I tried to crack a joke at our weekly mandatory meeting at work, but no one laughed.

I guess….you had to be there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2023
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In a safety meeting at work they asked me what steps I'd take in a fire

Apparently "Really big and fast ones" was the wrong answer.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2022
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I'm after meeting with a terrible accident in work losing the fingers on my right hand....

I asked the doctor would it still be possible to learn to write, he said yes, but don't count on it...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StephenGTS125
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2022
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I heard a really funny joke at our mandatory meeting at work. But when I retell it, no one laughs.

I guess you had to be there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time

I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I had to reschedule a work meeting today to bring my son to the orthodontist. My coworker said she was thinking the same thing because she has to visit the dentist.

I told her that was quite coinciDENTAL.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Promiscuous_D8a
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxUsernameMichael
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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During a work meeting

The owner of my company goes, "Well we finally got our sales team back so we are ready to go."

Me: "Full sales ahead!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plutoisplanet9
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my colleagues at a faculty meeting. Thank God I work with great people.

Me (returning from obvious bathroom break): knock knock

Colleagues: <groan> Who's there?

Me: Deirdre Discope.

Colleagues: Deidre Discope who?

Me: Yup.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Z3roSum0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my work meeting.

This just happened. We have a daily meeting in the morning where we discuss what we did the day before, what we're doing today and if we're having any issues. When the meeting was wrapping up, we started talking about what we're doing for team lunch this afternoon. We started talking about Indian food and how there is one over by a deli. So I ask "Is it a New Delhi?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whitenight2012
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
🚨︎ report
When you work for IKEA, you have to attend all the meetings.

Assembly is required.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prlugo4162
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2023
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I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yomommafool
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2022
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I went to a meet-and-greet for work the other day.

There was a lot of small talk and chit-chat.

I discovered that the Titanic is not a good icebreaker

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2022
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The joke that made all of my coworkers groan

I work in long term healthcare and every year, we fill out a sheet that details what is Important To and Important For for every person that we support just to help keep things in perspective.

During our meeting, my supervisor said, "okay, that's the Important To. Let's move on to Important For.

I raised my hand and said, "Wait! You skipped Important Three!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uuuhhhh24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2022
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Once upon a time, there was a bird...

This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.

But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.

He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.

Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.

Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.

He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.

After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.

Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.

The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".

The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.

After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vasagle_gleblu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2023
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A man is telling his friend about his new job at the local sawmill…

β€œThe other day a guy cut his arm off!”

β€œWhat did he do?”

β€œWe put it in a plastic bag, drove him to the hospital, the doctors reattached it, and he was back at work the next day”

β€œWow! The marvels of modern medicine”

The following week the friends met up again…

β€œAnything interesting happen at the sawmill this week?”

β€œYeah a guy cut off his leg”

β€œWhat did you do?”

β€œWe put the leg in a plastic bag, drove him to the hospital, the doctors reattached it, and he was back at work the next day”

β€œWow! The marvels of modern medicine!”

The following week at their weekly meet up…

β€œAnything interesting at the sawmill this week?”

β€œYeah a guy cut off his head”

β€œLet me guess, you put the head in a plastic bag, drove him to the hospital, the doctor’s reattached it, and he was back at work the next day?”

β€œNo he died”

β€œWhat happened?”

β€œFar as we can tell he suffocated on the way to the hospital”

All credit to Lorne and Wally’s men from Maine here in Boston. Listened to them on the way to school and later, when I was older, on the way to work!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waddles113
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2023
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Stop me if you've herd this one before.

Three sheep walk into a bar and form a...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3veated
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2023
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Wanted: Industrial Fabrication Dad Joke

So I work at an industrial fabrication and welding shop. Every week management holds a brief floor meeting to cover a topic related to industrial safety and touch on any general housekeeping. I've created a niche as the "joke-teller" to wrap up every meeting. The presentation this week is on heat straightening (process to heat a piece of steel with a torch). I'm coming up short on a solid dad joke to tie it all together. Hoping the community can help me out. What do you got?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spazzwheel_13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2023
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I wasn’t ex-static with this LinkedIn message
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LArioUK
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2022
🚨︎ report
150 Elephant Jokes

This is a compilation from the internet, and a few I made or heard myself. Hope you laugh!

