This One's For The Children Puns

Sorry this will take a little setup. I have 2 adult kids. Son and a daughter, both are married. Both now have young children of their own. I have been a dad jokester for years..

We have a "family chat" on Facebook messenger with me, my wife, our son, daughter in law, our daughter and her husband.

Conversation just happened:

Daughter in law: Hey does anyone have a wheelbarrow we could use?

Daughter: Yep, I have one I borrowed from mom and dad you can have.

Me: too funny

Daughter: yeah we should call it a "wheel-borrow"

I just realized that I have officially passed the torch. The next generation of my family is successfully dad joke punny. Years of puns have paid off!

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.

The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.

One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!

Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?

But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi

People ask me sometimes, they say ( because they are wise to seek my counsel on this matter), "how is it that Norsemen came to be known as "Norwegians"?"

You see, back in days of Yore, when Norsemen first got it in their heads that the Brits and the Picts were a puny lot, ripe for the harvest so to speak, they first scouted the area by pretending to be tourists. They found themselves a nice sidewalk cafe operated by a couple limey weasels, and set their boots heavily on the outdoor table and ordered up a corned beast suitable to their needs. And ale. They needed some ale. You can't smash a horn down and demand "more ale, wench!" In a loud, commanding voice if you haven't had any in the first place.

The waitress was a slip of a lass, dark-complected, demure and quiet to match her appearance. She stammered out that, being a Green Initiative business, Ale was not only unavailable but philosophically out of place. But they had some lovely tea with a hint of lavender...

Thorrfin Skullsplitter leaned forward at this news, and bellowed, "we are not teetotalers!", pounding his fist on the iron-lace table.

Lenny Mcgreasel, one of the cafe's two owners, heard the commotion and injected his condescending, servile whine to the conversation, "is there anything we can bring the large gentlemen from our menu?", gesticulating to the hand-crafted hemp/flaxseed menu depicting what could only be described as a garden, rather than a list of things to eat.

Thorrfin's mate, Snorri Log-Bender, immediately ordered, as if he'd been thinking about this moment for some time, "what I'd like is to have some bacon salad"

Thorrfin was still muttering in his beard over not being a teetotaler. " I'm sorry sir, we only serve as food that which has grown fresh from the garden"' the waitress chirped. That was the last straw. With a shove of his boot, and a full dose of disgust, the table flew backwards.

"C'mon, Snorri", he said in disgust, and he stood, once again emoting, "we are not teetotalers"

Just then another small-faced waitress popped around the corner carrying tofu laced with kale and and whole-grain brown rice. Snorri saw his chance, and with a face of disgust he emoted,

"Nor Vegans"

And with that they bid their their host a hostile farewell, only to return two weekends later with a fully armed force of Vikings,- and established what would become the preeminent fast food of a millennia, fish and chips, served only with the darkest stout.

To hear the Engl

As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!

I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.

Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

“Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. “Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

“A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. “Let us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

“I see”, said the student. “It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

“That’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. “You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

“Isn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

“Ahm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. “Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

“So you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, “Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. “And he”, he said, turning to his students, “is clearly the gradi

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.

This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.

Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.

So I said to the French girl, «quelque chose». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"

I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.

A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. «quelque chose» is the French phrase for "something".

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!

Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.

The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!

What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.

A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What animals are on legal documents? Seals!

Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.

Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Dockyard: A physician’s garden.

What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!

The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!

When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.

Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!

Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!

For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day

What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood

What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”

Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).

How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.

I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.

The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.

What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!

What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!

What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!

What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

How does every Russian joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?  Nothing, they’re both fictional characters

What’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union?  It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party’s.

What do you call a Russian with Tourette’s Syndrome?  Yukanol Fukov.

What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?  A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.

What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User’s Manual?  The bus and train timetables.

What is Communism?  The Poles say it’s the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.

What do you call a gassy russian? Vladimir Tootin

What is the fastest country in the world? A: Russia

What do you call a Lada on a hill?  A bloody miracle.

