A train engineer pled insanity for wrecking the train.

That was his loco-motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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Zuul asks Peter Venkman if he wants to wreck up a city and toast marshmallows in the flames.

Venkman says, "Nah, I'm not a big marshmallow guy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theknight618
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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What happened to the frog when he wrecked his car ?

He got toad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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I can't believe they gave that engineer who wrecked the train in New York the electric chair. And he survived it!

I guess he just wasn't a very good conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/59boomer59
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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So I was talking to my friend yesterday about their recent accident

They told me that recently they had come into ownership of a small ball of string. At first, they thought nothing of it. One day, they walked into their house and the ball of string was on the table, when they had specifically left it in a closet. They put it away again, but the next day when they came home from work, the ball was on the table again. It kept happening, and eventually it became a sort of game for my friend. They'd leave it somewhere they thought it could never come back from, and return to find it on their table.

Then it began to appear in other places.

It appeared in the middle of a company meeting. One moment, the table was empty, the next, it had a ball of string in the middle. While driving, they spotted it in the back of their car. They saw it inside of a vending machine. But at the end of every day it would return to their table.

Eventually, my friend decided enough was enough. They took the string, and threw it off a bridge into a river. As they were driving home, a car swerved and hit them, wrecking both cars. My friend staggered to check on the other driver, and all he found was a small pile of soggy string on the seat.

After that, he never saw the string again.

So after he told me this tale, I turned to him, and said, "Wow... that was quite a yarn."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justcaleb2001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I heard a guy crying on the curb this morning because he wrecked his car

β€œWas it a Saab?”

No, more of a whimper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bhammy6
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
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Person one: "Don't put the pots and pans in the dishwasher, it wrecks the anti-stick stuff. That's how I ruined that big pan."

Person two: "I guess you could say the anti-stick went out of the frying pan, into the water."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hahaijoinedreddit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2015
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Did you hear about the Swedish car that got into a wreck?

It was a real Saab story

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Butt_Puppet10
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.

My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph.

She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JacKlompus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Someone broke into the police headquarters!

They wrecked all the toilets. The detectives have nothing to go on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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I put the new engineer in charge of driving the locomotive despite without having lessons on how to drive it...

I figured he would do well with on the job training. He went off the rails and wrecked. I don't need to mention about his conduct during the process.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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There was an accident in the Paleontology section of a Natural History Museum where multiple dinosaur skeletons collapsed and were broken beyond repair. The directors of the museum were concerned that visitors wouldn't visit that section anymore ...

but visitors still showed up to view the
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EyeWunderY
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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There was man named Demitri who lived in Russia....

Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.

Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.

One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.

Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it happened again. He was drunk and crashed the train this time killing 8 people. He was again sentenced to death by the electric chair. He once again requested a banana. This time executioner really soaked the sponge to not risk a repeat. When the lever was pulled Dimitri was again left unharmed. Once again it was concluded to be another act of God and he was given his freedom.

Dimitri turned to the bottle even more especially having 18 lives gone because of him. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. It happened again though. This time, 23 people. The courts angry sentenced him one more time to death by electric chair.

When the time for his final meal came he requested another banana. The guards being very visibly upset over the situation denied his request and he was left no last meal. As the time approached and he was strapped to the chair. The executioner had a large grin ready to take this murderous man off Earth. When he pulled the lever however he was still left unharmed.

Furious the executioner cried, "How are you still alive?! You did not eat the banana!"

Dimitri shook his head and simply said, "Oh no officer the banana is not why I'm still alive. It's because I'm a terrible conductor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jms199456
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take him on a piss up to Iceland. When asked why he said:

I want to wreck ya vic!

Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?

Coz He'll sinky

What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?

Their Brunei

Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronouce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.

Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.

I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"

The ex Mrs McCartney got naked in East Germany in the 80s. She was known for years in the area as Bare-lin

Cheap flights to Russia still available! Book now! Everything Moscow!

The people of Bahamas think learning Capitol cities is Nassau important

The people of the Netherlands had a need to build a water driven power station as well as an overabundance of pork products. So they used 'Ams to Dam a river.

