Yes R Puns

Don't wanna be Obama self. I'm just China to make you happy. Yes, my pun Israel. Norway I'm lying, Syria stuff. You guys Ghana have to Czech these puns. Okay, I think I will Finnish now. I think Alaska guy to help me out because I’m Havana hard time. You have no India how long it took me to make these puns, but I hope they'll help Sweden your day because I Canada think of one anymore. Oman, I think Iran out of ideas Irish I can think of Samoa. I think my Bahrain can’t think of one anymore but Taiwan this to continue. I want Tibet that there are better things to do now. I Belize it’s time to put an end to these puns because I’m Oslo getting Bordeaux this. African hate these puns I want Togo because I Amsterdam tired. I’m Sudan with puns now.

He’ll come around eventually.

To which they answered “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.

"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."

"Dad you don't mean-"

"Yes son ,i do" Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition

"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.

"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

• thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

A tiny part of me says yes.

Me: Hindsight

Professor X: Well that won't be much help to us...

Me: Yes I see that now.

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

Well if I’m talking to drugs, I’ve probably already said yes.

He picked up an acorn and asked me what it was. I told him it was a tree. He said really? I said, well in a nutshell yes.

She said, "That's a human right."

I said, "Yes, my boss is a human."

Yes a stick

I told him yes, but it’ll heel.

Patient: yes.

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

Me: Well, that’s your Uncle Frank. That’s where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny. Never understood why. Son: Maybe it’s so he could be Frank in Stein Me: That son of a bitch!

And yes, just to be clear: not original, saw it on discord, checked this sub, 6 months since last time this joke was posted here.

True story, I work in the health industry, get to ask these questions from time to time:

Me: Good morning (of course no matter what time of day it is)! I have 4 questions for you, let’s see if you studied for the test...

Patient: (most of the time, chuckle)

Me: Have you had a fever in the last 48 hours?

Patient: No

Me: Have you had a persistent cough recently?

Patient: No

Me: Have you been tested for COVID-19 recently?

Patient (sometimes): Yes

Me: Do you know the results of the test?

Patient (about 85% of the time): Negative

Me: You don’t know the results of the test? (Straight face behind mask)

Patient: It was negative

Me: (smile and chuckle showing through mask)

Patient: Ohhhh! I get it! (Laughs 95% of the time)

Me: Dad jokes have to happen... 🙂

/insert question #4 here, unrelated to said joke... heh

“Yes” “Oui” “Sí” “Ja”

Yes.

He nuts and bolts!

Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.

This was a problem on my step sons homework. No matter what, he couldn't seem to grasp it. So, I grabbed some post-it notes, turned it to a diamond and said "this is a diamond correct?" he says yes. I then turn the post-it notes a few degrees and say "this is a square correct?" And he instantly got what he had to do. I then threw out this, grade "A" knee slapper of a line "Diamonds are just crooked squares, you can't trust'em".

I think I'm gonna put on my jorts and tube socks now.

The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: “Yes, and what a lovely scent it had.”

Why yes, we arson.

...yes, I was really strapped for cash back then.

If you have ever put together a new BBQ, you know how bad the instructions can be. Yesterday, my wife and I struggled through the horrible task. When we finally figured out the last complicated step, I exclaimed “Yes! Now we’re cooking with gas.”
She actually smiled at that one, which is rare when I make Dad jokes.

A man's farts once began sounding like the word "honda."

US Doctors were no help for the man.

Finally a Japanese Doctor took his case & sent for the man to come to Japan.

The man flew to Japan and after a short examination the Doctor said to him, "you have abscess tooth."

"An abscess tooth?" the man asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor "abscess make the fart go Honda."

"Yes, he burned his Japaknees,"

Caveman 2: "That depends on how fast you carry the club."

(Yes, I'm aware of the anachronisms.)

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.

My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."

Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

I said, “Yes please.”

Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

would I just have beer?

He shows it to his son, all proud, and says : "You see, son, when you put a donkey in this end of the machine, a sausage will automatically come out." The son, very confused, asks : "But dad, is there a way to do the opposite, insert a sausage and a donkey comes out?" The father proudly answers : "Yes son, your mom."

Yes, the steaks were very high.

Me: "Yes, I have one that's just under two."

Blonde: "I may be blonde, but I know how many one is!!'

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed “yes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

Because you must first veal before you can reveal.

And yes, I just said this to my wife. She can't wait until our kids are teenagers and I can tell these jokes in front of their friends.

The waiter walks over and asks for the order.

The politician says what they would like, before adding, "But when it's ready, just give me a shout and I'll bring it to my table."

"Bring it to your table?" replies the staggered waiter. "But that is my job."

"Yes, because I'm only interested in serving myself."

My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”

I told him yes, but it’ll heel.

Yes we arson

Yes, we arson.

Yes, we arson.

Yes, we arson.