The other responded "Four shore!"
Joke
Joke
Joooooooooooooooke
You can never VTOL enough
1 Dimension
Cuz there are more birds on that side.
One of them pulls out some weed and asks his mate, "Wanna get medium."
I guess some little boy fell asleep.
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but Iβm 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, βConstipationβ? Well it doesnβt matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said βNo, doc, itβs dis knee.β
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donβt cause reactions, after all.
Whatβs the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why canβt you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donβt wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I canβt stop reading books with female protagonists! Iβm a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight⦠21.
My friend told me, βPeople who sell meat are disgusting!β So I said, βYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!β
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondβ¦ ionic bond. βTaken, not shared.β What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santaβs sleigh cost? $0, itβs on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
Iβm going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iβm outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatβs the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatβs just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit β‘'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.
These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.
It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.
Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos
Follow us too @thepunpodcast
One of my wife's bosses is from China with the family name Wong.
Wife was telling me that said boss just had a baby a few months ago.
(At this moment, my dad powers started kicking in...)
Me: "Huh, that's cool. When her husband visits the office next time, you should ask them if the baby's Caucasian."
Wife: "What?! Why?"
Me: Cause I wanna know if two 'Wongs' make a 'White'..."
Her eyes rolled so hard they detached.
Edit: Thanks for front page folks! Glad I could make you laugh (or groan...)
Edit 2: Thank you for the gold!
Edit 3: WIFE'S IN THE THREAD!! Abort! Abort! Wee woo wee woo wee woo
Me: You got the goods?
Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.
Me: My, what a steel!
Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?
Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.
Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?
Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--
Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?
Student: I got I got I got I got...
Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.
Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.
Me: Which other places?
Friend: The Galactic Empire.
Guy: I hate spam.
Me: I like sushi.
Me: I like sushi.
Me: I like sushi.
...
Someone: Son of a gun...
Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!
Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:
Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.
Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.
Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.
Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.
Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.
Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".
One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadnβt been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.
The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.
There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.
The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.
Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.
The octopus took it and stared for a bit.
After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.
This man paid his $50 and sat down.
The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.
The bartender said, βIβll bet $100 that the octopus canβt play these bagpipes.β
The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.
The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.
The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, βHurry up and start playing the thingβ
The octopus spewed, βPlay it?! I wanna marry her!"
We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"
"Sure. What game?"
"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."
Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that sheβll probably say "Birthday".
She was like, "Okay⦠B... B... BB..."
I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...
"Yes. Those are all words."
You little shit.
Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."
2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.
I work a cancer hospital and schedule patients for surgery and procedures and stuff. I had this one couple who I knew I would like as soon as they sat down. The first thing the man says to me βyou wanna hear a joke?β Me βah, of course!β ....a few moments of silence go by... dad βdid you hear about that actress? I think she played in miss congeniality? It was Reese something? She committed suicide.β Totally buying the story I go, βare you serious!? Reese Witherspoon!?β And with out a beat he says βNo, with a knife.β And I looked at him for a few seconds to comprehend the joke and then lost it! I know this is probably old but itβs a classic.
As I'm coming out of the shower and talking with my wife she tells me about the crack the dentist found and will need to be fixed. I remind her I've got one that they've been monitoring for a while too. I ask her "you wanna see my crack?"
Of course...I turn around and show her my bare ass....
She tried REALLY hard not to laugh at that.
My daughter and I just a few minutes ago. It was adorable, needless to say.
>Me: What do you wanna watch, horseys (MLP) or Elmo World (Sesame Street actually)?
>uh-huh
>Elmo World or horseys?
>uh-huh
>Elmo World?
>uh-huh
>or horseys?
>uh-huh
>Kiddo, you can only choose one!
>One! ^holds ^up ^one ^finger
So as the title said, I started training today for my new job and we had a huge meeting with all of the heads of the business and one of the heads gave everyone rocks that symbolized something or other.
I look at the rock, then at my two coworkers and say "Hey guys, do you wanna get stoned?" They groaned, as was expected, so I continued with, "Come on guys, don't be so rough on me. Making these puns was pretty hard."
My boss comes up and says "I think your puns rock".
The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.
The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.
The Duke of Dance: help.
Sans: I gotta write these down.
The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit
The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.
Sans: I find this humerus.
The Duke of Dance: damn
The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.
The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.
Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.
The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.
The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.
The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.
The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.
Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?
The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.
Sans: That was alright.
The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?
The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.
The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop
Sans: I'm having a pun time.
The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.
The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.
The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.
The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.
The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.
The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?
Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?
The Duke of Dance: Do
The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?
The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.
Sans: I don't see any arrows.
Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.
The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.
Sans: Have you any backbone?
The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.
The Duke of Dance: :3
Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER
The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?
The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.
The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.
Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.
The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again
... keep reading on reddit β‘My brother is at a hospital and sees a therapist regularly. He gets one phone call a day and it's my personal objective to get him to laugh every day.
Bro: I should probably get going, the therapist gave me some homework to do.
Me: Yeah, you don't wanna make her therapist off.
I got a good laugh from him.
...a wagon train was heading out west. Inside one of the wagons, a man lay on his deathbed with friends and family gathered 'round. He gestured to his best friend, who leaned down to hear what the dying man had to say.
"My friend," he whispered, "I'm not gonna make it, but I wanna be remembered. When you get to where you're going, I want you to name a town after me."
"You betcha," his friend says. "Anything for you, Al."
Then the man gestures to his best friend's son, who likewise leans down to hear the dying man's last words.
"Boy, make sure your old man keeps his promise to name a town after me."
