The ultimate komedy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harshvithlani
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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Sex when you're camping is the ultimate rush.

It's fucking in tents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tawdry-eloquence
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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My dad finally got to say the ultimate dad joke!

I was hungry af yesterday and I called my dad to buy something to eat

Me: Dad, I'm Hungry

Dad: Hey hungry, I'm dad!

All these years I was so cautious not to fall for it and yesterday was the first time my guard was lowered and he used the opportunity!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids "Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?"

One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?

Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkbow85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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Hate is the ultimate divider
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theEndWasShit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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The ultimate fusion restaurant.

I have a great idea for a restaurant Mexican and Taiwanese fusion.

Tai-Juan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vorenthral
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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I got you the ultimate compilation
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StalineSexSlave2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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The ultimate pun
πŸ‘︎ 380
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chloraflora
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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Did you hear that a group of dads created the ultimate gun?

It's called the jk-47

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gelldole
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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Just thought of the ultimate Christmas present...

... a broken drum, you can't beat it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Just-Jonny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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The ultimate pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PointyPorcupine9
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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The ultimate catfish
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whothehellispaige
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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The ultimate dad joke a Hollywood could pull would be casting Ryan Gosling as Goose’s son in Top Gun 2.
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conan-doodle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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[META] Is this the ultimate dad joke?

A while ago, my daughter told me she was into fan fiction. I told her I used to be as well, but I changed to air conditioner fiction... because it was cooler.

She was not amused.

I have now created a subreddit called r/AirConditionerFiction

If you have the time and the desire, drop by and leave a short work of fiction regarding air conditioning. If this is successful, I will give my daughter a link and wait to see her facial expression. I will also prepare for being put in a less-then-stellar retirement home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/welded_angus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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The Ultimate Dad Joke
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArbiterInqui
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 king’s day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.

This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.

Photos here:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3

Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sloanautomatic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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My wife was wanting to throw a shirt into the dryer to get the wrinkles out but she wanted to spray it with water first. She couldn’t find a spray bottle close by so she instead grabbed the iron to spray it... talk about the ultimate irony.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vonberns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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The ultimate dad joke I made this for when my son asks how babies are made

https://www.instagram.com/dkmpose/p/BwoRJ19BCgG/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=pg995ffh0pc7

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dizzydestroy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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The ultimate joke

A guy takes his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. the rental line is really long, but eventually he does it. He goes to buy her flowers, the line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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the ultimate childhood mindfuck imgur.com/gallery/xnwK0If
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leelee93
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2013
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My dad has the ultimate nerd jokes

3 guys are in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no way to light them. What do they do?
Throw 1 cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 666
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waker7281
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
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Was told the ultimate dad joke today.. (I may be over exaggerating a little)

I work a cancer hospital and schedule patients for surgery and procedures and stuff. I had this one couple who I knew I would like as soon as they sat down. The first thing the man says to me β€œyou wanna hear a joke?” Me β€œah, of course!” ....a few moments of silence go by... dad β€œdid you hear about that actress? I think she played in miss congeniality? It was Reese something? She committed suicide.” Totally buying the story I go, β€œare you serious!? Reese Witherspoon!?” And with out a beat he says β€œNo, with a knife.” And I looked at him for a few seconds to comprehend the joke and then lost it! I know this is probably old but it’s a classic.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brooklynne33
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
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The ultimate Can't opener reddit.com/r/memes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McUpt
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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Fozzie the Bear tells the ultimate dad jokes.
  1. Did I tell you the one about the man with the light bulb in his nose? He was lightheaded.

  2. Why are fish so smart? 'Cause they swim in schools.

  3. Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog? Because it was a chili dog.

  4. Fozzie:Β There was this sailor that was SO fat Sailor:Β How fat was he? Fozzie:Β He was so fat that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all.

  5. Why do movie stars have lots of fans?Because theirΒ hot.

  6. What do you get when you put chocolate pudding in your mother's shoes? You get a spanking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patient_zero84
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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If y'all haven't seen the Ultimate Dad Joke Duel, Now's your chance youtube.com/watch?v=YXDh-…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnglazedDonuts
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2017
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Sleeping with the Fishes: Necrophiliac's Ultimate Wet Dream

Cross post from /r/sixwordstories

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whygeorgia
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
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The ultimate dad joke

I toss a sheep, a drum, and a snake off a cliff.

Ba. Dum. Tsssss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doznotcomputer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
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I think we can all agree that the Ultimate Dad Joke...

...is when you can successfully pull off a Henway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UristMcFinn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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This looks like the ULTIMATE collab i.reddituploads.com/b461c…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tcolecruz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2017
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The ultimate dad joke

Me: "Hey Dad, what's for dinner?"

Dad: "Food!!!!!"

Every damn time...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fivetenfiftyfold
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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My dad bought me the ultimate dad joke mug while in Cape Cod imgur.com/sam3Y0g
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diltay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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Behold: The Ultimate Croudsourced map of punny businesses in America atlasobscura.com/articles…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freshgeardude
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2015
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The ultimate Halloween dad joke.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lesmullet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
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The Ultimate Dad Joke Duel youtube.com/watch?v=MepBe…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GlassOrange
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
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The ultimate dad off

I know we don't normally do this but I had no choice, I had to share it https://youtu.be/CYVBfaot8tU?t=31s

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mdogm
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2017
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Is the first Austin Powers movie the ultimate dadjoke movie?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boochoog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
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My dad is the epitome of this subreddit, so I want to share one of his ultimate go-to stories:

When I was a young boy, I was playing in my front yard with my brother. A man in a van pulled up and asked us to help him find his puppy. My brother, being older and wiser, ran inside. I, however, fell for the prank and hopped in the van, eager to find the dog. The man became hostile and I quickly realized he was kidnapping me. I had to think fast. I was panicking.

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" I shouted loudly.

The man was unhappy, but took us to a gas station so that I could go. He grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes and sternly said "If you're up to anything, I'll kill you! Don't say anything to anybody. You better come right back!"

I went into the bathroom and looked around. A window! I quickly scrambled on top of the toilet and popped the window open. I hauled myself up to the opening and began to pull myself out and to freedom when a hand grabbed my foot! It was the man! He began pulling my leg...

Just like I'm pulling yours.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sparty_party
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

πŸ‘︎ 411
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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The ultimate dad joke

Go ask your mom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwareSpring708
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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The Ultimate Dad Joke: The Bulgarian Train Driver

Okay, so this has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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