Hello… This is my first post here and I really wish I had discovered this sub sooner. It seems like an incredibly helpful and supportive sub! I’ll try to make a very long story somewhat short, but…
My fiancé and I got engaged last October. In early December, we decided that we couldn’t wait to be married and wanted to get married Halloween 2021 (our favorite holiday). I had tried calling my mom the night we made the decision to tell her the happy news that the wedding would be sooner than originally planned, but she didn’t answer the phone that night. The next morning, I got the worst news of my life that my mom had died suddenly of a heart attack while getting ready for work. I’ve been destroyed ever since. She was my absolute best friend and the most kind and loving mother. I considered her my partner in crime and we had so much adoration for one another. She understood me like no one else on earth. I was on disability for 2 months because my grief was absolutely unbearable. Right after she passed, I told everyone that there was no way I could still get married in 2021. Then in February, I reconsidered for 2 reasons. #1 – I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else that I love not being at my wedding… my wonderful grandmother, my beloved dog who is getting up there in years, etc. #2 – I was extremely depressed and felt like planning a wedding would give me something positive to focus on, and a joyous day to look forward to. We went ahead and booked our favorite venue and caterer for October 30th, 2021.
Since booking everything, it has been very difficult for me to get motivated to plan. I’ve planned so sporadically that now, 23 days out, there is still SO much to do. It’s so upsetting because I consider myself a creative person and had such an amazing vision for my wedding, but now it’s too late to prepare everything that I’d dreamed of. I had tried so hard to stay motivated, but my grief has overshadowed any drive I should have had the past few months. I’ve tried everything – I’m on meds for depression and anxiety, attending grief therapy weekly, attending group therapy, attending EMDR sessions, trying to meditate, having reiki done on me… all of this has only eased the pain by a tiny fraction. My hair is falling out in clumps (I even have bald spots now, not yet visible unless I pull my hair up). My stomach is constantly in knots. I’m sick over how much more my fiancé and I have left to do. I naïvely thought the planning process would be a welcomed
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The last couple months have been kind of intense with my BPD mom. I posted here a few years back, (just incase I need to re-up my kitten tax, drawing of my cat attached!) and have had my ups and downs with her. Right now I'd definitely say I'm on a down that feels especially bad because my wedding is coming up! Yowza! We're low contact, and communicate mostly only through text. Phone calls feels difficult to control and spiral way harder. I've found that little text contact works for me.
I feel like I'm in a fog and confused about what I should do. The last year or two have actually felt semi-productive. She's a hermit / waif and we actually agreed to meet midway for a weekend trip to see each other. Little things like that have felt like insane miles of progress. I am wearing her wedding dress for my wedding (my choice, it was also my grandma's so I'd be the third generation in it. It's full lace and it's just amazing) and that felt like a big milestone. We took that in together for alterations. Little glimpses of, she's not perfect, but damn I think she's trying.
We have bumps along the road, of course. She sends The long text messages with the "i love you very much but its too painful to have you in my life! have a good life good bye forever" probably once every month or so. I feel like I've been pretty good at just sort of letting it bounce off of me, the "best way to play the game is not to play" and not spiraling with her. But of course its tiring, especially now with the wedding coming up in 4 months.
So this particular down.... starting like 3 weeks ago she started telling me that she was considering buying a new car. I specifically wasn't reacting /responding to it, because it was giving me so much anxiety to think about it. A year or two ago she discharged over 100K in debt, hasn't been able to keep a job for 90 days and has a shopping problem. So needless to say this is trigger for me. And she kept telling me about her thinking about doing it, until she finally said: I'm at the car dealership looking at cars! I'm sad because I feel totally baited and I fell for it. I felt like it was my last chance to throw my two cents in and say hey I don't think this is a good idea! Of course she wasn't doing a trade in for equal value or something only slightly more expensive, like a bargain, it was going to be for 13k more.
So this snowballed into a worse and worse conversation. It brought out a lot of painful memories that I hadn't really even been
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Yeet we getting close to her tieing the knot. We see our heroine in Bermuda being a "curvey bride" (like just be a bride) getting licked by friends and ordering all the food. Her bachelorette party is all the basic dream I could have wanted. Sashes. Wigs. White girl shenanigan's.
Thriving.
I love making lists/charts/countdowns. I'm looking for at home exercise series focusing on abs, arms, legs. Does anyone recommend any in particular from Youtube or Instagram? I want to combine what I find and create a realistic, 15-30 minutes a day workout challenge to keep myself accountable. I already have a few from Lauren Gliesberg, but would love to hear what's working for you ladies! Hoping to lose 10-15 lbs in 2.5 months, or at least tone up more...wish me luck.
Anyone else struggling with this? Any advice on getting it together?? I feel like Covid ruined my motivation and I’m really having a hard time getting it back, and I don’t know what to do.
