I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchipelagoMind
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

β€˜Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ’€πŸ’€β˜ οΈβ˜ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
She got what I wanted.

My wife wanted to introduce a Vibrator into our relationship. I bought a vintage Harley-Davidson...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wileyc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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What puns can I tell when I want to tell my friends I got a boyfriend?
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reginanine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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As a secret agent, my kids never know what I got them for Christmas..

I always keep the presents under wraps.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EMOmosie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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My friend got married so I wrote her a poem regarding what she meant to me...

I ode her that much.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!

It was a relief

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Gray_Area
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?

Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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When I was in school I got asked, "What is 3000 converted into Roman Numerals ?"

I replied, "Mmm...."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the road. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. β€œHow do you know if the dog was dead?” She asked the boy. β€œI know because I pissed in his ear.” The teacher looked horrified. β€œWhat do you mean you pissed in his ear??”

β€˜I went up to him and went β€œPssstt!” in his ear and he didn’t move.’

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Commment
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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I got into an argument with a friend about what the best medieval weapon was. I said the Warhammer, he said the Mace. It got so heated we are currently not speaking to each other...

Talk about blunt force drama.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UltimaBahamut93
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

I grimaced, "We haven't got a son."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.

A Christmas stalking.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.

Boy, was my face red!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.

Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I stubbed my toe and got scolded by my parents for yelling β€œWhat the duck”

They were angry that I used fowl language

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inceptionisim
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I made this joke on my old account but I got a new phone so ima say it again... What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?

An artificial Swedener

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/good_old_jrmint
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, β€œOh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”

I told him, β€œTurn right at the next corner.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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I'm a primary school teacher and one of my kids got me in the lols with this one today... what's a witch's favorite subject?

Spelling

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I got into a huge argument with my wife over what kind of bread to order at the Indian restaurant

But it turned out to be a naan issue

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PreviousWater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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1 boy was named trouble and the other was called shutup. One day trouble got lost so shutup went to the police station and said β€˜I lost my brother’. The police said β€˜what is your name’ β€˜shutup’ the police said β€˜what did you say to me’ β€˜shutup’. The police said β€˜are you looking for trouble’ β€˜yep’
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meme-for-me
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad came into the living room asking what I was watching on tv, after I told him he got mad and left.

I guess I’ll talk to him after I finish watching boomerang

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jareza
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?

H2Oww

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JayBoy1879
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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I’ve just got a job with a company what makes bicycle wheels

I’m their new spokesperson

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My son learned about radioactive decay in chemistry class, he was real excited when he got home and had a million questions. He wanted to build a reactor in the back yard. I told him we couldn’t. β€œWhat, are you not smart enough?”

β€œNo U”

I’ll see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 176
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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I was at a sandwich restaurant once. I got a meat and cheese sandwich, and when the waiter asked me what kind of meat I wanted, I pointed to his knee. He didn't know what I meant, so I left.

I guess he did understand that I wanted bologna.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
For their 50th anniversary, my parents went on vacation, but unfortunately, my dad got really ill. When they got back, I asked, "Dad, what made you so sick in Hawaii?" He laughed and said...

"Poi, son."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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Today I saw some dudes in a line in the Street. I couldn't see what they were queueing for, so I got in line. When I got in front, some buff guy punched me in the face.

And I gotta say, this punchline I got into really surprised me.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewIsCoolio
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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Student: What’s infinity? Math Teacher: Think of a number. Student: Okay, I’ve got one.

Math Teacher: Good! That's not it

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paladium9999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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After I got a new leather messenger bag, my Dad asked "Do you know what the number 1 use of cow hide is?"

"Holding cows together"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Battle_Claiborne
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad and I were building a storage shed. His pocket starts to beep until I got annoyed. I said β€œDad, what is that beeping? Turn it off!”

He pulls out a handheld plastic device and says β€œSorry kiddo, I left my Stud Finder on.”

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrOddYazz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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My buddy rode up to me on his new bicycle. He says "look what I got for my wife".....

I replied, "nice trade"

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigdotbob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My 4 year old daughter got me today when I asked what she wanted for dinner

Me: what do you want for dinner?

Olivia: Pigs N a blanket

Me: ok, we can do that

Olivia: well you'd better go to a farm to get a pig!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/every1listentome
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
DAD: Fifty years ago I had nothing, but I got to sleep with a hot 23 year old girl every night. Now we have a large house and a nice car, but I'm sleeping with an old woman. What happened?

MOM: Go find yourself a hot 23 year old girl and I'll make sure you'll once again have nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I was running late getting the kids ready this morning. We finally got downstairs and I yell for my daughter. "Oh no sweetie! Look at what happened! Who peed on the counter!?"

https://imgur.com/a/vYT7ZBx

She's 3. "Dad...that's...a pea. Not...pee."

"That's what I said. Pea!'

ΰ² ΰ²Ώ_ΰ² 

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soomuchcoffee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I also got this from my son. ”What do you call a shemale that’s late to a party?”

Translate

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swetiger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar looking depressed. Bar tender asks whats wrong? Man says its his 50th wedding anniversary. And that when he was a teenager he got his girl friend pregnant. And to make it worse the father was a Judge and he told me if i did'nt marry his daughter i would go to Jail for 50 year

Today I could be a free man !

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I got asked what I like about my sister-in-law

She recently got married and took the last name of her husband, which happened to be "Kind".

At the wedding party, I got asked what I like most about my sister-in-law.

My answer: "I really appreciate the marriage, because no matter how much I annoy her now, she won't get mad. She'll always be Kind."

The look on her face said: she did not see that coming. She was annoyed.

...but remained kind.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Buff_Tucker_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I got a new job in the airport checking what people are bringing into the country from their holidays...

I'm slowly getting accustoms to it

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazzyTheLemon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife got a dog with no legs from a shelter and asked what I wanted to name him

I said it doesn’t matter what we call him, he’s not gonna come to us

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mackaygeorge
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "

I said "It's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?

I said β€œIt’s pasture bedtime”.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report

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