Twenty Year Old Puns

Q: Did you hear that U of Alabama's library burned? A: It's true! They lost all 3 of their coloring books!

Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on campus at U of A? A: A visitor!

Q: What do a maggot and a U of A fan have in common? A: They can both live off a dead bear for twenty years.

Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 80,001. 1 to change the bulb, 80,000 to talk about how great the old lightbulb was.

Q: How do you make Alabama cookies? A: Put em in a bowl and whip em for 60 minutes.

Q: Did you hear Saban was going to dress up 20 players for the Iron Bowl? A: The rest will have to dress themselves.

Q: Alabama is changing their mascot to the Opossums. A: They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do Alabama players get on their SATs? A: Drool.

War Eagle!!!

Every time. Every single god damn time anyone describes anything with it's color, and he's been doing it for as long as I can remember. Now that I'm out of the house, he's doing it to my 7 year old brother.

"Turn left right after the big yellow sign." "What color is it?"

"Dad, did you see the red firetruck?" "What color was it?"

Twenty years of this and he still think it's hilarious.

Allow me to regale you with a couple tales illustrating my late dad's sense of humor. Last names faked because I'm not that stupid.

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(1). At a routine PTA meeting about me in my Georgia school, everyone found themselves packed into a hot and stuffy room waiting for the boredom to end. Shoulder to shoulder fun, can you picture it?

My dad lets one rip. It's loud, smelly, and echoes. The room falls silent as the fart invites itself unfavorably to the nostrils of those in attendance.

He turns to my mom and with his best shocked face says, "... Patty!"

I like to think he slept on the couch that night.

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(2). During my old man's wait for us to arrive at the new home he had bought, he had to deal with ongoing construction and roughed it at a hotel for a few nights. He was a retired Master Chief Machinist's Mate, so cramped quarters reminded him of the sub's nuclear engine room. No biggie.

An interview comes up for a civilian nuclear power plant nearby, and before you know it my dad's sitting before these stuffy, serious, wrinkly old board members and managers, having his (mostly military) resume picked through.

"Well Mister Smith, we're impressed. Twenty two years is no small amount of time to dedicate to the service. But do you feel you're qualified to operate and audit a civilian fission power plant?"

My dad thinks on it for a second.

"Well no, sir, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

He got the job immediately.

(For those needing the reference)

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Thanks for caring to read. I miss him a lot and this subreddit always reminds me of his sense of dry, quick humor. Take care!

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

I started working at a jewelry store two weeks ago. I just turned 24, and one of my new co-workers is about 50 years old and repairs jewelry that customers bring. He is a master of dad jokes.

1. One day, I was windexing our glass displays.

Him: I recently started getting the urge to take my clothes off and run around all over the place. My buddy told me to try drinking Windex. It prevents streaking.

2. Another time, it was almost closing time and we were getting bored.

Him: A man was walking his Great Dane and saw a pub. He said, "I'll go have me a drink or two," and tied the dog up outside.

A little while later another man comes in the pub and says, "Sir, is that your Great Dane out there? My dog just killed it."

"What kind of dog do you have?!"

"Chihuahua."

"You're telling me a chihuahua killed my dog?"

"Yea, he got stuck about right here." grabbing his throat

3. Lastly, we were bored yet again at the end of another day, and he came up to me and another worker and says, "Did one of you lose a big wad of twenty dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?"

We looked at one another confused. "... No."

"Oh, because I had some good news... I found the rubber band." holding up a runner band

I like my new job.