^((Elephant Jokes were a thing from the 1960s. You can read about them on Wikipedia.))

^((Each section should be read all at once, in order. Some sections also reference previous sections. ))

Mouse

Q: Why did the elephant run from the mouse?

A: Because it had a bazooka.

Q: Why did the mouse chase the elephant?

A: To steal the bazooka.

Toenails

Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?

A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: Works, doesn't it?

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in a cherry tree?

A: Tickle the cherries and see if they laugh.

Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

A: A giraffe eating cherries.

Q: How can you tell if there have been elephants in your fridge?

A: There are footprints in the custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?

A: That's not paint, it's custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?

A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

Q: How did the mouse break his back?

A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.

Oak Trees

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the oak tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants fall out of the oak trees.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that crossed the woods at 3:30 in the afternoon.

Under the Bed

Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on hi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2023
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Someone drew this at the ice cream store I work at. Meet Chance the Frapper!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pwilly10
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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Did you hear of Adidas's and Kanye West's disagreement?

He got shoed away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NightShadeLuke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2022
🚨︎ report
San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event.

But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourOverLordisME
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2022
🚨︎ report
2 friends who work as Janitors at a Target meet up after hours

They talked for a few hours while cleaning the store, and find a few isles that are way beyond "dirty". They decided to have a match. Whoever finishes their half of the area is deemed best janitor. Before they started, one of them scoffs and says, "I'ma wipe the floor with you"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeRp_Meister
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime…

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa. He asks her - why did you say that? I don't know, I just felt like saying it. The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence. A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma. Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled. His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeKing4Real
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
🚨︎ report
Bert and Ernie had worked together as morning drivetime radio hosts for 20 years.

They'd traded jokes, played pop music, and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

Now, though, there was silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax message from the Department of Defense. As licensed broadcasters they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them the nukes were flying and that in a few minutes all the world's troubles would be over. What, though, was the point of that? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?

Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio door the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.

Bert, always the consummate professional, turned away from the window as the first explosion split the distant horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt, and brushed his hair back. He would meet his fiery death with dignity.

He turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice, "How do I look, Ernie?"

Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He looked into Bert's face and saw the closeness they shared, the strength of their relationship, forged over the years. He took a deep breath and spoke quietly:

"With your eyes, Bert."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My English book has puns. Wow.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ogranesson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
This holiday season, please donate to the National Association of Procrastinators (NAP)

They're way behind in meeting their fundraising goal before the end of the year. They don't have a fundraising progress chart available yet, but they're working on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I joined a support group for people who have Agoraphobia.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out.

Everyone wanted to have the meetings at their place. :-(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Cristiano Ronaldo phones up Buckingham Palace and asks to meet the Queen

...since he is a megastar with lots of clout, Buckingham Palace agrees and a few days later he gets his meeting with her.

"Your Majesty, a couple of months ago you ennobled an eye scientist for his contributions to ophthalmology," said Cristiano. "I saw it on TV and was touched by his story, how he grew up in poverty but eventually became this great and learned man. He reminds me of myself a bit, how I grew up poor but managed to become a great footballer."

"So," says Cristiano, "I decided to write a play about him, all about the study of eyes and how they work as well as the scientist's life story. I have brought the manuscript to you, so that you can deliver it to him in person."

Cristiano hands the Queen the manuscript that he is carrying. The Queen squints at his handwriting on the front page of the manuscript..."I'm going a little blind," she says, "please could you tell me what it says here?"

Cristiano replies, "Eye Play for Man You Knighted."

"Yes I know that, you idiot," replies the Queen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RisibleComestible
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Daughter Got Me Good!

Working on a crossword puzzle. The description word clue states, monthly meetings between parents and teachers.

