My 4 year old daughter’s first dad joke...Why did the dinosaur eat vegetables and fruit?

Because he didn’t like sour mice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/envengpe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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wanna hear a vegetable joke?

never mind, i don’t think your mom will lettuce hear it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Autistic-assrat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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Vegetable jokes are my least favourite to come up with.

They're really hard to produce and usually turn out pretty medi-okra.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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I tried to tell a joke about vegetables.

Unfortunately, someone beet me to the punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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What do dad jokes and vegetables have in common?

They're both corny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClebberBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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What did the fruit say to the vegetable? (xpost from /r/ jokes)

Lettuce be grape friends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gearhead43
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2015
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Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.

I wanted to become a fun guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.

They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Otherwise-Sherbet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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My father, dad joking with vegetables again...

http://i.imgur.com/z7C3mrg.png

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spookyandjasper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2014
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My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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Why didn't the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?

Because he was lacktoes intolerant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian resturaunt.

I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BucketHatManReni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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I never tell jokes about food for example…

If I tell a joke about a banana peel I have a tendency to slip up and I butcher all the jokes about meat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aceto1469
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket.

You can hide but you can’t run

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_McMuffins
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_solidwarp_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
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If Kanye samples "Green Onions" in a track...

...does that make him a rapscallion?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahwitz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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My Waitress Tonight Told I Had To Post This

Scene: Dinner for my mom's birthday at a very nice (expensive) restaurant.

Waitress: Your steak comes with a choice of the vegetable of the day or a twice baked potato.

Me: Are twice baked potatoes and refried beans prepared similar ways or is that just a naming coincidence?

W: Laughing Oh my God. Our bartender and I were just talking about funny "dad jokes" on reddit! I didn't expect to hear one in person. Do you use reddit?

M: Umm... Yeah... I actually follow r/dadjokes but I'm not a dad and

W: You should post that joke there!

I have no idea if she will see this but my wife said I had to let everyone know about a redditor interaction. I hope she does because the food was awesome and she was a fantastic waitress beyond being a fellow redditor.

I still have no idea if twice baked potatoes and refried beans have any link...

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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What do you call a Kung fu vegetable?

What do you call a kung fu vegetable? Brock Lee!

(Brock Lee is said like broccoli)

I'd live to know if this is any good because I think this is a original?

How I came up with the joke (if you carrot all): I thought of it while eating broccoli and watching Naruto. (There is a character named Rock Lee and the joke soon came to light)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/entega
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2016
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Dad came out with this excellent pun

We were shopping and as we passed through the vegetable aisle he picks up a pack of peppers and starts talking about them. Then this happened:

Dad: do you know how many types of pepper there are?

Me (feeling the dad joke coming on): no dad, how many types of pepper are there?

Dad: well you have green peppers, red peppers, yellow peppers and news peppers.

Actually made me chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SurelyNotShirley
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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today at work I found out I'm ready to be a dad.

I work at a summer camp where my ongoing joke is instead of doing activities we are going to real, eat vegetables and do math. one kid did not find it funny and asked why:

kid: why do we have to do math? Do you ever use it during summer?

me: sum times.

I repeated it with emphasis on both words for a bout a minute or so until his eyes rolled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yungun
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2015
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My 7-year-old just became a Dad

My wife was reading one of those touching (read: sappy) Christmastime stories to the kids before bed tonight. She was getting a bit teary-eyed by the end, and was having trouble seeing the pages.

Wife: "Sorry, kids, my eyes got all leaky."

7yo: "Oh, your eyes have a leak in them?"

Wife: "Yeah."

7yo: "How did you even get a vegetable in there?"

Wife and I applaud. This is the kid who usually hates my dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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Some nice dad jokes at Benihana last night

I was looking forward to all the dad jokes at Benihana last night, and I was not disappointed! (Also, epic onion volcano!)

  • Our chef says "Who wants egg roll?" and then rolls an egg across the cooking surface.

  • When the chef added butter to the cooking vegetables, he threw his bowl of butter into the air a couple times and said "Look! Butterfly!"

  • While prepping the shrimp, he put all the tails on his spatula and asked the 6-year-old at the table "You ordered just tail, right?"

  • He put one sesame seed on his spatula, showed it to the 6-year-old and said "Japanese diet!"

  • Our chef checks with everyone who ordered steak to see how they want it cooked, then says to the people who ordered chicken "For chicken, everyone want rare?" and then he laughed when one of the girls at the table got really confused.

I'm sure there were more that I can't remember once the sake kicked in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/msim
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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Clever customer got me with this one

Just as a bit of background I work in the produce department stacking vegetables and such at a chain grocery store.

Today I was fixing up a display and dropped a squash onto the ground. Before I could bend over to get it a customer walked by and grabbed it and put it in her bag. I told her that she could have a different one if she wanted because it may have been damaged. But instead she walked away and turned to said "This one is already squashed so I guess it doesn't matter" and then laughed at her joke while continuing on, leaving me standing there, squash in hand wondering what just happened.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nptaylor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2014
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My friend's daughter is getting down the whole dad joke thing...

Cook: If we add some vegetables, it will give the soup more volume Friend's daughter: Whatever you do to the soup, it's not going to get any softer or louder.

She's 8. I predict a long, bright future of dad jokes. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/choralmaster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2013
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Vegetables

Sorry if format error. Am on mobile. Just wanted to share my favorite dad joke from my childhood. I think it was my dad's favorite joke to tell too. "There was a carrot walking along the road when he got hit by a car. He was rushed to the carrot hospital and looked at by the carrot doctors. When his carrot mom came to visit the doctor told her he had some good news and some bad news. >cm: What is the news carrot doctor? >cd: Well, the good news is he is alive. The bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lorlele
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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I tired to tell a joke about vegetables.

Unfortunately, someone beet me to the punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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