U.s. Forest Service Puns

Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house.

He'd just moved to the neighbourhood and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favourite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.

Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at him for doing this as it ruined the spine, but seeing as this was essentially the latest in a series of airport bestsellers, he didn't feel like he was damaging anything particularly worth saving (though he had to admit it was pretty compelling, if a bit tawdry) and got up to answer the door.

When he opened it, there was a ram standing there, with a stack of fliers in his arms.

"Hello sir or madam would you like a.... OH! It's you! You're Smokey! I love your work!"

"That's quite alright, thank you" Smokey said "Now what can I do for you, young man?"

"Oh gosh, I'm so flustered" said the ram. "I never expected to see a celebrity on my first day!" "First day of...?" said Smokey. "Oh! Sorry, yes!" the ram stammered. "My sister and I just opened a new flower shop down the street and I was just handing out these brochures and it would just mean the world to us both if you would take one!"

Smokey looked down at the coupon in the ram's hand, then back up to his face.

"Sorry, kid. I'm not going to take this".

The poor ram was shocked "You're... not?"

"Now, if your sister was here, I'd accept it from her, but not from you".

"Wh... but... I don't understand...? Why my sister?"

Smokey got a serious expression on his face and looked the ram dead in the eye.

"Only ewes can present florist fliers".

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is