Why canโ€™t two elephants swim at the same time?

They only have a pair of trunks.

-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13k
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TheCVisNih
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 20 2020
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Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?

two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 129
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/shadwfiend
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 30 2020
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I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!

Moral of the story is you canโ€™t have your Kate and Edith too

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 34
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/redirishlad
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 23 2020
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What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/jigsatics
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 13 2020
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TIL: Two elephants of the same herd wonโ€™t go into the same body of water together at the same time.

Itโ€™s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/justshtmypnts
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 22 2020
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Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"

The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Fukface_Von_Clwnstik
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 02 2020
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What do you call it when two Egyptians fart at the same time?

Tutankhamen

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/awesometoenails
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 13 2020
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Iโ€™m reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. Theyโ€™ve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.

It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just canโ€™t-elope

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 148
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FunkyFaz
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 05 2020
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What do you call two people looking at the same thing at different times?

Seesaw

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/laurencelara22
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 29 2020
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Two Thirty, heard this pun a thousand times growing up in a house of dentists.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 46
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ewriella
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 08 2020
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If doing something two times is called Twice, what do we call doing something nine times?

Nice

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Doorbell28
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 09 2020
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In these hard times of 2020, I know two things you can always count on,

A calculator and an abacus....

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/raymondo1981
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 22 2020
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I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. โ€˜Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?โ€™

โ€˜Because we donโ€™t need depth perception with our mouths โ€˜ was his technically correct answer

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Irv-Elephant
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 29 2019
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What do you call two Egyptian guys farting at the same time?

Tootincommon

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 188
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thrillho333
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 27 2019
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I remember the first time I bolted two things together with metal fasteners.

That was a riveting experience.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 28 2020
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I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.

I guess I must've looked shady.

[Based on a true story!]

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 89
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/wolfyfancylads
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 18 2020
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I dated two girls at the same time in high school.

Kate and Edith. They both found out pretty quick... taught me a good lesson... You canโ€™t have your Kate and Edith too.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 50
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/USAneedsAJohnson
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 06 2019
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Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!

She's going to love these flowers!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 22 2019
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From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?

A square dance

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/dadacolt45
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 18 2019
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If you missed the special NYE this time, just wait for two years.

Because 2022 is 2020, too.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Sobrasada1009
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 03 2020
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit โžก

show more
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/billbixbyakahulk
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 05 2020
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What do you call two Corgis that violate the laws of space-time?

A pair-of-dogs.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/UltimateZebra19
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 14 2019
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What do you call it when you dip two celery sticks in ranch at the same time?

Double dipping

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Exulansiss
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 03 2019
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

show more
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 26 2020
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Two Egyptian kings fart at the same time. How are they similar?

They have a Pharoah toot in common.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DURPSTER11
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 01 2019
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I have finally made it

I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time โ€œdad Iโ€™m hungryโ€ and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16k
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sageyban
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 10 2020
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Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"

The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 73
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Taco_Pie
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 11 2019
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I just had two colleagues play "Bicycle Race" by Queen at the same time.

I told them it was nice to hear them working in tandem with each other.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/odd_gamer
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 24 2019
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What do you get when Hitler doesn't lie, then lies once, then again, then two more times, then three times, then five, then eight, then thirteen times?

A fibber Nazi sequence.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/dragondorkdad
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 30 2018
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As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.

So Noah asked them, โ€Why arenโ€™t you multiplying?โ€

The snakes replied, โ€œWe canโ€™t, weโ€™re adders.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 28 2019
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My wife had two crowns put on her teeth yesterday. She was complaining about the pain and the dentist gave her some medication for it. We are talking later and she said that she waited too long between the first and second pill and her teeth started to ache again. I asked her what time that was.

She said she didn't remember.

I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!

She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.

Totally worth it.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 37
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/blackdragon8577
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 22 2018
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What do people say when two hippies are killed at the same time at a shirt factory?

They tie dyed.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TZ112
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 10 2019
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That time I beat my dad at his own game. In the middle of a heated lecture about not joining my friends' shenanigans, dad said, "Two wrongs don't make a right."

"Two Wrights do make an airplane."

"I'm proud of you. You're still grounded though."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 98
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/JustJosh724
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 02 2018
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Imagine the Russian Empire having two heads of state at the same time...

that would be real bizarre.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/octalgon
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 10 2019
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Two guys working as movers are short on time for their job and one guy is taking to many breaks.

โ€œQuit STALLIN and start PUTIN things in the truck. Weโ€™re RUSSIAN over here.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BrandNewLogic
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 05 2018
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Saw a monkey trying to stuff two bananas in its mouth at the same time. Thought it was odd.

Turns out, it was even.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TranscontinentalNine
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 08 2019
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Welcome to Seasonal Pun Emporium!

Weโ€™ve got all wordplay for all your seasonal needs. Youโ€™ll have so much fun, youโ€™ll never want to leaf. Do You want puns that really only work this time of year? We gautumn!

(Okay but actually those are my only two. In the spirit of fall disclosure).

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/tylerjarvis
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 16 2020
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Why do Latinos cross the border two at a time?

'Cause they see a sign that reads, No Tres Passing.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/oposada
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 16 2018
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My daughter just made her first inadvertent Dad joke...

Overheard this conversation while my wife was getting our daughter ready for bed:

Wife: Alright sweetie, time for bed Daughter: Ok, I'm so sleepy Wife: I am too Daughter: NO, I AM TWO!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/shade168
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 25 2020
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, Iโ€™m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genieโ€™s lamp and says to himself โ€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink Iโ€™ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!โ€

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genieโ€™s form becomes solid. It speaks, โ€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.โ€

The Irishmanโ€™s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts โ€œtree wishes?! Thatโ€™s just brilliant!โ€ For me first wish, Iโ€™ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.โ€

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. โ€œWell I tink weโ€™ll have to put this to the test!โ€ He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, โ€œAhhhhhhhh!!!โ€ And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping โ€œbulp!โ€, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. โ€œWELL Iโ€™LL BE! THATโ€™S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!โ€

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman โ€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?โ€

The Irishman looks to the genie and says โ€œoh tatโ€™s easy! Iโ€™ll have two more of these!โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bbacconnn
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 21 2020
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What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9k
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Mitchinatr
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 18 2020
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What do you call it when two ancient Egyptians fart at the same time?

Toot in common

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 148
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/HoldMyDirrk
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 10 2020
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Why canโ€™t two elephants swim at the same time?

They only have one pair of trunks.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 389
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/devnodegree
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2018
๐Ÿšจ๏ธŽ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

show more
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/HornyBastard37484739
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 26 2020
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Do you know why you never see two doctors in the same place/time?

You never see it because it would be a pair o' docs. (Paradox)

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 86
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/stuntslushy1
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 21 2016
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What do you call it when two Egyptians fart at the same time?

Tutankhamun.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/LegendofPisoMojado
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 18 2018
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Three times is one two many
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/nikhilbhavsar
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 22 2018
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