My boss said to me "You're the worst train driver ever! How many have you derailed this year?!"
I said "I don't know... it's hard to keep track"
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you're thinking)
Not what you're thinking.
Which alcoholic drink can give you the illusion that you're hurt?
What do you need if you’re cold, while on the moon?
Whenever you're in the jungle, the urge to sing.
Is only ever
A whim away
A whim away
Never blame anyone else for the road you're on...
...that's your own asphalt!
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
If you're here for the yodelling lesson....
Pleased form an orderly,orderly,orderly,orderly queue.
If you’re teaching a new plumber the ropes of the trade you’re technically…
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
Did you hear about the summer camp for aspiring models? They’re hiring counselors for next year, but it’s not for everyone.
The camp goers are pretty intense.
So if you're in line for Pho are you in the
Officer: You’re under arrest for stealing the Wikipedia servers...
Me: But officer, I can explain everything!
What happens when you're looking for the Mortal Kombat soundtrack?
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....
If you're Russian in the kitchen what are you in the bathroom?
Don’t blame others for the road that you’re on
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
Sex when you're camping is the ultimate rush.
A cop stopped me and demanded i get out of the car. "You're staggering" he said.
"Well thank you. You're not so bad yourself."
If you're into gaming history, then you must play on the classic consoles,
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
Please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queue.
Did you hear that they're replacing two letters of the alphabet? Instead of T, you have to say "Clowns". Instead of V, you need to say "Jokers". I refuse to use them, but I was singing the alphabet when they changed them, so I have a problem...
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with U.
It would’ve been really dark if, when Snape was dying, Harry had said “now you’re really the half-blood prince”.
Because he only had half his blood left
I told my daughter when she was whining to me about her new boyfriend... ‘Don’t complain about the road you’re on right now’
When you're at the urinals, it doesn't matter of you're French, German, Spanish or Swedish
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you're smiling?
When you go into the bathroom you're American. When you leave the bathroom you're American. What are you when you're in the bathroom?
If you're a flapjack and you need to go pee you maple the 3rd handle
My kid wanted to join the orchestra. I said "sorry, but you're way too young for that…"
"…it has a lot of sax and violins."
Son: You're taking all the oysters!
Dad: Sorry, im being shellfish.
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If you're American in the living room, then what are you in the bathroom?
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”
I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
Don't blame others for the road you're on.
Don’t blame others for the road you’re on...
Don’t blame others for the road you’re on.
Don't blame others for the road you're on.
You can’t blame anyone for the road you’re on.
Don't blame others for the road you're on.
Don't blame others for the road you're on in life.
Don’t worry if you’re tall or skinny or rich or poor. And the end of the day...
Dont blame other for the road you're on.
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
If you're Russian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?
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