A list of puns related to "This Is Where It Ends"
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.
The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."
Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said “where does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”
I respond, “it’s my high knee.”
Dad says, “it’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”
I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.
His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.
"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."
"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.
"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."
"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."
"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."
One of the classic Abbott and Costello routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. The skit ends with a simple ‘read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill. This routine was done many times, both in the movies and their radio show.
Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: That’s right. [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Don’t change the subject.
Lou Costello: I’m not changing the subject; you’re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, there’s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: I’m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I don’t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: That’s the way you feel about it, that’s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and you’ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: I’m not running in, you’re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I can’t help it if you can’t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, here’s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, won’t loan a pal $50.
So at my school, we had a pipe burst.
Joke at the end of you want to skip
Now it's pretty normal in the midwest, where I live, to have this thing. It started with the fire alarm going off, because of the pressure decrease, and the school was evacuated. We were all eventually brought back, for it was cold. We sat in our gym for AN HOUR before being dismissed back to our classes.
So it's near the end of the day and I have gym class. And I'm having your normal conversation with a friend about the school's financial problems. And we were just talking about how the school is going to have to pay so much money for the new pipe and the ceiling tiles and the cleaning etc.
And then it was my moment to shine.
So the conversation is almost over and the friend says,
"It'll be a while before normal funds go back".
And I just say this:
"Yeah man, the school's money is going down the drain".
(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]
This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.
My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.
Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"
Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.
After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"
He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).
Background: Where I live, we have these little plastic cards instead of tickets to get on trains. You load it up with money electronically and then "touch on" at the train station and "touch off" when you get off at your destination. The other day I touched on at the station. Shortly after arriving, the meeting I had been going to got postponed. So I touched off. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't been charged for sitting in the station for five minutes so I went up to the ticketing booth.
Me: Is there anyway for me to check the balance of this online or something?
Conductor: Oh, no need. I can do that for you!
He takes the card, places it on the end of his finger, and holds it up to his eyes.
Conductor: Yep, perfectly balanced!
I think he was surprised by how funny I found this.
Martial arts is as much spiritual training as it is physical training. In fact, there is a school of martial arts in Korea where practitioners would spend large portions of the day just meditating.
As they train their spirits to ponder over their place in the universe, the practitioners would also train their bodies to forgo the needs of the physical world. The practitioners would endure days on end without sleep, and live on a single loaf of bread for an entire month.
As they meditate, they would repeat the mantra: “I am one with the universe, it sleeps not so I shall not sleep. This bread is my only worldly attachment but I shall only TAKE ONE DOUGH”
it'll still be stationery.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit ➡HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. “Tim”, he said, “You have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n
... keep reading on reddit ➡As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.
One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.
Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.
I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.
I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.
I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.
After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.
I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.
So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.
I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.
As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.
The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.
I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.
This joke has been told to me
... keep reading on reddit ➡What you need to know: We have a grocery store called Dominick's.
Artie and Dominick grew up in the same neighborhood and were best friends. But after highschool, they parted ways.
20 years later, they bump into each other on the street and the friends have a happy reunion. They talk about their lives after they left their old neighborhood. Dominick is a very wealthy lawyer and Artie is a mobster. Artie turns to Dominick and says "If you need anything at all, I'll get it for ya. Just ask."
Dominick :Well there is one thing... Artie: Anything. Dominick: Well I can't stand my wife. Could you get rid of her? Artie: Of course! Dominick: Wait! You're my friend, I gotta pay you for this. Artie: I can't take your money. Dominick: I have to give you something! Artie: Fine, give me a dollar.
So Dominick hands him a dollar and tells Artie when he'll be at work. The next day, Artie slips into the house and strangles the wife but as soon as her body hits the ground, the maid walks in. So Artie strangles her too, but as soon as her body hits the ground, the butler walks in. Artie strangles the butler and then the police burst in.
The next day in the papers, the head line reads: "Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at Dominick's"
The end. My dad was saying the other day he won't be able to tell that joke anymore because Dominick's (the store) is closing where we live.
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the kno
... keep reading on reddit ➡Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.
While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).
I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)
The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."
I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.
Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)
What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"
Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.
I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)
I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".
I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten
... keep reading on reddit ➡So I have a class where I sit in the band hall and practice my instrument, and near the end of class I looked at the clock and noticed that the bell should have rang already (at 10:40). I checked my phone, and it was only 10:37.
