A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she’s pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver’s license.
“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.
“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.
“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”
Edit: Some people in the comments are saying that this is not a dad joke, I put this here cause my dad told this one to me. Hope this makes sense :)
My day consisted of ups and downs.
So I got off the elevator.
I tried to put my son down for a nap today, but he cried and refused. I was very surprised when the police showed up 15 minutes later, cuffed him, and took him away.
When I asked them what law he'd broken, they told me he was resisting a rest.
Sometimes, when I sit on the floor, I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. Then I tuck my head down on top and lean forward.
A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.
I was walking down the street and yoghurt came up to me and said ‘EAT ME’…
It was one of those proactive yoghurts
For their Halloween party the young couple decide to dress up (or down) as cave men and women, covering themselves only in leaves and twigs.
Worse than the costume idea was the frequent wardrobe malfunctions that came about throughout the evening. Luckily for everyone the couple would manage to get a hold of the situation before things slipped down too far. Though unluckily for everyone, the guy would always end this awkward real-life recurring slapstick segment with the even more awkward dad joke: "what a releaf".
What's green on the outside white on the inside and goes up and down?
I just filled the car up with petrol didn't notice I'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a ciggy and my sleeve burst into flames, so I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames.
The Police pulled me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a license…
No one’s career is more up and down than an elevator technicians.
And don’t even get me started on people pushing their buttons everyday.
I was going down an escalator this morning and everybody up top was looking right at me the whole way down
I guess you could say they were moving stares
Transformer blew up down the street while I was taking a poo.. There was a bang, fizzle, and my power went out.
It was a pretty spooky dooky.
Your eyelashes are the longest hairs on your body. They go up over your head, under the skin, down your neck, your back and finally resurface as arse hairs. Proof?
Pull just one arse hair and your eyes water.
A guy keeps calling me up and singing "prince charming" and "stand and deliver" down the phone to me. I keep telling him to stop calling...
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.
One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.
"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
Stair humor has its ups and downs
Have you heard of Darth Vader's wife, she's always reliable and lifting people up when their down
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do by raising one leg?
The other day I was driving by a prison and an unusually small person was scaling down the wall. I looked up at him confused as he sneered back at me.
And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.
sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
What does Darth Vader use to move up and down?
My brother visited the cemetery today to see our mom. He walked up to her grave stone, closed his eyes and with a tear running down his cheek, said
Look who’s grounded now, mom.
When your soy bread prices keep going up and down
What sound does an airplane bouncing up and down in turbulence make?
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."
"And he won?" I asked.
"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, “do u mind if I say a word?” she responds, “Not at all, please do.” the man stands up and says “plethora” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” said the woman, “that means a lot.”
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, “Death to America!”
I think I might have terror wrists.
Being a yo-yo master has its ups and downs.
A man and his wife are walking down the street when they see Police Officer Ed up the street.
It's a small town so they know Police Officer Ed well enough to know that he can be pretty curt and rude. As they pass him, they exchange pleasantries. The husband tips his hat and Officer Ed does the same. The wife says, "Hello Officer Ed, it's a beautiful day isn't it?" Officer Ed looks at the sky, grunts, and says, "It looks like rain." The wife looks at the sky and says, "But there isn't a cloud in the sky." Officer Ed doubles down, "It's definitely going to rain."
The husband doesn't want to start any problems so he bids the officer good day, takes his wife's arm and leads her along. Once they were out of earshot, the husband said to his wife, "Listen, Rude Officer Ed knows rain, dear."
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...
“I guess it’s probably the wrong time.”
As we were heading out the door, my son plopped down on the floor, hoisted both of his feet into the air, looked up at me and screeched, "Daddy, put my shoes on please!"
I looked down at him and chuckled, “I think my feet are too big.”
The words "Up" and "Down" are both antonyms and synonyms
Up and down are opposite directions, and your house can "burn up" as it "burns down". Also as a colloidal invitation, one may say "Hey we're going to a party, you up?" or "Hey we're going to a party, you down?"
My job as an escalator repairman has its ups and downs
My girlfriend swore up and down she could learn to orgasm by smelling, hearing or tasting something yummy.
Goofy girl! After 6 months of trying, she finally came to her senses.
Darth Vader's new wife has his life full of ups and downs.
Her name is Ella.
Ella Vader.
Being an elevator engineer has its ups and downs.
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