We rushed my pregnant wife to hospital last night. She could feel contractions and with everyone ahe was singing "unbreak my heeearrt"
Turns out it was just Toni Braxton Hicks
I told my wife we could get a new pet, but only if she let me put a flannel shirt on our cat.
I always wanted a plaid-a-puss.
Inspired by the Winter Olympics, I decided to try curling. We don’t live near an ice rink so I thought we could use polished mirrors instead but that didn’t work.
Those with glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
My wife told me that we needed to talk. She absolutely could not stand my dad jokes anymore.
I asked her to grab a chair.
My friend asked me if we could turn subtitles on during SpongeBob.
I told him "eye eye caption."
So we bought tickets to win a dream home. I was commenting how odd it would be having a balcony and joked she could stand on it an I would quote Shakespeare to her..
"Bubble bubble toil and trouble"...
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight”
I told her “we already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
When we were in college, my roommates and I could afford to pay the electric bill for a month.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
If we have the show "X-Files", Chris Hanson's "To Catch a Predator" could be called "Pedo-Files".
Could we have seen this coming?
At the start of the softball game, the other team asked if we could slow down the pitches. Things went downhill from there.
That was just the beg-inning.
My friend asked me if we could end lunch after I was done my sandwich. I took one more bite and then said...
"Actually, that's a wrap!"
Every time we asked our dad if we could have pets, he refused.
He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.”
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”...
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!”
We could rename Generation Z "QuaranTeens."
Talking with my brother: “Hey remember when we would see how far we could jump off the staircase?”
“That just sounds like leaping off ledges with extra steps”
I started a band but we could never make it to a Gig.
What was the band name? 1023MB.
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
We gave my Dad a birthday card that said he could party till the cows come home.
He said he utter-ly loved it!!
What if we could unlock ...
... the other 98% of milk?
My name is Jay and we are an Icelandish family. My wife and I could never come up with a name for our son.
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we are having for dinner tonight
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
If there were a study exploring the pornography preference of people in each country, we could finally see what this world is coming to.
The fact that everything we see in monitors is made up of only red, green and blue is amazing. I suppose you could say...
Told my suitcase we could not go on vacation this year
As I'm looking at my empty suitcase I thought it looked sad...
Then I thought "great... Now I have emotional baggage!"
You know, we probably could have stopped Coronavirus if we took action last year...
Oh well. You know what they say, hindsight is 2020!
We were at the library when my mate asked "Hey, could I borrow your book mark?"
I got mad and walked out. After 3 years of being college flatmates, he doesn't even know my name is Tom.
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."
"And he won?" I asked.
"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"
I wanted to rearrange everything in our kitchen so we could locate everything without having to think about it.
But that might be too counter intuitive.
A pod of porpoises moved into the harbor near my town. So, me and my friends decided to go camping on the beach to check it out. We brought beer for us and some raw fish to feed the pod. Everybody had a great time. You could say it was a party
for all in tents and porpoises.
I asked me dad if we could go to the Middle East.
My son asked if we could wake up and watch the sunrise
I told him no, but he can watch the dadsleep instead
I told my dad GoPro was coming out with a cheap less advanced camera so we could afford it...
his reply: what are they calling it, go amateur?
My son wants another dog and asked me if we could get a Great Dane.
I said, "I'm not sure we could handle that. How about we get a Good Dane instead?"
Wish we all could agree to what Drumph has to say.
You could at we’re all biased
You could SAY we’re all biased
After all, it’s better having 2 asses than a single one with a crack down the middle.
Edit: realized the typo and then realized you can’t edit the title
My friend asked if we could see the bay while we were in Virginia
I told him he could have Chesapeake of it.
My son asked if we could go to the fair this weekend. I said “the short answer is yes”...
but the shorter answer is “no”.
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight.”
I told her “We already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
In college, my roommates and I were so poor that we could not afford to pay our electric bills.
Those were the darkest days of our lives.
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