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.

The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.

That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.

The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. ‘’Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.

He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes

For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like ‘’pineapple sauce!’’ and ‘’love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.

The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.

The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h

They both get pissed drunk and pass out. The man wakes up, pays his tab, begins to leave and the bartender points and says:“Oi! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”The man turns and says:“It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

• "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
• "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
• "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
• "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
• "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
• "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
• "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
• "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
• "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
• "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
• "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
• "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
• "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
• "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
• "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
• "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
• "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
• "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
• "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
• "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
• "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
• "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
• "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
• "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
• "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
• "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
• "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
• "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
• "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
• "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
• "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
• "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
• "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
• "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
• "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
• "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
• "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
• "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
• "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
• "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
• "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
• "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
• "I hate pale ale," sai

My 7 year old daughter was getting ready for bed and was looking for her iPad. “Dad, can you call my iPad?” She asked me. I was ready for this moment. Without hesitation I replied “what do you want me to call it?” She looked at me blankly. “No…call my iPad” she protested. I cupped my hand to my mouth and bellowed “Emily’s iPad” over and over. She finally caught on and we shared a laugh. I called her iPad on my phone, it rang in the other room.

Well...it was more like this...

Me: "Can one of y'all bring me some chips?"

Eli: "Here's some Tostitos..."

Me: "Not those...they require additions to make them taste, so...unless you wanna get me salsa or queso..."

Eli disappears and comes back giggling: "How 'bout NOT-tostitos?" (Holding a bag of generic Tostitos.")

Me, laughing: "No thanks."

Leah showing up: "How 'bout MEGA-tostitos?" Holding out taco shells..."

Me laughing openly: "No thanks...smart ass."

Eli showing back up, still giggling: "How bought RAW-tostitos?" (Holding out tortillas)

Me, laughing harder: "Uh...no"

Eli: "Maybe the Asian version?" (Whipping out rice paper wraps from behind his back)

Me, laughing even more: "Go away."

Eli, appearing again: "How about make-it-yourself-chips?" (Plopping a bag of potatoes in my lap)

I have raised my kids well. My poor wife gets no break.

The gardener asks what type of flowers they are putting in. His partner says, “We are planting Sneezeweed, Bee Balm, Lamb’s Ears, and Black-eyed Susans because they are the best perennials for the Pacific Northwest region.”

The gardener nodded in agreement, “You have been a wonderful addition. Thank you for bringing your knowledge and experience to the garden.”

“It has been a pleasure! Say, can you help me with this? I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I keep trying to lay this sod down, but I can’t get it to lay flat,” he confessed.

The gardener observed his partner as he attempted to lay down the sheet of grass, and came to a helpful conclusion.

The gardener explained, “Well, you are standing up and need to get closer to the ground. Kneel before sod.”

After getting the first dose, you’ll need to wait a few weeks for number 2.

EDIT: Wow! Thank you all so much for the views, upvotes, and awards. I have so much joy and excitement I can barely hold it in!!!

It's Spam

It's probably spam

Why do they put fences around cemetery’s? Because people are dying to get in.

I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his funeral to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?