Why did Bilbo Baggins not want to give up the ring?

It was a force of hobbit.

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Suffocatedwallaby
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Obi-Wan didn't want to eat his vegetables

So, Qui-Gonn had to force him...

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GodsOwnTypo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.

They swing with alot of Force.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notathrowaway2937
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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What do you call a Jedi horse?

Unbridled force.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/absurdF
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water"

She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theevildave
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
That stripper party was no fun.

All they did was force us to remove the old paint from the walls.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
1-800-GET-RICH

If you, or a loved one, wear glasses and are being forced to wear a mask, you may be entitled to condensation.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Edavis050694
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Darth Vader punish his kids?

He forces them to their rooms...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alastrel3000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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After watching Star Wars, my friend on tumblr told me he identifies as The Force

I guess that makes him a ForceKin

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain

She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things.

Her name will be Ella Vader

πŸ‘︎ 487
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akamark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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I want to tell a Star Wars joke...

But I’m afraid it would be too forced.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Where would you find flying rabbits?

in the hare force

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pandacoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Nineteen Eighty-Four is such a great book

The government should force every student to read it

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PygmeePony
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I got into an argument with a friend about what the best medieval weapon was. I said the Warhammer, he said the Mace. It got so heated we are currently not speaking to each other...

Talk about blunt force drama.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UltimaBahamut93
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to think of a good Star Wars pun

But it just felt Forced.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NEONGGUY54
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
The creator of Paper Mario was recently playing a game of poker.

He didn’t have enough to wager, so he was forced to fold.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperSonicForce
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Is it normal for a Jedi to scale walls and obstacles with ease?

Yes, it’s parkour the force.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Jedi fix his computer?

He force quit it

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marc_the_shell
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Tomorrow night the Reindeer will be working for Santa against their will...

They've been forced into sleighvery.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What's Darth Vader's favorite subject?

Mechanics, Because it talks about the force.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackStonerZ
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My computer said my password is insecure.

Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.

πŸ‘︎ 294
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
How does Darth Vader like his toast?

On the dark side... This joke was a little forced.

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tokyo-dawn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
The results of the post-mortem were in, and it was clear the man had been murdered with a plate of mild curry.

A Blunt Force Korma

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KubaKomorebi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Am I the asshole in this situation?

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Variations on Cake by the Ocean

Having dessert in Professor Snape's class? That's
Cake by the potion

Having dessert while moisturizing your skin?
Cake by the lotion

Having dessert in limine?
Cake by the motion (mine)

Having dessert along with kinetic force?
Cake by the motion (my daughter)

Having dessert while dividing it?
Cake by the quotient

Having dessert while you blow things up?
Cake by the explosion

Having dessert while you come up with an idea?
Cake by the notion

Having dessert while watching chaos?
Cake by the commotion

Having dessert next to someone who is getting a new job? Hopefully it's
Cake by the promotion

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dedtired
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
One liner

Males are just females without the fes

Fes can be forced to sound like Fees, and woman have a stereotype of spending money

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Karwaffle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
When you fart say "sounds like someone just broke the sound barrier" Then say

"Probably was the Air Force"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to be a financial advisor for the military..

One time a contractor approached me and asked if I wanted to buy some panzers that his company built.

I considered it for a while but remembered that the air force needed to get new fighter jets.

I turn back to the contractor and say, β€œsorry, but we just don’t have enough room in the budget. Thanks but no tanks.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Bandit_TFR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A stoner, a Jedi, and a recent orphan walks into a bar

Blunt Force Trauma

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πŸ‘€︎ u/man_nowhere
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn’t open my champagne last night

Until I used Brut force

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadBoi4lyf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m the animal kingdom, it’s considered a heinous crime for a malaria-infected mosquito to bite.

The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn.

Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture.she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force.

The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden.

The mosquito was on the lamb.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadfullyBIzzy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Air Force Two should have its name changed

To Spare Force One

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexthebeast
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Everyone, please watch out for this.

https://www.reddit.com/r/PunSpecialForces/comments/ccfpi5/we_need_to_raid_rpuns/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Recently a member of r/PunSpecialForces has requested to raid r/puns, but a member of r/PunInternalAffairs is trying to stop this. This is a message to keep you guys safe.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_charmander
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
How do Jedi parents feed their children?

They force feed them.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skyler_Kurgan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A joke can be like a fart

If you force it, it’s probably shit

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyRDGamer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report

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