The conversation went like this:
"Mr. Band director, that clock is ahead."
"No, that clock is a clock." (I didn't get it)
"What? No it's ahead."
"No, your head is a head. That is a clock."
I persisted (because I STILL didn't get it) and he said to the other people in the room "can we all agree that that is a clock, and not a head?"
I finally got it, and said "It's a clock, but it's also ahead - like one word - ahead."
"No, the clock is running fast, but it is not a head."
My friend - "it can't run because it doesn't have any legs."
The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.
“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.
“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.
“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks. “No.” “Too cold?” “No.” “Too salty?” “No.”
The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?” “No, no no.”
Finally the chief, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”
Says the old man: “A-ha!”
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.
For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.
On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.
Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.
Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken
... keep reading on reddit ➡"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
Here goes...
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
My daughter tried to go poop today for the first time on the potty. It didn't go well. There was "one that got away" if you know what I mean. She got excited and ran out of the bathroom without being properly cleaned up. It ended up on the rug in her room (she has a brown and green rug so it blended right in) and my wife found it by stepping on it. I had to run to the store to get some carpet cleaner. I get home and she has it mostly cleaned up. This is where it starts: Wife: I got most of it out already. Me: Ok. I'll get the rest with the cleaner. Wife: I scrubbed it pretty good for like twenty minutes. Me: To get it that clean, I thought it would have taken about turd-y minutes. She groaned and my son and I laughed.
This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.
Sister: My balls are caught in the door!
Me: LOL, WHAT?
Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.
**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.
**Grandma**: *grins and nods*
**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.
**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.
**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.
**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.
**Grandpa**: No, $2.
**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.
**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*
~
**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.
**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.
**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!
**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.
~
**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?
**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?
**Me**: Wow.
~
**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.
**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!
**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!
**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
**ME**: I DID.
~
**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.
**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...
**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.
~
*while watching American Idol*
**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.
**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.
~
**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!
~
*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*
**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.
**Tyla**: Oh yeah? Well at least Papa loves weenies!
*Me and Papa look at each other*
**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.
~
*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off*
**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?
**Me**: ...Seen what?
**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.
**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about?
**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town?
**Me**: ......
~
*While driving through Alton one morning*
**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.
**Me**: Ew. Coffee is nasty.
**Grandma**: No it isn't! It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!
~
*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face*
**Grandma*The bus ride to the station had been very stressful. I spent the entire time worrying if the bus even stopped at the train station. I ended up spending nearly an hour making two loops around the city before I finally realized that I had to hop off near the station. Public transport. Jesus.
I'd missed the train I wanted to catch due to my hour-long bus ride, so I had some time to kill before the next one arrived. It had been cold and raining when I left in the morning, but by lunch time it was warm and I was sweating, standing on the station in a big yellow hoodie and jeans.
I had overslept and skipped breakfast earlier, so I resolved not to let the loud farts coming from the old man next to me kill my appetite. I was desperate for a snack.
Initially the vending machine told me it would accept "EXACT CHANGE ONLY". Slightly annoying, but no real problem: I just fished out my change, inserted some alternative coins and punched in the number. I watched the object of my desire inch forwards, ready to drop into the bottom where I could collect it. For some reason I was terrified that it might get stuck. Robbed by a robot, how embarrassing. Luckily the packet fell into the tray. Finally something was going my way.
As I reached into the bottom of the machine and pushed open the metal door, it suddenly stuck. It was wedged in place and the gap was too small for my snack to fit through. "Motherfucker..." I whispered under my breath.
But I was too invested to give up now. Determined not to be beaten by a bloody machine, I pulled hard and the packet burst, spilling chips into the tray. I managed to salvage about half of the crisps and ate them greedily. Partially crushed, but still deliciously cheesy.
At this point it occurred to me that perhaps I should tell the station operator that the vending machine was broken. I walked up to the ticket office and saw a bored, tired looking man in his forties. "I just thought I'd let you know the vending machine is jammed," I announced.
The attendant got up, walked over over to the vending machine and gave it a solid kick, dislodging the little metal door which had foiled me. When he turned to me again his expression had changed from boredom to amusement. "So what flavour was it then? Strawberry?"
I groaned, but couldn't resist a smile.
I knew it was going to be a good day.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
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