What did the audience say when the Spanish magician vanished at the count of 2?

"Oh my god he vanished without a tres (Trace)"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iBreakDreams
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2022
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A baker in a small village woke up one morning to find everyone in town had vanished during the night.

As he began his daily routine of preparing to bake countless loaves of bread, he quickly realized there was no knead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ill-Video3739
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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3 high profile paintings vanished from the MOMA last night…

Now museum, now you don’t.

(used a Wynonna Earp line I just heard for the punchline)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TongueTiedTyrant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2021
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A Spanish Magician says he will vanish on the count of three.

No one knows why he stopped at dos. They say he disappeared without a tres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2nd_mowae
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
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Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…"

"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. β€œUno” β€œDos”

And then he vanished, without a tres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cookiesncream6969
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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one of my favorite norm macdonald jokes

when i was young there was a fellow who went by the name of jacques de gatineaux

he was from temiscaming Quebec, and he was a fella that really thought and he was smart, he was our hope i guess, and while i was scrambling to get out of highschool Jaques de gatineaux has already finished college, and we thought he was gonna be the next wise man of Quebec

but he vanished, and one time i was in Niagara falls and i went over to the seaworld there, i look over and to the place where they feed the baby dolphins, and who do i see there but jacques de gatineaux, and i told him: "i'm ashamed of you, you were to be a great man jacques de gatineaux, and we were all pinning our hopes on you, you could've done so many great things, I'm ashamed of you"

and he looked at me as he was feeding the baby dolphins and he said: "well i think I'm serving a youthful porpoise"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2022
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A horse walks into a bar…

bartender says β€œyou come in here an awful lot. are you sure you’re not an alcoholic?”

the horse replies β€œi don’t think i am” and then promptly vanishes.

you see, this was based on descartes’ famous line β€œi think, therefore i am” but i couldn’t explain that before the rest of the joke because

that would be putting descartes before the horse

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkWing2274
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2022
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A hispanic magician tells his audience he will vanish on the count of three...

...he counts, "uno, dos," then disappears without a tres.

Saw this somewhere online, thought it belonged here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ncbenavi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2016
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Hydrogen. Helium. Lithium. Beryllium.

Long ago, the 118 nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the synthetic elements attacked..

Only the Chemist, master of all 118 elements could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he vanished.

100 years passed and my brother and I discovered the new Chemist, a potassium bender named Anion. And although his potassium bending skills are great, he has a lot to learn before he’s ready to save anyone.

But I believe Anion can save the world!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TDSinv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2021
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Hispanic Magic Act

A Hispanic magician tells his audience he will vanish on the count of 3. β€œUno… Dos…” poof he’s gone.

He disappeared without a trΓ©s

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Senas006
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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Did you hear the one about the Mexican illusionist?

He would make things vanish on the count of two. That’s right. He could make things disappear without a tres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eladabbub
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
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Did you hear about the Mexican Magician?

He was performing his act and got the the final trick. On the count of three he would vanish. The audience yelled β€œone”, and the magician smiled, β€œtwo”, and he disappeared without a tres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcookie623
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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A horse enters a bar and orders a drink.

When he’s finished, the barkeep asks if he wants another. The horse replies, β€œI don’t think I do...” and vanished from existence.

To get the joke, you need to know Rene Descartes’ theory β€œI think, therefore I am.” But if I explained that before the joke, I would be putting Descartes before de horse.

<Staring into the crowd like Fozzie Bear>

... I’ll show myself out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techsavior
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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A father catches his son watching Twilight by himself.

The boy says, "Dad, it isn't what it looks like!"

His father laughs heartily and sits down next to him.

"Boy," he says, "you can watch Twilight once."

"Really? You don't mind?"

"Of course not, but remember if you ever watch it again..."

His smile vanishes in an instant.

"...it's a Pattinson."

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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A Spanish magician prepares the audience for his final trick...

He yells "UNO!"

The crowd falls silent in anticipation.

"DOS!"

Everyone's eyes are wide, laser focused on the preformer.

Then, the magician vanishes... without a tres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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How did you know Satan was going to Europe?

The flight from SIN to HEL vanished in Finnair.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captainjbao
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...

The hare vanished into thin hair.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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It was so cold outside yesterday, that we took a man into our home, out of the kindness of our hearts...

We felt so sorry for him because the poor guy was completely covered in snow, but this morning, he had just vanished!

Not a word, not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!

The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!

That's the thanks we get for being good to people?!

I'm warning all of you to watch out for this man!