The boy answers, "Yes, Sir, Mr. Buquerque."
We were sightseeing at Yellowstone and we asked a ranger for some recommendations on where to go.
"There's this really cool tall cliff called Poison Cliff nearby. You wanna know why it was given that name?"
...."because one drop will kill ya!"
The highlight of our time at Yellowstone.
As my dad and brother we're leaving to go fishing, I told him I was gonna practice my guitar while no one was home so I could just play without anyone hearing. Well...
"You wanna go fishing with us?"
"No I think I'll practice some guitar while you guys aren't here"
"Is that what they call it these days? Playing the guitar when nobody's here?"
...I wanna be in it
One of my old man's favorite one-liners
But Na, all the good ones Argon
Hahaha... I slapped my Neon that one! Do you wanna hear one about Potassium? No...?
K, I'll show myself out, then.
Don't wanna be Obama self. I'm just China to make you happy. Yes, my pun Israel. Norway I'm lying, Syria stuff. You guys Ghana have to Czech these puns. Okay, I think I will Finnish now. I think Alaska guy to help me out because Iβm Havana hard time. You have no India how long it took me to make these puns, but I hope they'll help Sweden your day because I Canada think of one anymore. Oman, I think Iran out of ideas Irish I can think of Samoa. I think my Bahrain canβt think of one anymore but Taiwan this to continue. I want Tibet that there are better things to do now. I Belize itβs time to put an end to these puns because Iβm Oslo getting Bordeaux this. African hate these puns I want Togo because I Amsterdam tired. Iβm Sudan with puns now.
Three bulls one large, one medium, and one small are out of grass in their pasture. The large bull looks over next to their pasture and sees another pasture with beautiful and lush grass, so he takes a few steps back and charges straight into the fence and breaks it! The large bull started eating.
The two smaller bulls come in too and start eating the new grass.
"Hey!" said the large bull, "I put in the effort to eat this grass, go find your own!"
So the medium bull finds another pasture right next to the ones they're in, then he charges at the fence and breaks it and starts eating in that pasture. So the small bull comes in and starts eating.
"Hey!" exclaimed the medium bull, who then continued on to give the same spiel that the large bull gave the two smaller bulls.
Then the small bull looks around, but doesn't see any new grass fields. However, he spots a fence that led to a road. So the small bull opens the gate and walks and walks and walks to find that pasture.
Wanna know the moral of the story? A little bull comes a long way.
i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.
him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.
me: that bad in the relationship, eh?
him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-
me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-
him: hey, wanna see my jugs?
me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"
Riding down the road with a co-worker, I happen to see a "Sale" flag next to a cemetery advertising a land auction.
Me: "Hey look, the cemetery's having a sale. Wanna pick up a few cold ones?"
Other dad: "That's a sale people are dying for."
Me: "They had to put up a fence to keep to keep them out."
Other dad: "They were really digging it. Doesn't look like they have any takers though."
Me: "I bet there were a few under-takers."
We laughed for the next mile.
He says to me "you ever see geese flying in that big V shape? And you ever notice how one side is always longer than the other? Wanna know why that is?"
I then let myself fall for by saying yes.
He responds with "because there's more geese on that side"
Growing up one of my dad's favorite jokes to play on me and my brother was a "magic trick" he knew. He would say "Wanna see a magic trick?" And when we'd say yes he'd say "OK watch, watch" and we'd say we were watching and he'd keep saying "watch" and pointing to his watch.
So, let's see that report card. Hmmm. Not so great this term, eh? Maybe you should have bought some tutor mice.
What are tutor mice? You never heard of tutor mice? No wonder. There's this elf, see, and he trains mice to teach kids different subjects. You buy one mouse for math, another for English, and so on. Each mouse you buy is a guaranteed A.
And the best thing is, this elf doesn't have a shop or anything. He comes to you. All you have to do is sing the song.
What do you mean what song. Everybody knows the song. You just have to sing it like you really mean it, and he'll pop up and sell you some mice. Like this:
β«I'LL BUY MICE, E-E-ELF...β«
β«DON'T WANNA 'B'!β«
β«I'LL BUY MICE, ELF!β«
Years ago, while on a road trip with Dad and his lady:
Dad: You guys wanna stop in for a cold one?
Us: Sure!
Dad: <pulls off freeway, and into a funeral home's parking lot>
I said, "Hey [friendsname], I wanna tell you something."
She said, "Is this gonna be a joke?"
"No, it's just a neat fact."
"Okay, what is it?"
"In every single English dictionary, there is always one word that is spelled incorrectly."
"Really? Which one?"
"Incorrectly."
She laughed.
My personal finance teacher who's a father of two just said this after he was asked what animal he would be. "I would be a crocogator. It's got an alligator head on one end and a crocodile head on the other end. It's the scariest animal in the world! Wanna know why? Because it doesn't have anyway to go to the bathroom!". Got a slight chuckle from everybody.
One night i was talking to my dad about a party that a bunch of single guys were going to instead of our homecoming dance. The leader of the group was called "the wolf". After mentioning "the wolf", my dad tell me "Don't worry about being a wolf, dmay58." "Ok. thanks dad." "you wanna know why." He asks as a grin starts to creep across his face. "Sure why." "Cause you get all the pussy." My mom threw a fit and my dad and I burst out laughing.
Joke Joke Joooookkkkeeee
Joke joke jooooooooooooooooke.
1
One says to the other, "Wanna get shit-faced?"
Dad said "Wanna know why one side of the V is longer than the other? There's more geese on that side!"
Ya got me.
