Your cell phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock....

Don't let it replace your family.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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I cant watch my clock anymore!

The tik toks are so annoying...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker1155
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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I used to eat watches and clocks for every meal, but I had to stop.

It was too time consuming.

πŸ‘︎ 951
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bombsaway1083
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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I ate a clock and three wrist watches earlier

It was very time consuming

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luminouspotato
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A son walks up to his father and says "I finally watched that Documentary on that Swedish clock maker."

"We'll it's about time!"

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/permeable_boat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2016
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Was watching my dad fix a clock today.

Sitting around having a few beers for father's day. The hour hand had come loose from the clock on the back porch and he went about fixing it, like he does most things. Finished up surprisingly quickly so I asked if he was done.

Dad: "Only time will tell"

I laughed so good. His grin was priceless. He was so proud of himself.

Good day.

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/erktheerk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2016
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Dad Tells Time With His Hat

My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.

He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.

And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.

My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fredzred
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Finally, they are making a movie about clocks!

It's about time.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itslqb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2017
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They should replace batons with clocks in relay races

It would be a great way to pass the time

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EpicPunz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2017
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Wife: "Oh, wow. I didn't know there was a watch museum here. Why have we never been?"

Me: "I guess we've just never had the time."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurtleTurtleDuck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2016
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My girlfriend just dad joked me.

Her: I was thinking about making a belt out of watches.

Me: Oh yea? That would look really cool!

Her: Nah, I realised it'd be a waist of time.

Needless to say, she's a keeper (of time)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RadiatorSam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
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There's no reason to transfigure this pun!

Professor- Ok Class, I am your professor, McGonagall, and today I will be teaching you about the transfiguration spell, Now do any of you actually know of the spell?

(silence)

Professor- Well then, I'll just have to Show you.. now, the hand movements are precisely like... this(hand movement)!Now any volunteers.?

Me- Raises hand

Professor -Ok then, your task is to turn this bear into a.... Clock!

Me-Oh no! I can't Bear to watch!!!!!!!!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DonnAwesome
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Grandpa said this once

Grandpa: What should I get grandma for her birthday?

Me: A watch, can't go wrong with a watch.

Grandpa: Nah, there's a clock on the stove

πŸ‘︎ 227
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πŸ‘€︎ u/milkNcheetos
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2013
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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My Dad Should Have Been A Boy Scout

I don't know if this necessarily qualifies as a "dad joke" as much as a "dad move" but when I was younger, about 10 or 11, I was in the backyard with my dad on a summer afternoon. The sun was going down and I nonchalantly said, "I wonder what time it is..." He looked up towards the sun and pointed with his left hand, causing me to look with him. He answered, "Oh, about 5:36." I was in awe that he could be so exact but I still thought it was a guess, so I ran inside to check the clock in the kitchen. Sure enough, it read 5:36. I was amazed but my dad refused to tell me his secret. He just kept saying he just knew based on the sun, and that it was "magic", every time I asked.

I am now 24. And as I was sitting outside the other day, watching the sunset, I thought back to this, still amazed he did it. Then, it clicked. He was wearing a watch on his right wrist, which he looked at when he diverted my attention to looking at the sun. I hope to be like him one day...

tl;dr I thought my dad could tell time by looking at the sun. He looked at a watch when I wasn't looking.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ks64165n
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
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Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Every time

Someone: "What time is it?"

Dad (looking at watch, confused): "I don't know... it keeps changing."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Z3roSum0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
🚨︎ report

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