Weird Oh's Puns

Me: signs document

Banker: "Oh, sorry, you also have to swear to the information on this paper"

Me: "Well, that's kinda weird."

Banker: "Yeah, since this is a sworn document, you have to swear. It's weird, I know."

holds up piece of paper and makes a concentrated face

"Fuck!"

Ryan: Are you Finnished yet?

Dave: No, but you bet I’m Russian to fix it! Israelly confusing. Kenya help me out?

R: Sure.

Car makes weird sound

R: Guatemala with the car?

D: I’m Czeching it out, and it seems like something’s wrong with a piston or two. You got any ideas, because Iran out. What a Spain. Oh well, let’s put some elbow Greece and try to finish it by tonight.

R: I hope so. Damn, tonight is a Chile one.

D: Yep, and it’s definitely China distract me.

R: I’m kinda Hungary, I want Togo buy a sandwich or two.

Later

R: Oman, it’s already 9 Pm, there’s Norway that we can fix it by tonight.

D: That’s what we are Guinea find out.

R: I will Taiwan more way to speed things up, but it’s pretty risky.

D: Well, we somehow Ghana find out. 10:30 Pm

R: Ok, Tur the Key!

Car turns on

D: Yes! The Caribb is ean! Uganda be kidding me! I can’t Bolivia did it!

R: Hey, I can’t Belize it either!

I was playing Overwatch with my friend. After a round ended, I saw that I had gotten 2222 exp. The conversation went like this:

"Oh weird, I got 2222 (said two-two-two-two out loud) experience that round."

"Really? So did I"

"Wait, seriously? Four twos?"

"Yep"

"Wow, how fortuitous"

Today I received a call from so weird ass number. "Hello Mr. Humblestudmuffin, we would like to ask you to participate in a brief survey about the current general election."

"Oh, I only wear boxers. Have a good night!"

click

(she's working on a project that involves a fake plastic fish)

me: Isn't it weird that you don't see obese fish?

her: Yeah but that's because they just keep growing bigger.

me: Oh, I thought it was because they all have scales

Someone said "oh they have satin sheets!" I said "that's weird, who sat in them?" And got that look we all love.

Me: "Whats this weird old tool".

Grandpa: "Oh, hell, be really careful with that. I have a friend that would pay 500 dollars just to see that tool in action."

Me: (Suddenly excited/intrigued) "Really?!? Why is that?" Grandpa: "Because... He's... Blind (chuckles)".

I still have no clue what the tool is/does...

and were walking up stairs to go to bed, when this exchange took place:

GF: "Whoa, there's a tv remote all the way over here on the stairs, isn't that weird?"

Me: "Meh, I've seen stranger things."

GF: "Oh my god, STOP!" it got an eye roll and chuckle out of her though.

Oh, it's 4:05. Weird, I couldn't find it a minute ago.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

Playing soccer with my 8 year old brother (I'm sortve like an uncle to him) when he then says his eye is hurting.

Me: Really are you okay?

Him: Yeah it's alright. It happens sometimes when I'm reading and i can't make out the words.

Me: (thinking he may have dyslexia) Oh really, what happens to the words when you try to read them?

Him: I can't read them. Sometimes words just moosh together, like "they" and "are" become one word, it's weird.

Me: Maybe you just have conjunctivitis!

XD

(Then had to explain what "conjunctivitis" and a "conjunction" is - still a win in my books)

Me: "Are you looking for something special today?"

Customer: "Not really, we're about to change all the windows in our house so I can't really afford anything right now."

Me: "Oh, so you're just window shopping, then."

Got a confused "eheh, yeaa" and a weird look but it was worth it.

Dad is in town. He was watching me make breakfast after I worked out this morning:

[Dagnythedoodle pours flaxmeal into yogurt and mixes]

Dad- What's that you're putting in there?

DTD- Its flaxmeal! I like it cause it tastes nutty and makes my poops really great.

Dad- Oh, that's weird. I dont ever taste poops unless I have to. Even if they're really great.

Edit: Format.words.

Some out of town relatives were in, so my family went to our grandparents house where they were staying. My parents were telling everyone about their Alaskan cruise they had just gotten back from:

Relative: How was the weather? It was freezing when I went.

Mother: It was actually quite nice. No rain at all. I remember when we were in Juneau I searched for the city on my weather app and got Juneau, Wisconsin and Juneau, Arkansas or something. I was like 'there's other cities named Juneau?' Isn't that weird?

Granddad: Oh yeah! Didn't Juneau?

[And no one heard but me]

About a week before this, I had my dad and stepmom proofread an essay of mine.

Me: "So I got a C+ on that paper from last week. Apparently my formatting was weird and I didn't make it 'digestible' enough for the readers."

Dad: "Oh wow, I suppose that's my fault. I didn't know we were supposed to eat it."

A bit of context: my sister just got home tonight from visiting family for new year. One of my cousins that she was visiting is pregnant, and she's been seeing the father for about a year but because they live a 6hour drive away, we've dont really know much about him.

My dad is pretty close with my cousins, so he was asking my sister about the guy and his family.

Dad: So, does he have any brothers or sisters?

My sister: Yeah, he's got a brother.

Dad: Oh, what's his name?

My sister: Mark, I think

Dad: That's a weird name, MarkIthink...

My friend got a new car and we were riding in it.

Me "what year is it?"

Him "2005"

Me "oh that's weird, I thought it was 2014"

Daughter and I were sitting in McDonald's and "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars comes on.

I said "This song is kind of weird."

She said "Why do you say that?"

I said "It sounds like it's from Mars."

She brightens, thinking she's got me: "It IS fr-- Oh why do I fall for it!?"

I text a picture of our new American Bulldog to my dad.

Dad: Where are his legs?
Me: He's sitting down and it's a weird angle!!
Dad: Oh good I was thinking he would be hard to walk.