There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed β€œangle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.

I guess I’m just too square to try angle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PopTarnekPop
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied β€œbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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I'll never forget when my dad told me, "Find yourself a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you!” A little taken aback, I asked him what he meant. He explained...

β€œShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Never try to annoy me with bird puns..

Because toucan play at that game

πŸ‘︎ 434
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Raehln_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
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Dad got me with a bit of wisdom: No matter how much you try to push the envelope...

...it'll always be stationery.

πŸ‘︎ 201
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CandysaurusRex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
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I try to encourage my wife to come up with her own mom jokes. So when she asked me to make one up regarding wood, I got a little upset.

"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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I'm new to Scotch drinking, but I don't like ones with peat. Buddy convinced me to try one

Yeah, re-peat: my mistake

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket

.. Only got 20%Off

πŸ‘︎ 573
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuisCAG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.

I think it was Scampoo.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deceze
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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My son tried to make me a rest bed with a built-in water station, but the water kept squirting out.

I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
So proud of my daughter! We’re watching the dog desperately trying to get the cat to play with her. Me: β€œDog can’t hang because she’s a dump truck and and the cat is a Ferrari. Daughter:

Don’t you mean a β€œFur-rari”?

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Epic_pale
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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A girl tried to sleep with me for Adderall

Attention whore

By: Matthew Broussard

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Today a man tried to assault me with a knife

Damn, that was a sharp moment.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NothingHereBuddy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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I once tried to drive my Toyota Corolla with a stick shift on the Autobahn, but German authorities flagged me down and informed me that was illegal...

So I drove down the manualbahn instead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmingVisionary
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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Proud Dad Moment

Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said β€œI guess they’re going to arrest him for assaulting an officer.” 😁

Never been prouder of my daughter. 😎

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisgoggs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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My friends tried to convince me I was a chemical element with the atomic number 82....

...Thankfully, I'm not so easily lead

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marmeladovsemyon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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I had a terrifying experience with my therapist after trying to get over of my reoccurring nightmares with the Backstreet Boys. Me: I'm terrified of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: Tell me why

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigaylowry
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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My son tried to spray me with the hose

But he mist

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeamXII
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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Someone once tried to attack me with cheese and milk.

How dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinGs5000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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My wife is trying to convince me that soup is better with flavour cubes.

I don’t put a lot of stock in that.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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I tried to bargain with the grim reaper but he couldn't hear me

Apparently he's death

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alt_Alpha9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game. punsville.com/best/page/2…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2017
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I tried to bring two dead chickens with me on my flight, but they said I was only allowed one carrion.
πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Griznuq
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2017
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After trying to change my password to "noodle" my computer had a beef with me.

Apparently my password wasn't stroganoff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PiLord314
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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A meth addict tried to shoot me with a sniper rifle.

He was a real crack shot!

πŸ‘︎ 166
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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Help me guys! I tried to film a cake being baked, with my new camera, but when I turned on the oven, it broke

I swear that it said the camera could record in 360 degrees, on the box

Edit: corrected a typo

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielnm1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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I was trying to get my wife to appreciate puns as much as me. I tried everything I could come up with and she didn't even crack a smile! So I googled the top 10 puns of all time. I read every single one to her trying to get her to laugh

and no pun in 10 did

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife

It was pointless

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thomo_29
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
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My girlfriend tried to trick me with a pregnancy scare.

She was just ovary acting.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jefuchs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
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My dad tried to prank me by loading the furnace with regular rocks that were painted black.

Totally uncoal, dude.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Djental
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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My neighbor tried to attack me with a picket rail

So I punched him in defense

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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I tried to convince my friend to sing a song with me.

But he wouldn't duet.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AStrangePrice
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2017
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Trying to get to know my new Middle Eastern roommate, he hit me with this one.

I say Middle Eastern cuz I honestly forget if he's Iraqi or Iranian. We were getting to know each other, and I asked him to tell me a fable from his country of origin. It went like this:

Ali: In (the town he grew up in), there is a tower. A very very tall tower, many stories high, with only stairs. And legend says that if you climb all the way to the very top...

(pause)

Me: What happens?

Ali: completely straight face You will get very dizzy.

That was it. I thought it was hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikhail_harel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
🚨︎ report
A man once tried to bribe me with his stamp collection.

I told him, "Philately will get you no where".

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sir0zeke
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2012
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My dad was trying to rush me out the door and got me with this

Dad: Come on, get in the car. Me: I don't have to hurry. I'm driving separately. Dad: Who's separately?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schmelzoro
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2016
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My friends have always called me "dad" because it rhymes with my name. I'm just trying to live up to it.

Co-worker had just returned from buying me a pack of smokes and hands me the change, which I tell him he can keep. Coworker: WOW! A whole six cents! Now I can feed my family.... /s Me: No, now you can see dead people... Queue eye rolling and stares from customers.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SadBlueChin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2015
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to get my girlfriend to go with me on a vacation to northern Canada...

But she wasn't having Nunavut.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sax45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
🚨︎ report
I tried to bring my dead friend to class with me, but the teacher kicked him out.

Guess he's too ghoul for school.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redditurded
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad always told me, β€œFind a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”

She knows how to make a bad decision and still stick with it.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo, and try to convince her to marry me.

They know how to make a bad decision, and then stick to it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns.

Toucan play at that game.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns

But toucan play that game

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faiz_Clan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/david7494
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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