A husband and wife in the Phillipines were both very, very unwell. The woman was sick, but the man iller.

What's the average Senegalian's favoured mode of transport? Da car

Have you heard about the talking cat in Somalia that only throws insults? The Moggy Diss you

They are obsessed with John Cleese in Uruguay. They love a video of Fawlty towers almost as much as they love a Montevideo

People from Vietnam Hanoi the hell outta me

Rain storms are very rare in Zambia, but in Zimbabwe they Harera

Before you do a joke about Macedonia, let me Skopje right there

I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm

If you are trying to eat Halal in Pakistan, Islamabad or good choice?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spoghead
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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Johnny gets off the bus on the way home from school

On his walk home he sees a dog in he middle of the road. He wonders what it’s doing laying there when all of a sudden a car comes by and hits the dog. It flies through the air and after a minute, gets up and runs into the woods. Johnny can’t believe what he just saw and rushes home to tell his mom. He goes inside breathing hard form running and says β€œYou’re not going to believe what I just saw”

β€œWhat happened Johnny” says his mom

β€œThis car just hit this dog right in the ass and it flew through the air. He barely got up and limped into the woods”

The mom then says β€œnow little Johnny cmon lets be a little more respectfully let’s not use those words. Let’s say rectum instead”

Johnny then replies

β€œWrecked him!? That car damn near killed him!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LockinKey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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More clever than usual.

My dad and I were watching the ball drop when Miley started performing 'Wrecking Ball'.

He turns to me and says, "Knock, knock"

Me, "Oh God, who's there?"

Him, "Hakeem"

Me, "Hakkem who?"

and right as the chorus came on, he sings at the top of his lungs,

"HAKEEEEEEM INNN LIKEEE A WREEECKKKKINNNGG BALLLL!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatkid1441
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2014
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FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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My dad and mom had this exchange today while watching a NASCAR event. I might have two dads.

Dad: "The Cottonelle driver's career must be in the toilet."

Cottonelle driver gets in wreck several minutes later.

Mom almost instantly: "They had better wipe up that mess."

These two were clearly made for each other.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fagballs3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2017
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Assphyxiation

Assphyxiation taken from the great contribution of /u/brother_p in /r/Whatcouldgowrong .. here

edit: Though the experienced really wrecked him .. the cub lived to see another day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/direwolfed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
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Dad and I grabbing sandwiches for lunch.

I'm getting the "Wreck" sandwich from Potbelly's. Extra delicious.

Sandwich maker: "Oops!" (Reaches over to the toaster to catch the melted cheese sliding off the sandwich.

Dad: "Great catch! Potential disaster there."

Sandwich maker: "Thanks. Could have been A Wreck."

Best. Sandwich maker. Ever.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2016
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Dadjoked by boyfriend while watching Wreck it Ralph

So tonight my boyfriend, roommate and I are watching Wreck it Ralph with some friends. We're about a half an hour in and we are at the scene right before Venelope throws the medal into the funnel thing(?). King Candy is currently throwing candy to the audience members who are made out of candy.

Guy Friend: Wait. So. They're made out of candy, but King Candy is giving them candy to eat???

Boyfriend: Yeah. They're candybals.

Roommate and I dissolve into a fit of giggles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charles_Chuckles
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2014
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We were discussing things to bring on our upcoming trip to Hawaii

My sister suggested bringing her waterproof camera to take pictures while we snorkel, and I advised her to look up the owner's manual to make sure that it could handle salt water.

Me: The salt water might wreck the seal.
Dad: Would it wreck the walrus?

All: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mack_Kohl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
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It's been very chilly for the past couple of days, so my SO was in a hurry to get inside.

SO: "I'm gonna run into the house when we get home"
Me: "Don't do that, you'll wreck the car."

No response except for a single sigh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalBawse
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
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So he's working in his office....

and my son goes in there to build train tracks all over the office which he then steps on... So I walk in to see what happened and said, "It's a mess in here!" and replies with, "No baby, it's a train wreck."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nevachu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2013
🚨︎ report

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