My wife asked me which paddle I wanted to use in the boat...
My monkey friend says that he can use martial arts to fight off disease. I think he's tricking me and he says
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
People keep telling me to use my energy well...
Does anyone know where I can get a mana pool?
I’m Theodore, but women use to call me...
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
My Dad: Can you tell me a sensible sentence that uses the word 'because', three times, consecutively?
Me: Not today, Dad.
My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face
I use because, because, because is a conjunction.
My daughter, Eliza, kept asking me to use my 3D printer to make monogrammed chairs for her dolls. Last Sunday I printed over 100 of them. She was so happy. She started putting them on everything for decoration.
We had a Sunday, everything with a chair E on top.
the other night, my dad taught me his famous stew recipe. it went great, the only issue we had was with the herbs i wanted to use. he told me “you’re wrong about the parsley...
but that’s okay because you’re right on thyme”
I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.
They said I was weaving all over the road.
There was no fork to stir my eggs, and though my wife asked me not to use it for this purpose
It was a whisk I had to take
My dad taught me how to use a Phillips today
I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!
If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.
Someone asked me why I use lots of spices whenever I cook
So I said thyme is of the essence
When my son asked me which of two boat paddles he should use, I said:
My Dad told me the other day he hates it when people use dark mode
so i called him a racist
p.s do i need to make this nsfw? i'm not sure so pls don't remove
I asked my wife if she wanted me to use my “sexy Russian voice” during sexy time.
I told her she could call me”Vladimir Putitin”.
I hired a firm to create an advertising campaign for me. Their idea was to use workbench clamps to hold the ads up for viewing.
I think that's just bad ad vise.
What do despicable me minions use for research?
i think i’m allergic to this face wash... every time i use it, it KIEHL’S me.
When I was little, my dad taught me how to use a shovel.
For me, it was a groundbreaking discovery.
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad...
The fly didn’t stand a chance...
My dad would always tell me that, if my canoe flipped over, I could just use it as a hat...
My son has to pay me 25 cents every time he uses poorly worded sentences.
I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me...
Working at sams club i would collect boxes as they would empty. A customer came up to me and said "can i have a few of those flat boxes? I use them when i change my car oil so it doesnt stain my floor."
So I say "of course, that's a great idea. That's really thinking outside the box."
My dad always used this on me as a kid, and now I use is on my daughter.
I;d be talking to my dad and then something would pop into my head that he wouldn't know.
Me: Hey dad, do you know what?
Dad: never met him.
Me:...
As a kid I hated this joke (My dad thought he was the funniest guy around). As a dad myself, I see the appeal in it now.
My teacher asked me to use the word "irony" in a sentence.
So I said I was playing golf and out of curiosity I licked one of my golf clubs. It tasted irony.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to use gas or knock me out with an oar.
It was an ether/oar decision.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
After being warned to protect my new phone, I finally got my protection in the mail today. They sent me one meant for a teen girl with bieber on it. I still will use it until i can replace it to protect my phone.
Just in: Case; Justin case. Just Encase, just in case.
My friend said to me "Can you show me how to use this doorway?"
I said "Sure, I'll give you a walkthrough."
The other day my colonel asked me why I refuse to use artillery in battle
So I told him 'it's a total overkill'
My friend told me that for her to get certified to use pepper spray, she had to get pepper sprayed.
I guess that makes her a seasoned cop.
I use to be a lifeguard, until some blue kid got me fired.
My boss gave me the option to use a ladder or a lift.
Since kindergarten people have been telling me to use less glue.
My wife just told me that you can strain curdled milk, then use the resulting liquid as a food additive! I was like, "no way!"
My dad still tells me this joke he use to hear from his grandfather.
He only does it when he asks you what you want to drink. He says...
"What do you want to drink, apple juice, orange juice, orthodox jews?"
So let me tell you a little about my situation. It's currently about -12°F outside and my HVAC just broke. So, I decided to build a fire, but it turns out I can't use my fireplace because it needs a new flue, and I'm sorry if this is the wrong subreddit for this
but I just need t(w)o vent(s) right now.
One I use that my Dad taught me
Me: Hi Dad, you alright?
Dad: No, I'm half left
And he says it like it's most normal thing in the world but with the faintest smile on his face
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
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