My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
I admit it’s a repost, but this pun is just a sin... Please let me know if you get it!!!
Me: "How much is the rent for this beautiful apartment?"
"Sir!! This is a liquor store "
While waiting for a school-related live stream, me and my friend decided to throw words at each other and make puns out of them. This is one of my most proudest puns.
My son just told me that he is studying Mesopotamia this term
I said “Great, I can Babylon about it for hours!”
My wife is pissed at me. I made hard boiled eggs for breakfast this morning and let our 2 year old help peel them and he made a mess
I have been walking on eggshells ever since.
Phil is to blame for this one, nothing to do with me.
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
Man: “Are you certain this dog you’re selling me is loyal?”
Owner: “Of course he sure is. I’ve sold him five times, and every time he comes back.”
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
....and then put it back on the shelf.
The sky looked a bit foreboding this morning, so I asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?" Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley."
I must have left my phone in Airplane mode.
Did this painting for my friend (far right) who is a huge Pittsburgh steelers fan. His favorite player is Troy Polamalu... And he likes puns. That's me in the middle.l in my favorite jumper. Thoughts???
reddit.com/gallery/kkbp9y
I am a proud dad today - my son ask me what this Indian bread on top of the fridge is for
I told him it’s Naan of his business
Edit: he could have replied “papa dumb”
My boyfriend told me as I walked in “hey don’t be alarmed but the toilet is smoking”. Concerned, I walked into the bathroom and found this:
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
This is a series of dad jokes that all relate to each other and form a dad joke story so bear with me.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
(How?)
With a blue elephant gun.
How you you kill a pink elephant?
(With a pink elephant gun?)
No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
(No clue...?)
So they can hide in cherry trees
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
(Of course not)
Then clearly it works
Last month my doctor told me, "Bob, this is seriously urgent. You really have to start drinking less vodka."
I've been out to at least 40 different bars since then, but no one seems to carry that brand. Anyone know where to find it?
If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..
I really need to borrow some chairs.
This one is driving me crazy...
It’s my birthday today and no party is planned due to pandemic. And my daughter said this to cheer me up.
“You will have your cake and eat it too.”
PS: this is the best gift I can get today.
Can’t figure out what game this is, could you send me a link?
My son showed me a stamped envelope and asked, "Is this a postmark?"
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Gary.
I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"
"No" he said, "It kills them"
Me: this is my house
Friend: what's upstairs
Me: stairs don't talk
You wanna have beef with me? Because this is how you get beef with me! I’m dead serious mate!
It’s been so long since I last got to see ya! You and ya family gotta come over for a barbecue this weekend!
Somebody told me this is a fucking pun. Maybe he confused the sausage for a weiner?
I was on a family vacation in Japan when I slept in one day. My dad flung open my door and told me to wake up. I said, “Dad, what do you think this is?...
...the Land of the Rising Son?”
"excuse me, is this sugar free?"
Cashier: No. You have to pay for it.
In times like these, laughter is essential. I don't have much, but for the ever vigilant mod team and you, the subscribers of /r/DadJokes, please allow me to offer this open letter...
A man approached me, touched my shirt and asked “is this felt?” To which I responded “no”.
My dad sent me this today: "All they're talking about on the news is the coronavirus. Nobody said anything about the damn coronapox!"
http://imgur.com/gallery/XgScS7E
Can someone help me with this crossword puzzle? 7 letters, starts with R, clue is "Taken away from original place or position"
Not a dad, but my neighbor who is a dad was proud of me for this one. He was helping me dig up trees and I turned to him upset and said:
Wow you just left me with a bunch of Ash-holes in my yard.
This is killing me
https://i.imgur.com/K0QITw8.jpg
Is this a repost? Tell me! I need to know! Please!!
What happens when you throw butter up in the air??
Butterflies
Please tell me this is in the right subreddit
Crust me, this is a good one
Tell me if this is funny
Would you like to hear a joke about unemployment?
Ah nevermind it won't work
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
This is actually funny to me
This tree is giving me mixed signals
this is a real red flag for me!
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