I saw a Japanese martial artist I know, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He's confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OfficialChairleader
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Background: I took my Mom to see my Dad who has advanced dementia. We were watching the Phillies game in TV.

Dad: It sure is a nice day for a baseball game.

Mom: Tomorrow it will be too

Dad: Oh, itโ€™s a doubleheader?

Mom and me: ๐Ÿค”

Dad: Wry smile

Me: Dad, you still got it

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Canisteo99
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My son asked me if we can watch the Origami National Championships on TV...

I replied, โ€œI donโ€™t think we can do that.โ€

My son asked, โ€œWhy not?โ€

โ€œBecause itโ€™s paper view...โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/louie_kc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
NRL player breaks arm live on TV. Host responds by stating "We're going to go to a break" youtube.com/watch?v=4BVjvโ€ฆ
๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gmc_doddy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Being a female client centered restaurant without a TV, this is the chalkboard that we have up today.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 35
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/aoisenshi
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
After the TV-show-taping we were instructed to leave our seat only when the Page called us...

I told him: "you're alright in my book!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/countgeorge
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Dad got me while we were watching an America concert on TV.

Dad: Did you know they hired a bunch of new producers and bought an $8,000.00 sound system for this show.

Me: No why did they do that?

Dad: They are trying to make America great again.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JJtheGnome
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
At my office we have TVs that play the news all day

Walking past one of them I saw a headline that read: Delta employee charged with smuggling loaded guns onto passenger planes." I pointed it out to a co-worker and said "Oh man, I hope he doesn't get bail. He's obviously a flight risk."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TeaShirt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Whenever we watch sports on TV

The officials make a bad call

Dad: I could see that was wrong from here and I'm 1000 miles away!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mdk12
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My girlfriend says I'm ready to be a Dad

I was watching TV with my hispanic girlfriend and on the show we were watching a guy gave a girl a danish (little pastry with fruit). My girlfriend said that while it looked pretty tasty and good, she's not much of a Danish person and I said, "Well, probably because you're hispanic.."

I immediately texted my dad the joke as well.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gerbil2013
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
ALWAYS read the label!

Jake returns home after a long days work, finds the cupboards bare and thinks "that's strange we went shopping this week". He goes to the garbage can to find jars of peanut butter, yogurt, pill bottles, assorted food they've just bought discarded. He asks "Honey why is all the food in the garbage?" he finds her watching TV in the living room she says "Roger is dead", stunned he runs to the backyard to find their pet seal dead. He runs inside shocked and says "wow that's terrible, but why did you throw out all the food?!" she replies "They containers all said DO NOT USE IF SEAL IS BROKEN".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ph00p
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/capitolpuns
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 35
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Just got my daughter

My four year old was watching a Disney movie while I was in the kitchen. The app we use for Disney on the tv is horribly unreliable (Disney life on amazon firestick), randomly freezing or restarting whatever we're watching.

Anyway, I'm scoffing a cake I don't want her to have when I hear a shout.

"Daddy, the film is frozen."

I go through, look at the TV and tell her "No it's not, that's Moana."

I think it's the first time she's both gotten one of my jokes and appreciated how crap it is. Her eye roll and "ugh" brought a tear to my eye.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 158
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/makka-pakka
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 41
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad had a stroke today and made a joke in the hostpital.

So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!"

My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MisterScrewUp
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Surprise dad joke from my wife

I will preface this by saying I work in IT.

The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was โ€œyouโ€™ve got to sit down your dadโ€™s not a glassmakerโ€

My wifeโ€™s response was โ€œbut he does work with Windowsโ€

I am a proud husband.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 71
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mrmatt1877
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A blonde woman walks past a store window....

A blonde woman walks past a store window. She sees a sign that says "we do not sell to blondes" in the window, but goes in anyways.

She finds an employee and points at a TV and says "I want that TV!". But the employee says "sorry ma'am, we don't sell to blondes."

She decides to go home and try again the next day. She dyes her hair and puts on different clothes. She walks in, finds an employee, points at a TV and says "I want that TV!". But again, the employee says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't sell to blondes."

The woman is now very angry. She goes home to try a third time. She cuts her hair, dyed it again, puts on makeup and new clothes, and tries again the next day.

She walks in and finds another employee, points at the TV, and says "I want that TV!". But for a third time, the employee says "ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't sell to blondes."

At this point the woman is furious. She exclaims, "How did you know I was I blonde?"

The employee calmly answers, "Ma'am, that's a microwave."

((My dad told me this one.))

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ElsaFrozen2013
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
GF's been feeling friskier now that her period's ending...

My GF and I have both been tired every night since we just finished moving our house. She was also on her period, so our frisky time has been cut down. She asked me last night to feel free to be more promiscuous with her, now that her period is ending.

Today we were putting a new TV stand together. She held the TV as a I maneuvered the screwdriver. I stopped and told her "Hey, you got your wish, we're screwing on the bed!"

I will not be screwing on the bed tonight after that.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 369
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rasalom
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Rocked this one while waiting for number to be called at DMV

Son's taking permit test today and while waiting to be called we watched some "interesting" facts they put on the tv screen.

