My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.

I replied back: β€œSure, my door is always open.”

πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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A sinkhole just opened up in our high Street.

The police are looking into it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Dad drives to the local high school and picks up his son.

Son: β€œDad, put me down, you’re embarrassing me.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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High school started out promising for me, but I ended up selling meat as a job.

I guess you can say I butchered my grades.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamz000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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I was cooking burgers with my friend Nicky when I flipped one up high and hit him with it, just below the chin...

It was a Nick neck patty whack.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prexzan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I remember dressing up as a breakfast pastry for one of my high school plays.

It was a sweet role.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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If you ask for a high five while holding up both hands and they hit both...

Slap them and say "Here's your change"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carpe_Noctum42
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Did you hear about the man who invented a more efficient way to set up the high jump and pole vault?

He raised the bar.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trimofdoom
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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My daughter came up to me and gave me a high five, then smiled and walked away

Without giving me a bye five. :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucioboops3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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A few years ago me and my girlfriend were at a popular sunrise view point very high up in a national park in Thailand...

She asked, "is this the highest point in Thailand?"

I replied, "i don't know, it's up there".

The glances exchanged in that moment were some of my fondest memories of that trip.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryChopper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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I've never been able to beat my school's high jump record and it keeps me up at night to this day...

I just can't get over it

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greatreference
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company

The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BF1gamerz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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Can I post here if i need help coming up with a pun? I’m a high school teacher and am implementing a β€œphone hotel”. I wanted to name it something clever. Like a name that sounds similar to a real hotel or even name it β€œPhone Hotel” with a clever slogan. Any ideas?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winnieloo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?

A quick pick-me-up.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Wow, that’s really high up there. I’m going to need either a ladder or a step stool.

And I prefer the latter.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/littleallred008
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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After years of using dial up, I finally upgraded to high speed internet. I didn't realize the internet traffic!

But I was able to e-merge.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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I'm considering marrying a high earning ceo who doesn't want children, but I'm sad about the prospect of giving up my scuba diving hobby.

It's illegal to DINK and dive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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Damn christ is high up in the sky!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paper-machete56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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My fridge was turned up too high and my lunch meat froze.

Guess I'm quitting cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDataMeister
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2015
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The vacuum raised the knife up high, and as he was about to kill his first born boy he exclaimed

"Dyson!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2016
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So a guy walks up and says, "wow, that's some high top fade you've got!"

And I say, "yeah I got in way over my head."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olepowerbill
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2016
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My offspring runs up to me with arms open and held high...

Offspring: "Pick me up" Dad: "You look beautiful"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stuffer007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
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At the circus, we're high up and there's a midget clown doing his thing...

"They look so little from up here."

Shaking of heads all around with a few nods of approval.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamcan162
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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