I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.

Only one was like "Yemen"

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is β€œbeefstew” an unsafe password to use?

Because it’s not Stroganoff.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peytonmi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a term for people like Trump

Evidently not two though

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Meemsouprice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobo4lifee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gambitK9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tkbrahe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
How does Jesus make his Coffee?

Hebrews it.

πŸ‘︎ 586
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
After a heated argument, my kid shouted β€œJim Morrison was overrated”

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catmom81519
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn’t planet.

πŸ‘︎ 572
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandma is 80% Irish.

People call her Iris.

πŸ‘︎ 375
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

Atleast that's what she said in her diary.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__teju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
British people be like I'm bri ish

It's because they drank the t

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the angriest nut?

Pissed-aschios.

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heywood_Jablwme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I don’t understand how she can feel that way.

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rafwaf123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

πŸ‘︎ 469
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...

Just in case there's a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 214
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laserspewpew_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was told that my dad was pronounced dead

I can’t believe I’ve been saying it wrong my whole life

πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?

There were repercussions.

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayingMantis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...

Bartender says, β€œThat will be $20.20.”

πŸ‘︎ 297
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the lesbian pirate say during sex?

Scissor me timbers!

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huntingclue47
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say β€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

β€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuskIsAlien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I considered converting my wardrobe to house my board game collection, but was worried about losing clothing space.

It was trivial per suit.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PythagorasJones
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do balloons filled with helium cost more than balloons sold in packages?

Inflation

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Mashup pun needed

I’m headed to a Halloween mashup party this weekend and I need a costume - think β€œEggs and Hamlet” or β€œBrokeback Mountain Dew” or β€œZom-bee” - I felt like the reddit pun world might be able to hook me up - any suggestions?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rockStree
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Maybe the Best Dad Jokester Ever. R.I.P. John Witherspoon

On Oct. 29, 2019, the world lost a legend. Esteemed actor and comedian, John "Pops" Witherspoon, passed away at the age of 77. After making his acting debut on The Richard Pryor Show in 1977, Witherspoon starred in cultural classics like Good Times, House Party, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, Bebe's Kids, Boomerang, Soul Plane, I Got the Hook-Up, The Wayans Bros, all three of the revered Friday movies and many more. https://4ormypeople.com/mood/2019/10/30/rip-john-pops-witherspoon

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yadadameannn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
The Cheerio story

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the β€œAmerican dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackcrackaman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Bit long: There is a world where...

There is a world where everyone is a cheerio and there are 4 main ranks. There is the plain cheerio then the chocolate cheerio then then the rainbow cheerio and then finally King cheerio himself. In this world there is a man called Steve, Steve was a plain cheerio working at a Mc. donalds. He found working there very boring, so he saved up enough money to get a surgery to become a chocolate cheerio. And so he got the surgery and now he was able to be manager at the Mc. Donalds he was working at. However he still didn't feel as if this was enough so he saved up enough money to get another surgery to become a rainbow cheerio. Now that he was a rainbow cheerio he owned Mc. Donalds itself. As a celebration king cheerio hosted a party at his mansion for Steve's new job. During the party Steve got a chance to speak with the King and he asked him how it was to be a the king, but the king replied that it was extremely exhausting to be the king. So Steve decided that he didn't want to be king. After his conversation he felt thirst so headed over to the drinks building. On the first floor he new he could get bear which he wanted, but as he arrived he noticed that the line was too big. So Steve went up to the next floor where there was wine, but again the line was too big. On the third floor there was Coke, but just like the other floors the line was too big. He also new that on the 5th floor there was milk which was his favourite. So he thought that might as well skip the 4th floor to get milk. But he changed his mind has he walked by the 4th floor as he saw the sign that they where serving punch and as he realised there wasn't any punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/51MOE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Jimmy Carr
  • I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

  • I went up to the airport information desk. I said "How many airports are there in the world?"

  • I hate fat girls who use the excuse "oh the camera adds 10lb" Well, stop eating cameras then.

  • At the check-in desk the girl said, ''Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?''

She said, ''No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''l'll have a seat.''

  • When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

  • A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done"

  • Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don't live in New York City.

  • Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

  • British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilikefruitydrinks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
🚨︎ report
What do you call paper you can’t trust?

A sketch pad

πŸ‘︎ 128
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Got a girl at a party...

Her: Yeah, I've actually been dancing since I was two years old!

Me: Wow, thats so impressive. You must be so tired by now!

Groans were had by both parties

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/n1njast1ck
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2015
🚨︎ report
How does NASA organize a party?

They planet

πŸ‘︎ 916
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/369damnurfine
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2014
🚨︎ report
How does NASA throw a party?

They planet.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bufftbone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2016
🚨︎ report
On my prom night I tried to be the perfect date...

I arranged a nice car, I acted like the worlds best son in law to her parents and I held open the door when we got to the venue. All in all everything went great. When we got to the party I asked if she would like something to drink, she said yes and I went to get us some drinks. When I got back and gave her the drink she said: "wow! That was fast" and I said that's because there was no punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/woepie11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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