Two lumberjacks were cutting wood. One of them shouted at the other over the noise of the chainsaw, β€œWhat was the name of that tree ring dating app you were using?”

The other replied, β€œTiiiiimmmber!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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What did Elijah Wood name his shop that sells only bells?

Lord Of The Dings

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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What is the last name of the actor who played Oliver Wood?
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meatb4ll
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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Hi, dadjokesters…name for a business please

Hi there. I’m starting a side hustle making wood art, pyrography, live edge tables and such. Any suggestions for a name? Thanks

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2023
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A moose and a mouse meet in the woods and the mouse says "you spell your name funny"

The moose replies "no u"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chrisazy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2022
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I wood too...
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Past-Ad-1061
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2022
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I got a pet termite today...

I named him Clint Eatswood.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DRJA5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2023
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My friend David lost his ID

Now he's just Dav.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Giant_man_thing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2023
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Why does the Major stay in his office?

Because he’s an office sir.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObscureWhistle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2022
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Idiot of the Year

I sometimes go to the β€œIdiot of the Year” event in our prairie town, where each year hundreds of people from the town and nearby villages gather in the community hall for jokes and a guessing game. It starts with various people coming on stage to tell bad jokes, and finishes with the guessing game, which involves the master of ceremonies pulling a blanket off a mystery object on stage. The first person to name the object gets the β€œIdiot of the Year” trophy, which is an old shoe nailed to a block of wood. Three years ago, the object was an old bicycle, and Melvin Sneeter, who works in the local hardware store, was the first to yell out β€œbicycle”. Two years ago, Cynthia Frizzle, a housewife from the nearby town of Spuzzum, was correct with β€œtricycle”. And last year, the object was a bit more difficult, so the trophy wasn't awarded, because nobody knew the name of that one-wheeled contraption that you must balance and pedal.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dremxox
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2022
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150 Elephant Jokes

This is a compilation from the internet, and a few I made or heard myself. Hope you laugh!

^((Elephant Jokes were a thing from the 1960s. You can read about them on Wikipedia.))

^((Each section should be read all at once, in order. Some sections also reference previous sections. ))

Mouse

Q: Why did the elephant run from the mouse?

A: Because it had a bazooka.

Q: Why did the mouse chase the elephant?

A: To steal the bazooka.

Toenails

Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?

A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: Works, doesn't it?

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in a cherry tree?

A: Tickle the cherries and see if they laugh.

Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

A: A giraffe eating cherries.

Q: How can you tell if there have been elephants in your fridge?

A: There are footprints in the custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?

A: That's not paint, it's custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?

A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

Q: How did the mouse break his back?

A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.

Oak Trees

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the oak tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants fall out of the oak trees.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that crossed the woods at 3:30 in the afternoon.

Under the Bed

Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on hi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2023
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The joke that got me arrested. I got pulled over by the police. When he got to my window he asked me if I knew why he pulled me over. I said "You wanted to ask me to the (city-name) Police Ball charity event?".

With a confused but serious look the officer replied "The (city-name) Police Department doesn't have any balls sir". After my brief chuckle he used the force to arrest me. Not the light force or the dark force. He used excessive force. The light sabers are black and made of wood but they really hurt. The force was strong with that one.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2022
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I got a pet termite recently.

His name is Clint. Clint Eats-wood.

(I can't take credit for this one, I heard it on the radio this morning.)

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shastakine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2022
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I dated a woman with a wooden leg for a while.

But I broke it off.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Honeybucketman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2022
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what goes 99 clunk, 99 clunk 99 clunk?

A centipede with a wooden leg.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Floaty_Goat
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2022
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Punsters! Help my lock in a great business name!

TLDR - I'd like to figure out how to work in "well hung" into my wood sign business name.

I'm up and running in a specific genre (sort of crass, inappropriate, edgy sayings, quotes, etc) and "well hung" works great as it fits well on both ends - edgy vibe I'm going for, and also...they are signs that need to be hung...well. I'd like a domain name that's available and well hung dot com an any others I've tried are all taken.

Only other aspect that could (optionally) be worked in would be anything to do with the fact that I use reclaimed , recycled, throw-away wood for all my projects to do my little part in cutting down on the enormous underutilization and total waste of wood that's happening everyday in America. I suppose if I have to I could drop the "well hung" thing and go that way if I like it more.

Suggestions?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoreofnothing22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2022
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RIP Kev

This old bloke I know just passed away. He was well known in the community for his wood turning - bowls, furniture - you name it, he did it. So for the funeral, they decided to bury his prized lathe right there next to him.

It's a nice gesture - but I know he'd be turning in his grave if he knew.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CpnCodpiece
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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A lumberjack died in the woods...

There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.

One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.

So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of

β™ͺ Guess who died in the woods today β™« Do Dah, Do Dah. β™« Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬

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πŸ‘€︎ u/philo-sopher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Jack and the Beanstalk meets Little Red Riding Hood

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. β€œOh Junior,” she said, β€œyou’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. β€œWell Grandma,” he replied. β€œIt’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: β€œJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: β€œMa, we’re happy, you can’t just-β€œ But she interrupted. β€œNo excuses!” She snapped. β€œYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coyoteTale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Dad joked my little brother

Him- "I discovered some fungi in the woods!" Me- "What was his name?" Him- "..... Who?" Me- "The fun guy!"

I proceed to laugh while he shakes his head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomMenace95
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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My boss just got me

We have an employee who's last name is Woods

Boss came to me and goes do you know "Woods has a son named Chip"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wilcampad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2015
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Much like everyone else, my dad's quotes were made for this subreddit

While watching golf, some golfer named Chris Wood came on the screen.

Dad: "Hey, any of you guys know his brother, Stiff?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bromosapien234
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2013
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Simple yet great

We was in the front room by the fire where he was putting more wood on it.

Dad: You know what kind of wood this is?

Me: (trying to think of tree names) Oak?

Dad: Nope, tree wood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clayj9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
🚨︎ report

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