Son points out, hey dad look Nevada's official state rock is Sandstone.

Me: I feel they could have made a boulder choice.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SFAQL
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So we came home yesterday only to find that someone broke into our house...

Looking around, it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot.

Our TV was still there, the kids PS4, and legos were fine.

But the house was dark, even when we tried to turn on the lights.

Seems the only thing that was taken were our light bulbs and a couple lamps...we were delighted.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 208
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

โ€ฆ u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Skormes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, youโ€™re allowed to watch the TV all you wantโ€ฆ Just donโ€™t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why donโ€™t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I donโ€™t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that societyโ€™s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didnโ€™t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasnโ€™t offered a job? They just couldnโ€™t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteriesโ€ฆ Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rivalโ€™s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. โ€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?โ€ But this god, like all gods, is nothingโ€”just my sonโ€™s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vorschlaghammer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What time is it?

At home, my brother and I play Xbox on a tv that's held within a cabinet which we open the doors to display the tv.

We were playing FIFA Fottball/Soccer the other day and my dad walked in, and in order to get by he had to close one of the doors. Then as he was leaving, he forgot to open it again, a so we could only see half of the tv.

We asked him to open the door, and instead of opening it, he kept walking and said, I guess it's half time.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 491
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/legitwantdis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My girlfriend unknowingly dad joked me

We were watching TV when she said her back was sore and the conversation went like this:

Her: My back is bothering me a little.

Me: Do you want an aleve?

Her: I mean I guess if you don't want me to stay.....

I was confused for a second till I realized what she thought I said.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 196
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hooks_And_Needles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The funniest thing my dad has said

My dad and I were watching tv one night and the screen suddenly goes black. After watching the blank screen for a good 10 seconds, he finally breaks the silence by saying "If anyone were to peer in at us right now, they'd think we're insane."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 280
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fishbiscuit47
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Steak and Shrimp

Late at night is a terrible time to show succulent steak and shrimp advertisements, especially when you are on a diet. As one came on the TV, I swiftly turned it off.

โ€œWhat are you doing?!โ€ My wife asked.

โ€œWe shouldnโ€™t watch that. Itโ€™s prawn-ography.โ€

๐Ÿ˜

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/coastin32
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites.
  • What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

  • If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

  • Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

  • I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

  • Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

  • I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

  • Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

  • I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

  • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

  • I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

  • Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

  • Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

  • Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

  • When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

  • I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

  • Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

  • Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

  • I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

  • Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

  • Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

  • Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

  • Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

  • I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

  • So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

  • When you get an infection, urine trouble.

  • "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

  • How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

  • Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

  • Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

  • What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 264
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WhenIm6TFour
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.


Whereโ€™s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history โ€“ with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


If it werenโ€™t for C, weโ€™d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who donโ€™t.


In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks โ€œmay I join you?โ€


Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraftโ€ฆ and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Itโ€™s a hardware problem.


I named my hard drive โ€œdat assโ€ so once a month my computer asks if I want to โ€˜back dat ass upโ€™.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as sheโ€™s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


I changed my password to โ€œincorrectโ€. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say โ€œYour password is incorrectโ€.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


Itโ€™s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didnโ€™t know who he was.


I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didnโ€™t have internet.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad just did this...

My mom and I were in our living room watching TV. My dad was in the kitchen by himself. Suddenly we hear a yell from the kitchen and go running in to see my dad with a bloody paper towel around his finger...

Me: What happened!?

Dad: I cut my finger!

Mom: How!?

Dad: I wanted some cheese and crackers so I reached into the cheese drawer and I cut my hand.

Me: How did the cheese drawer cut your hand?

Dad: It didn't. I sliced it on the block of extra sharp cheddar!

Dad bursts out laughing

He then removed the paper towel to reveal his unharmed finger. He had dyed the paper towel with food coloring.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 163
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pbs094
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"No, that's..."

My dad used to play a game with me and my brother that was, in effect, an extended dad joke.

The "beginner" version, when I was younger, was when I would be talking about something, my dad would intentionally misinterpret it so that we could correct him. The objective being to keep up the misinterpretation in as long of a chain as possible.

Me: "Dad! Top Gun is on TV!"

Dad: "Doesn't that movie have that whiny folk singer on the radio in it?"

Me: "...No, dad, that's Tom Petty, not Tom Cruise."

Dad: "Oh, I thought he was Rosanne Barr's husband?"

Me: "No, dad, that's Tom Arnold, not Tom Petty."

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..."

Later, once I figured it out, we moved to "advanced mode", where we skip the "correction" and just prove that you catch the reference by making another error in response.

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..." (Arnold Palmer)

Me: "...wait, I thought that was the victim in Twin Peaks?" (Laura Palmer)

Dad: "...no, you're thinking of the lady who was the actress in Jurassic Park." (Laura Dern)

And so on. Did anyone else's dad's do something like this? Or any current dads? I currently play a version of this with my wife where she'll put on the radio and I'll intentionally misinterpret the artist. (Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody is playing, I comment to the effect of "God, I love Styx. Such a great song.")