What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin?  Put-it-in!

What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?  Electricity.

Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest? Me neither.

When was the first Russian election held?  The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, “Go ahead, choose your wife.”

Russia really Putin a lot of work for the Winter Olympics

I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.

America: Hey Ivan.. Russia: da.. America: what do you call a gassy Russian.. Russia: hoe don’t-.. America: Vladimir Tootin.. Russia: !   America: !!.. Russia: fuck you.

Me: Netflix and chill more like NYET-flix and chill.. Closetcellist: in a russian accent NO FILMS. ONLY CHILL.

So you want to tell me… Hilbert was Russian to the loud noise?

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?” We’re answering: “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate the Americans?” We’re answering: “Because Russians helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans don’t help to get rid of the other.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?” We’re answering: “At Lenin’s time, Ru

A great bundle of Internet puns; enjoy!

You despise Microsoft FrontPage as a web editing tool and as extensions to your webserver.

You can answer the question ‘is the internet broken’ without laughing.

You can spot the theme behind the following list: RedHat, SuSE, Debian, Caldera, Slackware.

You can feel the load a server is under without actually checking statistics. It ‘just isn’t running right’ actually makes sense.

You maintain more than four websites and do not have time for a personal web page.

You know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what they’ve done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linus Torvalds, Eric Allman, Sanford Wallace.

You know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP, OSPF, and DUN. You like acronyms.

I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it “Bang”. I mean, think about it.. “I BANGED Emma Watson last night.”

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI…

On the Internet you can be anything you want. It’s so strange that many people choose to be stupid.

Girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile…

Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter. When Chuck Norris plays hide and seek, even google can’t find him.

A press release: “Yesterday, for the first time a hacker was convicted of network penetration and went to jail to serve a 12 years sentence. According to the data of the central computer of the police, the hacker goes to liberty the day after tomorrow because of expiration of the sentence.”

Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting “Live life full”. That’s just 3 random words. I’m going to try now. Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.

Facebook: “My kids are perfect.” Instagram: “My kids are beautiful.” Twitter: “My kids are why I drink.”

The facts on this website are Chuck Norris’ smallest acheivements. If you knew what he was really capable of, you would never sleep at night.

Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, you’ll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? An URLologist.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

[Discussing my plans to progressively steal more & more of my old Lego from my parents place]

Me: So this stuff I took was mostly technic pieces coz my nephew is way to young to understand how it all works

Her: But it's still harsh to be taking it - what about when he does become old enough for it?

Me: This is my plan for the future & the Lego which will go to our own children eventually... Call it... my legocy!!

[Wife makes one of the loudest dad joke groans I've ever heard]

Dad: So a Doc walks into a bar and asks for a Daiquiri. The bartender serves him and the doc says "this is terrible! It tastes like hickory!" The Bartender replies, "Yeah, it's a Hickory Daiquiri Doc!" (like the children's rhyme)

Me: groans

Dad: What was the actual words of it again? I forget.

Me: Hickory Dickory Dock, the mice ran up the clock.

Dad: Oh yeah. Hickory Dickory Dock, the mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one... and the other two escaped with minor injuries.

My dad's a doctor / teacher and his workplace was close to my university, so he often took me to class in this busted '83 BMW-320 which he bought brand new. This one time he arranged for one of his former students (John, now teacher as well) to take us, and he shows up in a brand new Audi A4. We get out of the car and i ask him:

-"Dad, how come John has a brand new Audi A4 and you're still driving the same busted car you've had since I was born?"

-"John doesn't have any children."

This is probably more topical humor, but I'm a dad and I'm proud of this one.

My wife and I (and our 18-month-old daughter) went to our friends' house (also a married couple, 3 children) for the new year's celebration. About 10 minutes after midnight, Dave (the male in the other relationship) said, "What was Chris Brown's biggest hit?"

Without skipping a beat, I instantly reply, "Rihanna."

EDIT: Spelling.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.