My son told me he wanted to be a mime when he grows up. I told him absolutely not.

It's not like he can talk back to me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/overachievingogre
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses

All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...

πŸ‘︎ 355
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_bradley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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I wish I can be like that parent when I grow up
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Athena123YT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
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Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?

Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
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Tree: Hey, Boulder, what do you think I should be when I grow up? Boulder: You would make a wonderful bedroom furniture set.

Tree: Yes. Yes I wood. Thanks Boulder, you rock.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconaboot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, "Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"

He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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I think my child is going to be a graffiti artist when he grows up.

The writing’s on the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TF79870
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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When I grow up, I want to be the world’s largest supplier of neodymium.

That way, I can be a magnet magnate.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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I was gonna be a banker when I grow up but.....

I lost interest

Get it?????

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DumplinThief
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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When I grow up, I want to be a mirror cleaner.

It’s a job I can really see myself doing.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucaewings27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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Told my dad what I wanted to be when I grow up...

Me: (as a joke) Hey dad, I decided what I want to do when I'm older. I want to be that doctor that does circumcisions. Dad: Yeah good choice, I hear they tip well.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2014
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My grown son asked me how I never seemed to lose the tv remote when he was growing up.

I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter... A remote location.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Njensen58
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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When I was growing up, I wanted to become a monk.

I never got the chants.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.

Good thymes.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idkwutimd0ing
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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My son asked me, β€œWhat was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, β€œLed Zeppelin”.

My son: Who?

Me: Yes, they were good too.

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Growing up I couldn’t do math unless I was sitting in someone’s lap. When I was younger it was never a problem finding someone that would let me sit on their lap, but now that I’m older...

I can’t count on anyone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spunkards97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, β€œThe Sky’s the Limit!”

He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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When I was growing up I wanted to be a professional yoyo-er

I heard the career has a lot of ups and downs

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SavageMan0615
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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One of my dad's go-to classics when I was growing up

About 8/10 when my dad was checking out at the grocery store or best buy or somthing with a rewards card he would do the same dad joke (which I now find hilarious). If the cashier was a woman, this would go down:

>Cashier: Your total is $x.xx. Do you have a rewards card with us?

>Dad: uhh...I don't think so...

>Cashier: Well what's your phone number?

>Dad: Sorry I don't just give my number out I'm married.

idk if this counts but it was one of my dad's go-to's and the amount of times he did it combined w/ the eye roll punchline made it one to me.

Teenage me cringed, probably gonna do it myself at some point now. I accept my dad joke fate.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sloppysloppyjoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
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My dad's go-to joke when I was growing up, that I will most definitely be passing on to my kin.

When I would figure something out, or when I would show him that I made a good grade on a something..

"You're so bright. That's why I call you son."

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theearthvolta
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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Growing up, I always thought this quote from my dad was very powerful when I was angry.

Son. It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supermav27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys

When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_obnoxious
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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As a child...

As a child growing up, everyone scoffed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian when I was older.

Well nobody is laughing now...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Watford7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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A couple were interested in buying a haunted house.

The owner took them around the ground floor and everything looked perfect, even more so for the low price. The couple were suspicious that they saw no sign of anything supernatural, yet. The owner was pleasant and a little excited when showing them the house, until they got to the stairs. The woman stopped and looked incredibly uncomfortable as she stalled for time. Growing impatient, the couple asked her:

"What's upstairs?"

"Not much, what's up with you?" replied the stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goaheadidareyou
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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β€œHow do evil cows laugh when they are being bad?”

β€œMoooooooo-wa-hahahahaha.”

From my 10yo who said he might want to be a comedian when he grows up.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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Native American naming conventions (contains a swear word)

My dad used to tell me this one growing up:

>Native American child is with his father. He looks up at him and says "Dad, how did you figure out what to name us when we were born?"
>
>The dad responds "Son, it's easy: I just looked around nature and what I saw is what I named you. Your sister, Flying-Eagle, for instance, was born while an eagle flew overhead. Your brother was named Roaming-Buffalo for a similar reason. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JandersOf86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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So my 6 year old daughter got got my 8 year old son with this one this morning...

