I was out on a safari when i saw this big, fat, grey animal limping painfully toward a muddy pond. I asked the tour guide if it was injured...

He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.

While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What happened to Guns 'n Roses' tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?

Its axle rose.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poobutt42069
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I took a group tour of a milk factory ...

While inside, I took a deep breath and said, "Ahh, nice dairy air!"

The woman next to me strongly disagreed. She didn't have to smack me though ...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kyle1775
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I went on a tour of an underwear factory once.

It wasn't very long so my time there was brief.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zafpedx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I were just touring the farmer’s market - she said one of the tables had some red hot chilli peppers, and asked if I wanted some.

I said, only if they’re givin’ β€˜em away, givin’ β€˜em away, givin’ β€˜em away now.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ARCdotcom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Our captain is a terrible tour guide

He’s always telling people to come on bored

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saucyminnow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Who is the official tour guide for the Vatican?

Cardinal Directions

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamesNBooks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Touring stand-ups keep getting covid.

I guess laughter isn’t the best medicine.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/javaxcore
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Post Malone has canceled his tour.

Does this now make him Postpone Malone?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConsumerOfAllToes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Stairwell Tour
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/morpheus_dreams
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to plan a tour of the worlds oldest library

Unfortunately it was fully booked

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Elon Musk just completed his SpaceX warp drive, and Blue Origin can't compete.

He's light-years ahead of the competition now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A robber breaks into a bank

When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing

β€œI c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”

Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.

Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.

Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, β€œHOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”

To which the thief replies, β€œYou let your guard down”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNewMadMan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the quickest stage of the Tour de France

No time Toulouse

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisispeculiar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
While taking a tour of a college campus, the tour guide mentioned that the school was surrounded by three different cemeteries.

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lind-zayy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Post Malone just suspended his tour

Guess that makes him postponed Malone

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mmoraxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.

My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I invited my guests to take a tour of my house

They asked me, "What's upstairs?" I replied," Unfortunately, stairs don't talk."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anay28
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The chief roadie for a touring band should be called its Gigs Bosun
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spelelo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to cancel a boat tour of a Norway cliff-wall sea inlet.

I couldn't afjord it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard Gwen Stephani is taking over for BlackStreet on their next Tour

.........Yup It's No Diggity. Instead No doubt.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mutatst
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Resurrection tour

I just read that Mariah Carey has been has been selected to play with Johnny Cash on his Resurrection Tour. There won't be an opening act, so it'll be only Cash n Carey.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chichm
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The Monkees are touring Switzerland and my wife threatened to leave me unless we flew out there to see them. I thought she was joking.......

Then I saw her face, Now we're in Geneva.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My financial advisor wants me to do the whole investor thing.

I bought the vest, any recommendations on a good tour I can take? So I can do my In Vest Tour

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stampeed13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...

Tour guide said β€œHello, my name is Eileen.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MobileBrowns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

πŸ‘︎ 258
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to buy the world's most haunted house. I toured it, but it seemed like a normal house...

Nothing jumped out at me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I drove around Lake Superior last Fall...

It had me fondly thinking back to the time years ago when my friend Mitchell and I toured four of the five Great Lakes one summer.

I wonder if I’ll ever see Mitch again?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/worldrider1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
The bands Kansas and Toto should tour together

It’s gonna be the β€œwhirlwind tour”

I’ll see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBungles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a holographic version of Pablo Escobar touring the world he tried to sell me a G, but I declined...

I knew it would just be a hollow gram.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Ghost tour
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ericopolis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can hire a guide to take you through the labyrinth in sixty seconds?

It's a minute tour.

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
U2 are touring in Australia, so I upgraded my GPS to Bono’s voice

Now the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Delliott90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My son got me while playing Mario Kart Tour....

I've been doing horrible in the current tour so I told him:

"I'm going to lose a few tiers after this tour"

Son - "You don't have to cry about it"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I hear the Knack is getting back together for a tour of the US!

Can't wait to hear My Corona played again!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If you can’t ski ...

You’ll never pass the Touring Test ...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afarro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
College Tour Dad Joke

Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building.

A mom asked β€œIs this Nursing school harder to get into than others?”

Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying β€œNah, the door’s not that heavy”

Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 411
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksplosiveness
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently did a tour of South Korea that included every city except the capital.

While I enjoyed it, I felt the trip had no Seoul.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TD_KingJason
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I took a tour of a jigsaw making factory.

The entire process was quite puzzling.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

πŸ‘︎ 340
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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