The world's ending, wanna make out?

I'll use my apoca-lips

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πŸ‘€︎ u/celticdude234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
If the end of the world happens, I want it to be hailing taxis.
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MerseySideAlt9
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Met a beautiful girl over Spring Break in Mexico, but she constantly talked about the end of the world.

She had Acapulco-lips.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about how llamas would cause the end of the world?

It was an alpaca-lypse

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toku-Nation
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
"You got spat on, you big baby, it's not the end of the world!"

"That's not what I said. I said it was the alpaca lips!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I think all World races should end in Europe

At the Finnish line

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kabocha00sama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?

On the apocalypse.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dysmmfz1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My son cried when he lost his first girlfriend. I told him don't worry its not the end of the world

Just yours.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diceblue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
So what if I can't spell apocalipse"?

It's not like it's the end of the world.

πŸ‘︎ 357
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Enrage
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A bloke on a tractor just drove past and shouted β€œthe end of the world is nigh”

I think it was farmer geddon

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The world ended when I kissed an alpaca.

It was the alpaca-lips.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigreye007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy in a tracker just drive past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh!"

Must be Farmer Geddon

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrWulf360
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have determined exactly what will spell the end of the world

D.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/el_gregorio
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My end of the world prediction is pretty far away.

I wouldn't bet on it though. Hindsight's 2080.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyZillion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.

In the end, he came around.

(originally r/jokes)

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sur5er
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
People talk about the apocalypse like it’s the end of the world.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freebird003
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe...

Toward the Finnish line

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BiggiePhats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Its the end of the world... v.redd.it/5dg8z49i67p11
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jethroong
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Which Pirates of the Caribbean movie is a favorite of Flat-earthers...?

At World's End.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Just_arrived_here
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Proof that the world is NOT going to end in 2012. imgur.com/dLOlg
πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2012
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Hearing loss isn't the end of the world...

but a string of words in sign-language is a deaf sentence.

Edit: please don't thank me, just pay it forward.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/someauthor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2017
🚨︎ report
What beverage does someone stock up on when they think the world is going to end?

Dr Prepper

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuchoTornado
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Oof
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m07815
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Did not see that coming.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
🚨︎ report
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.

They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad sent me this text last night after Kolten Wong was picked off to end Game 4 of the World Series

"The picked off Cardinal base runner was in the Wong place at the Wong time."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acooper1995
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
🚨︎ report
It really doesn’t matter if you can’t spell Armageddon

It isn’t the end of the world

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dazcn24
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, my flat-earther friend tried to walk to the end of the world to prove its flat.

In the end, he came around.

πŸ‘︎ 167
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiotYeah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.

In the end, he came around.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A bloke on a tractor has just driven passed me shouting, "The end of the world is nigh."

I think it was Farmer Geddon!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the best part about sleeping at the end of the world as we know it?

R.E.M.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedoctor107653
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
🚨︎ report
So what if I can't spell armageddon?

It's not the end of the world.

πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EddieGrant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
After the Hawaii scare, people are making end of the world jokes.

Like there is no tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
🚨︎ report
So what if I can't spell armageddon?

It's not the end of the world.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means?

It’s not the end of the world!

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
So what if I can't spell 'Armageddon'

It's not the end of the world

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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