Son: So, what do you want to be when you grow up...? Daughter : well, I think I want to stay a person...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtslg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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a few jokes that will make u laugh

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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My son isn't keen on getting his haircuts. Every time I take him to the barber's, he questions why he needs his hair cut so often, while I never seem to need mine.

Today, I finally told him, "Because my hair falls out by itself."

I didn't have the heart to say, "You'll understand when you grow up."

It was about the only time male pattern baldness made sense to me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/austozi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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Two Farms

There was two farms next to each other, separated by a long fence. The two farmers were called nick and Barry. They were both very resourceful farmers, using each and every square inch of land to grow on. Both would tend to their crops twice a day every single day, and became friends. However, both farmers were penny pinchers, and would often try and take a few extra crops from the other side of the fence, which lead to arguments. One day, Barry came out to tend his crops, but nick did not appear once. This continued for several days. Both sets of crops continued to grow, along and up the fence, eventually intertwining. Both farmers were growing wheat. After around 5 days, Barry came out and to his delight, saw nick tending to his harvest. However, this delight soon changed to frustration as he saw nick taking extra crops from his side. "Where have you been, and what do you think you're doing?" He exclaimed. "I'm taking in my wheat, and I haven't been out for a few days due to illness. I've been feeling queasy and dizzy when I stand up, with a throbbing pain in my head each time. But it's ok, they're only headaches." "Oh I don't think so mister" said Barry.

"Those are my grains!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harryjrogers20
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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A dad asks his son what he wants to be when he grows up

"A historian" the son quickly remarks. The dad with a worried expression replies "You do want to earn money when you grow up don't you, it's just I'm concerned there's no future in history"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuyguy12
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm disappointed in the the overuse of Dad jokes in today's society

We're a fairly advanced society, we need jokes with content that makes us think. All these easy laughs are making us dumber by the second, and we just keep rewarding them with upvotes that convince the lazy among us to keep churning out lazy jokes. Comedy is one of the only common traits things in every society and culture on this planet and we may not always agree with what is funny, it's very subjective, but no society or culture has no comedy. It's one of the most effective unifiers in all human existence. Of course it's just my two cents, but we really need to avoid cheapening it. There are 6500 spoken languages in the world and this is the most widely spoken, the least spoken languages of course being sign language. Someone once said "a world without laughter would be like a world without warmth, a dark hole in the ground filled with cold water." I know they mean well, but I think it's worse than that. There are three unwritten rules for how comedy should function in the world. We have to learn to follow them or we're doomed as a people, forever, however just like there are two butts in the word "assassin", there are two caveats to this dire situation with lessons learned from the best there is. One is the lesson we can take from Switzerland, I'm not entirely sure what makes them so good at integrating comedy into their lives, but their flag is a huge plus. The other is the lesson we can learn from farmers who know how to put what's important first, how to put in the effort into growing something, and they are always outstanding in their field. We get too caught up in standard modalities of thinking and none of us are totally all right, in fact most of us are at least close to half left. In closing, the absence of comedy when you really think about it, is fear. Fear of the ups and downs of life, much like a fear of elevators. And just like a fear of elevators, we all must take steps to avoid it. Thank you for your time.

Disappointed

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mnemonikos82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Story time!

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
🚨︎ report
β€œI feel like such a failure, doc. All my 5 boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 739
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
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I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up

Good thymes

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fuqers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys

When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_obnoxious
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justshtmypnts
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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I was talking to a friend...

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Friend: I think I want to clean mirrors

Me: Why would you want to do that?

Friend: Well.. it's the only job I can see myself doing.

πŸ‘︎ 231
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoBody113
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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The day the son became the dad

Growing up, my dad would always dad joke me when a Who song came on the radio. Today was the day I got him back.

Me: "Who is 50 years old."

Him: "Who?"

Me: "Yes!"

Him: "Yes?"

Me: "No, The Who. Yes has been together for only 46 years."

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/air478
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2014
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