Going to treat myself to Velcro shoes, instead of laces.

Why knot ?

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I was mad about my wife's new tattoo, so I treated myself to the nudie bar...

I guess you could say it was tit for tat.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2017
🚨︎ report
I just bought myself a new first aid kit...

Thought I'd treat myself.

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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I've been stressed out recently with too much work.

So I went to a restaurant to treat myself. When I got my food i was too uptight to finish it.

I guess I have too much on my plate.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobbert84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Peruvian luggage

I treated myself to some leather luggage from Peru.

Alpaca suitcase.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBearDidLady
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
So I took a drug test, today...

As I stepped out of the bathroom and handed the doctor my sample, I said, "Urine for a treat!"

I'm so proud of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwatchmanx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2015
🚨︎ report
So I bought a new book.....

So I treated myself to some new books yesterday from a small local place near me, I decided to stop off at the parents on the way home and the mother had her face in the book bag before I new what was going on.

I'm showing her what I've bought and when opening one of them, I find a small maggot like creature splattered inside one of the covers! The remains of its body on one side, a goopy mess on the other. At this point the father walks past, peers over my shoulder & says 'you know what that is don't you?'. No I replied, thinking I'm going to get some to quality useless dad knowledge laid upon me........'A bookworm' he states! And fully committed to his delivery, walks clear through the kitchen and out to his shed without even a glance back.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captain_Cas23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Just bought a first aid kit...

Thought I'd treat myself.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought myself a first aid kit today.

I thought I would Treat myself.

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought a first aid kit

I felt it was time to treat myself

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC-Master-Bedroom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve just bought myself a First Aid Kit...

Thought I’d treat myself.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeeFarkas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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