Answer: PTA Her response: Parents Talk Alot

Had me stopped dead in a giggling fit!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragonheart527
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2022
🚨︎ report
How would Missy Elliott advertise her ice cream shop?

"Get yo' free cone 🎡"

(credit: guy at work told this one in a meeting)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamesnearn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
(Original) Whenever someone compliments my child’s appearance..

β€œWow your daughter is soo cute!”

β€œI’m just relieved she doesn’t look like any of my friends.”

Yes I use this at work and important business meetings. You gotta push the envelope to weed out the lamers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZachMartin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie β€œup”

It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, β€œJust take your Up, vote and go.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Silent--Soliloquy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I got fired from my job at TGI Fridays.

At the meeting they told me 2 things;

1: in here, its always Friday 2: I am no longer required to work Fridays.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdbsplashum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My son wasn't feeling well this morning.

When my son got up this morning he said he wasn't feeling well and might not be able to go to school (he's in 1st grade). When I got to work I texted my wife and asked how he was doing.

Wife: He's fine. He just had to poop.

Me: So what you're saying is... he was full of shit?

I think I showed at least 15 people at work that text exchange before I left for the day.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freetattoo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Sure my dad didn't write this, but it was always one of his favorites. The organs were having a meeting...

"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"

"What?"

"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, thinking--why is this even a question?'

'Well, good luck doing all of the thinking if you can't see where you're going,' say the eyes. 'We should be in charge.'

'What good is it going to do seeing, if you can't get anywhere?' asked the legs.

'Well, without us, you'd have no oxygen,' said the lungs.

'Are you serious?' said the stomach. 'How are you supposed to process energy and do any of this stuff, without me??'

'Well, what about me?' piped up the asshole. 'I'm important too..'

'You?!?' laughed the other parts. 'Shut up, asshole!'

So the asshole went on strike.

A week and a half later, the brain couldn't think straight. The eyes couldn't focus, the legs were asleep from sitting on the pot, and the stomach was so jammed up full of crap that the lungs could barely breathe.

Finally, they all went to the asshole and said, 'Look, we're sorry, we're sorry!! Just come back to work, you can be in charge!'

...and that's why all bosses are assholes."

Miss ya, Pops.

πŸ‘︎ 736
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paprikashi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2015
🚨︎ report
I told my friends a joke I heard at my mandatory meeting at work, but no one laughed.

I guess you had to be there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friends a joke I heard at my mandatory weekly meeting at work, but no one laughed.

I guess you had to be there.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friends a joke I heard at my mandatory weekly meeting at work, but no one laughed.

I guess you had to be there.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

πŸ‘︎ 225
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yomommafool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2022
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On the way to an important meeting and my watch stopped working

I've got no time for this

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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Fired for a tire

True story: I had a friend that worked at a bike shop and we would meet for drinks on Wednesdays and play darts. He told me about how he his boss has been on him for showing up late and leaving early, and today he was fired!

I gave him a look and saw that he was wearing a bike tube as a belt…

I asked if was fired for his a-tire…

It was a bit too soon, and I didn’t mean to inflate the situation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/somewon86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2022
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Had a good one at work today…

On Teams Chat Boss: β€œWhen should we meet tomorrow?” Me: β€œMorning works best for me” Boss: β€œ10-4” Me: β€œI don’t think it needs to be 6 hours”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haywood-Jablomey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2022
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Since you all liked my first post, here's a true story

I am a construction manager, and a couple years ago my boss asked me to go meet a new subcontractor who we had never worked with before. When he arrived to the site he had a younger guy with him. He walks over and says "Hi, my name is Ron Anderson, and this is my son, Ron". I couldn't stop myself. I looked this stranger dead in the eye and said "Well, you know, two Ron's don't make a right!".

Neither he nor his son were amused. But they still did the work. Honestly, though, how many times in your life are you actually going to get the chance to say that. Carpe diem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamcalifornia
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2021
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