What do you call vandalism in Africa?
Why do clocks from rome always make people fall in love?
Because they make romantics.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
I was in California when I recognized a cop as a guy who grew up in the same area as me...
It's a CHiP off the old block!
A Chinese stand up comedian was half way his set when all the lights went out. He told the crowd to put all their hands in the air and wave. As by a miracle the lights came back on. ...
...'' You see? Many hands make light work.''
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints!
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I was arrested for copywrite infringement when I downloaded the entire Wikipedia site and published it as my book.
I told the arresting officer "I could explain everything."
Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
I was doing repairs/maintenance on a Skyjack when my boss came in asked me how the new parts were working.
I said they were up and down. Refurbished parts just can't cut it.
The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, “I’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
When I married my wife, I made a list of all the chores I knew how to do to help out in the house.
It was the list I could do
So two wind turbines are standing in a field when one asks the other ‘what kind of music do you like?’
The second replies ‘I’m a big metal fan’
Courtesy of my 10 year old!
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
If I have 6 oranges in one hand and 7 oranges in the other hand, what do I have?
Who do you call when all of your cured salmon is stuck in the freezer?
The hungry hungry hippos always have something to say when other hippos eat as much as they do
They're very hippo critical
Why do Germans skip the number 10 when counting?
It goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, nein 10.
I fell in love with the tick that bit me when I was on a trip to Rome
It was a Romantic gesture
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?
What do you call it when a lady of the night farts?
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants “Why do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good ol’ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!” He was surprisingly vocal...
What do you see when the Pillsbury dough boy bends over?
How do you cut the ocean in half?
What do you call it when a clam gets dust in its eyes?
What do you call it when you take pictures and share it with your family on the cloud?
What do the Black Eyed Peas sing when they make honey?
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it?
What did the left eye say to the right eye when they got married?
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is floating in the ocean?
What do people in Finland say when they complete something together?
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
Why do people say "we're running late " even when they're not running?
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
What happens when you put ducks in the concrete
You get quacks in the sidewalk
Dad: what do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
I’m back in my hometown looking after my Dad who gets a little forgetful. I helped him with a transaction, and when we left the store he said ‘We need to go to a trophy shop, I need to get a trophy that says-Best Son Ever- “Aw Dad, you’re my trophy”
He looks at me and says ‘It’s for your brother!’
Edit: Today he said he has to get all the info for my brothers trophy… because my brother just had a son and my dad wants to get a commemorative ‘trophy’ for his grandson! D’oh! I’m supposed to be helping him with his confusion.
What do you call it when your wife gets grumpy because you bought a simple gift for the anniversary?
What do you call the Terminator when he retires?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison.
Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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