My daughter told me I shouldn't put taco sauce on my dinner because it wasn't a taco. I told her to call the taco police if it upset her so much. She asked what their phone number was.
I told her it was Nine-Juan-Juan.
it wasn't me who stole a sandwich from mcdonalds, it was my twin brother.
But I took the wrap for it!
My friend just told me a joke about Vincent Van Gogh, but it really wasn't funny.
Is there something I'm missing ear?
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
My friends got me dirt for my birthday, but I wasn't mad.
I appreciated the sediment.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
So I got a buddy of mine a new belt for his birthday. He's a real big guy so it wasn't cheap. Cost me $200 and didn't even fit.
Help! My wife said I farted even though I didn't. I insisted that it wasn't me but she keeps telling me that I farted and that it's gross.
I was at Disneyland when I ran into a very short man who told me he wasn't happy, so I asked him which one he was.
It turned out he was grumpy. And because I was so dopey, now I need a doc.
I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me.
He told me the steaks were too high.
I wasn't sure if my Australian optometrist was saying that I have good eyes or simply greeting me
He said "Good eye might."
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
My wife caught me drinking brake fluid this morning. She told me that wasn't good for me.
I told her it's okay, I can stop anytime.
Credit to @meetbuford on TikTok for this.
My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
A local Amish told me he wasn't against progress
As long as it doesn't involve change
My mom's new husband told me a joke about stairs that wasn't all that funny
I didn't relate to it.
Hey, I guess you could say it was a step dad joke.
On more than one level.
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.
No idea why the school hired him.
my five year old just told me that he wasn't finished his yawn...
... i told him his yawn was expired.
(sadly, he didn't get it)
It wasn't my computer's fault it was me, but the computer just wasn't working for me...
I decided to hit the reset button in "relationship."
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions, she laugh at me...
So I just right her left there.
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
Mom: "The line was too long, I wasn't going to wait" Me: "Well I have patience, something that you don't"
Dad: "She works at a doctor's office, of course she has patients"
I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.
I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.
So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!
I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"
"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"
I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.
But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....
Life is fun
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
I tried telling my friend some deer fun facts but he wasn't interested in listening to me.
I feel he isn't fawned of them.
My girlfriend just left me. She said I wasn't paying enough attention to her.
The invisible man told me something but I knew it wasn't true
I could see right through him
My friend asked me why I read so much Tolkien. I said it wasn't really a choice, rather...
Wasn't sure if my boss was a dad or not, until he hit me with this gold.
Coworker: You do know that those chips have ethanol in them right?
Boss: turns around and looks at me I GUESS THAT'S WHY I AM FULL OF GAS!
The beauty store told me their soap is 100% natural but I found out it wasn't
This one time when I was still a kid, my younger sister got very mad at me for making silly noises. To show our parents that her ensuing fit of anger wasn't as annoying as my goofing off, my sister said,
"Well at least I'm not walking around the house going "Hurgerbgehbh blurgeblegh blurgega, hurr dee hurr, derr!"
To which my dad said,
"Yes you are".
This is punning me punderground like punishment and the last word wasn't a pun either. More like a punchline. Punderstand?
Wasn't even my dad. Brother in laws dad got me good
We were all sitting on our back porch when a group or gaggle of geese flew by. We all said how weird it was that they fly like that. He said:
"Do you know why one side of the flying V is longer than the other?"
We all guessed a few things but no one actually knew. He grew that gay little old man smile on his face and said:
"Because there are more birds on that side"
What an evil man
A ghost just tried to tell me something that I knew wasn't true
My wife told me I wasn't very good at listening - that it was time to make some changes and she needed some distance.
So I bought her an alarm clock with a remote control.
When i turned 18 My dad gave me a BIG birthday gift, it wasn't that heavy - i opened it and saw an empty box.. "but dad, it's empty?"
"yes, you can start packing your stuff tommorow"
My mom told me her ex boyfriend wasn't very good in bed.
Some guys are just bad mother fuckers.
Someone once convinced me that gravity wasn't real.
I won't fall for it again.
I wasn't sure who this person was until they adopted me.
Then they became a parent.
One morning at work a few years ago, I wasn't paying attention to what Was going on around me and I suffered a serious industrial accident.
I worked right thru my coffee break !
My dad was giving me a hard time and I said I wasn't in denial
"That's right, you must be in da Mississippi"
It wasn't a joke at the time, but it makes me laugh now.
As toddlers/youngins whenever we'd fall down and start to cry, my dad would be like "OHMYGOSH HOLYCRAP oh NOOO!! The floor!!!? Did you hurt the floor???" And we'd be shocked into forgetting we'd just fallen (and gotten scared-hurt)
It was hilarious seeing younger siblings do this- to go from traumatized and in desperate pain to stunned in about half a second... guppy faces and wide eyes like- 'oh no! I'm not the victim here at all, am I?' Maybe you'd have to see it to understand. Surprisingly, it really did make everything stop hurting.
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me.
He told me the steaks were too high.
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