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Boyfriends dad last night...

We were leaving his parents' house, but I was pausing in the doorway to watch the last 30 seconds of a scene that was on TV.

Bf - Well, are you coming?

Me - Yeah, just a sec, this scene is intense.

Bf's Dad - I DONT SEE ANY TENTS.

We exit.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 270
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/catherinehavok
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
While watching USA vs Argentina

My dad: Are we playing the Pirates?

Me: What???

My dad: Are we playing the Pirates? motions to the tv It says ARG.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jakey_bear
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: โ€œHey, weโ€™ve got a whisky named after you.โ€ The horse replies: โ€œWhat, George?โ€


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. โ€œEveninโ€™โ€ says the barman, โ€œwhy the long face?โ€


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: โ€œWait you canโ€™t come in here without a tie.โ€The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: โ€œThis alright?โ€ The barman says: โ€œHmm, okโ€ฆ but donโ€™t be starting anything.โ€


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: โ€œI shouldnโ€™t really be drinking this with what Iโ€™ve got?โ€ โ€œWhy, what have you got?โ€ โ€œAbout ยฃ2 and a carrot.โ€


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside Whatโ€™s a horseโ€™s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,โ€ he asks The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sir,โ€ says the barman. โ€œWe donโ€™t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. โ€œExcuse me, good sir,โ€ the horse says, โ€œare you hiring?โ€ The manager looks the horse up and down and says, โ€œSorry, pal. Why donโ€™t you try the circus?โ€ The horse nickers. โ€œWhy would the circus need a bartender?โ€


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? โ€œIโ€™ve fallen and I canโ€™t giddyup!โ€


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horseโ€™s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? Iโ€™ve fallen and I canโ€™t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got dadjoked by a co-worker today...

So we were having a discussion about a TV show we'd both watched recently, debating meanings...

Me: Look, you must admit--

Him: Don't call me a mustard mitt

I couldn't stop laughing.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Almarrio
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I also got dadjoked by my son this week. Twice. He's 12.

1st - "Hey dad, how come nobody can come up with a good, stable news channel on tv?"

"What do you mean?"

"Every one you watch say their news is breaking!"


2nd - We were having dinner and my 15 year old mentioned that something or other 'really sucked!'

The 12 year old responded with "not really, that doesn't really suck, you know what does?"

... silence

"A vacuum cleaner, that really sucks!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 37
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FerretFarm
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Making an appointment to get my dad's ears cleaned...

Receptionist: We don't have anything until October 6^th , but if he wants to go to our other office at [pretty far away], he can come in this Wednesday.

Me: Yeah, better do that. The TV's getting pretty loud.

Receptionist: Oh I hear ya

Me: Well he can't

๐Ÿ‘︎ 57
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jimbeam958
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 22 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad got me...

So we were picking something from the TV guide after we'd finished watching a film and say to my dad, cause there was nothing good to put on, "Well? Well? WELL?" And the bastard replies, "A large hole, with water at the bottom." I tried so hard not to laugh, but he got me and it was pretty funny, unfortunately.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rango18
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My boss today at work

We were sitting together on the couch at work watching TV and the movie said "Fire at will!"

My boss "Yeah, but which one is will?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Not_In_Canada
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 23 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got my wife good last night

We were cuddling in our bed watching some tv and just hanging out before we shut our eyes for bed. She had her head on my chest and leg across my legs and that's when I told her...

Me: "Babe, do you like cuddling?" Her: "Yes of course, why?" Me: "I guess I make a good... body pillow."

She instantly pushed me away while groaning, totally worth it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TEMPLEWORKER
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 06 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad just said this after an exchange between my mom and sister.

Earlier my family was having a conversation about all the movies based on comic books that have been coming out. Later we were watching tv when a trailer for Exodus came on and this exchange happened.

Sister, "See it's not all comic book movies, some are based on the bible too."

Dad chimes in, "The world's first comic book."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 57
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thrudge
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad has pulled this on me for 21 years and counting.

(We are watching sports or he flips the tv to a sporting game)

Me: Hey Dad who's winning?

Dad: Team with the most points (huehuehuehue)

Me: (sigh) yeah, nice Dad. Who has the most points then?

Dad: The team that's winning. (Huehuehuehue)

Me: forget it.

Love you pops.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 131
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/UM4DBRO
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My girlfriend loves me, I swear.

We've been watching the Flash, which is awful TV at its finest. You'd expect anyone to watch this to enjoy some good punnery, but that's not the case. I texted this to my girlfriend and got a condescending "Oh, honey..." in response.

My text: "If someone sculpted Barry Allen out of clay, you could call him Adobe Flash."

I swear she loves me but I don't always know why.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/poorloko
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 28 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got one in on the gf yesterday.

We were watching TV and this Mercedes ad comes on and says something along the lines of "900 miles between fill-ups" or something outrageous like that. I got the classic grin and said "Huh, I thought Phillip was a more common name than that."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/averagemammoth
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.