Third Girl Puns

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Patrick Paul and Eric stumble across an old lamp in the desert, of course they rub it and a genie appears. He says to them "You have freed me from 2000 years from the lamp, I shall grant all three of you 3 wishes". Patrick goes first and he asks for a million pounds. The genie gives him a million pounds in cash. Paul says " I'd like to be the richest man on the planet" They open his banking app and watch as the balance goes up to trillions of pounds" Eric says "I'd like my right arm to spin clockwise forever" and his right arm starts spinning like a windmill round and round. Patrick goes in for his second wish and says I'd like to be in perfect health for the rest of my life. The genie grants his wish and he instantly becomes more energetic and feels great. Paul says, I'd just like you to fix my bad hip. Instantly Paul's hip is better than ever and the pain he suffered for many years vanishes. Eric says "I'd like my left arm to spin anti clockwise forever" and his right arm starts spinning. Patrick goes for his third and final wish "I'd like a beautiful wife" he says and within an instant she appears and she's his. Paul, inspired by Patrick says, "I'd like the most beautiful women in the world to find me irresistible" the genie grants this wish. Eric says, I'd like my head to nod up and down forever. It starts, and with their wishes over, they all leave. Ten years later they agree to meet up. Paul and Patrick meet up in a bar and then Eric joins them. Paul starts the discussion and says "I'm happily married, I used some of money to make some investments, bought a beautiful house and after a while meeting lots of beautiful women I settled down and married a girl carried Trisha", who he tells them he's madly in love with, Patrick said "I spent some of the money opening a small car washing business, it's making good profits so that's good, I married the beauty, Georgina that the genie gave me and I'm still in great health". Then Eric speaks, and says "I think I messed up".

A man asks his brother to name his kids.

He calls the girl Denise.

What does he call the boy?

Denephew.

Then I added on:

What does he call that third kid that looks a bit too much like the mailman?

Denile

Sometimes i just like to throw my balls around in the living room.

I do it in front of my girl.

I do it when we have guests.

Sometimes i hit the ceiling.

Sometimes i just hit the floor.

The third one is a bit out of place, but that is okay. It is grey after all.

Juggling is fun, but also quite a ballsy affair.

A guy was taking his girlfriend to prom; a night that she had been looking forward to for a very long time! He wanted to make sure it was absolutely perfect for her.

First, he went to buy her some flowers. The line was incredibly long since everyone else was doing the same, but he stuck through it and got them.

Second, he went to buy her some chocolates at the local choco-shop. Again, there was a very long line, but he waited and bought her the chocolates.

Third, he wanted to look his best for her, so he went and rented a tux. Every other lad had the same thought, and the line reached out the door! But he waited and got his tux.

Finally, he went to rent a limo for their special night. The line stretched around the block but he thought of how happy she would be and waited. After three hours, he had the limo.

He went to pick her up and took her to the prom. She was extremely grateful for everything he had done, but asked for a drink, as the chocolates had made her thirsty. He agreed, albeit a tad begrudgingly, as he knew all the other girls probably asked for the same and that the line would be astronomical.

He went to go get it for her. Luckily, there's no punch line.

… despite some apprehension they both hit it off and agree to a second date.

Date two comes and there’s even more fireworks, ending with a kiss goodnight.

Finally, a third date comes and at the end she invites him inside to spend the night.

As they’re fooling around, she says “If we’re going to go to bed together, theres probably something you should know. When I was a little girl I was in an accident and I lost both my feet, so both my feet are prosthetic”.

Slightly taken aback, the guy says “I’m really sorry, I like you a lot. But if that’s the case we can’t be together”.

Obviously very upset, she asks “Why?! Are you a bigot or something?!”

“No” he replies “I’m lack-toes intolerant”.

A class of third graders are sitting down at their desks one morning when their teacher walks in.

“Good morning class, today we’ll be working on our English. Can someone use the word Fascinate in a sentence for me?”

Little girl in the front row raises her hand high, squirming in her seat. “The stars last night were fascinating.”

Teacher looks at her and says,”Close, I want you to use the word Fascinate.”

A boy near the middle of the room stands up and says,”I’m fascinated by the ocean and it’s creatures.”

“That’s still not the answer I’m looking for.” The teacher says. “Can anyone give me an example of Fascinate in a sentence.”

A quiet boy in the back stands up, clears his throat and says,”My grandmother came over last night wearing her new dress. It has ten buttons in the the front but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight of them.”

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with her—waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to pop—she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, “Omigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

“Well, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

"Daddy, why is my name Violet?" the first girl asks.

"Because a violet fell on your head when you were born, dear," her father answers.

"Daddy, why is my name Rose?" the second girl asks.

"Because a rose fell on your head when you were born, dear," her father answers.

"My favorite color is potato," the third girl says.

"Shut up, Brick!"