He is a heavy set, white guy, wearing nothing but a scarf.

He has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny, they look like sticks.

Whatever you do, don't bring him into your house!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
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Mothers Cupboard

A 6 year old opened her mothers cupboard, and was shocked to find an Anti Aging Cream, promising to make one look 10 Years Younger.
Intrigued, the 6 year old put some on... all of a sudden, she just vanished. Never seen again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wecax49
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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A magician walks into a gay bar...

...he has a drink, flirts, then vanishes, with a poof.


^(I’m gay and personally found this hilarious, but many do still view the term β€œpoof” as somewhat offensive, so my apologies if this isn’t in good taste.)

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
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This is my dad’s favorite joke, and it’s completely awful

Three college students (Jim, Tom, and Steve) decided to stay overnight in an abandoned house that was supposedly haunted, all to prove that there was nothing supernatural there. They decided to sleep in separate rooms to increase chances of scary things happening. Each room was connected to one long hallway which lead to some stairs. After a while, the three called it a night and went to their separate rooms.

At midnight, Jim woke up to the sound of a scream coming from one of the rooms. He ran out into the hall where he met Steve, who also had just woken up. They walked into Tom’s room, and he was nowhere to be found. β€œSurely this must be a prank” thought Jim, and he and Steve decided to go back to bed. He slept for almost an hour when Jim woke up to another scream coming from a different room. He ran into the hall, and this time Steve did not join him. He walked into Steve’s room, and noticed that Steve had completely vanished. Still in the mindset that this was a prank by his two friends two, Jim went back to bed.

An hour later, Jim woke up to the sound of thumping in the hallway. He went out of his room and saw a giant coffin with chainsaws attached to where arms would be. The coffin was also blocking the exit, meaning that the only way to go was the stairs! Jim immediately ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, then heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started running again! He ran into another set of stairs going up, so he ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, when once again, he heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started to run. Eventually, he reached a dead end in a bathroom. He turned around to see the coffin at the doorway. Frantically, Jim scavenged the cabinets for anything he could use to fight it. All he could find was some cough drops. Using all the strength he had, he threw the cough drops at the coffin. Upon impact, the coffin suddenly started to dissolve! Before long nothing remained of it. Jim was astonished! The cough drops had stopped his coffin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlatinumPoptart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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My gf cant find her Glasses

Her: Where are they I cant find them!! frantically throwing everything around looking for the mysteriously vanishing spectacles

Me: Did you check the bathroom?

Her: YES!! I cant believe this I'm about to lose it!

Me: Aren't they already lost?

Ill be here allllll week!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/enjoyit7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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Stalin the Last Vodka Bender

Vodka…Vodka…Vodka…Vodka Long ago, the 4 dictatorships lived together in harmony. Then everything changed when the Mao Nation Attacked. Only the Stalin, master of the four elements, could stop them. But when the world needed him most, he vanished (to his underground bunker filled with bottles of vodka). A hundred years past and my fellow AP Euro students discovered the new Leader, a vodka master named Stalin. And although his vodka is great, he still has a lot to chug before he’s ready to out drink anyone. But I believe Stalin can drink it all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWimpyAsianKid
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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And lo, an angel appeared unto the prophet Isaiah, and said:

Angel: "Behold! I exceed ninety degrees!"

Isaiah: "Uh... what?"

And the angel gave no explanation and vanished.

Isaiah muttered: "What an obtuse angel."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2016
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A Mexican magician told his audience that he would vanish on the count of 3. Uno, dos and he disappeared without a tres...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattasaurusrrex
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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A Mexican magician announces that, for his next trick, he will vanish at the count of three...

He counts, "Uno... dos... ", and POOF! he vanished without a tres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scruluce
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2016
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The Spanish magician

The Spanish magician had a new act where he claimed to make himself invisible. β€œOn the count of three I will disappear”, he said. β€œUno, dos….” And then he vanished without a tres.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2021
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Did you hear about the Mexican magician?

He said β€œfor my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without aΒ tres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saccadin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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So there was this Mexican magician..

He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealjeanius
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence. See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'l think; therefore, I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/createsean
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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Have you heard about the Spanish magician?

He said, β€œOn the count of three, I will disappear!” β€œUno!” β€œDos!” And then he vanished, without a tres!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PityNoodz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arayakim
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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A Mexican Magician said....

A Mexican magician said he could vanish on the count of three.

"Uno.. Dos.." Poof

He disappeared...

Without a tres

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faughnjj
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2017
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