Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"

"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."

πŸ‘︎ 694
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsradford
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop coughing when he went to try his new suit?

He had a coughing fit.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunytou
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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A guy walks up to the convenience store counter and tries to buy a six pack with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming, grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter until he was out cold.

She was SO upset she had a counter fit.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
The guy at the hardware store tried to sell me a 500 ft spool of rope for $2, but I refused.

I hate long good buys.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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Did you hear about the guy trying out for editor for the sums series of Math Magazine?

It was an addition edition audition.

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smrkk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I was working behind the bar today when two guys came in and tried to pay with a couple of counterfeit Β£10 notes. When I told the manager, he asked what they looked like..

β€œLike Β£10 notes” I told him

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.

Sadly, there was no plaque on it.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.

I think it was Scampoo.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deceze
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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The guy who mans the fishing rods on my boat tried to convince me to vote for a candidate. I fired him.

Pole workers aren't allowed to do that!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who tried to evade his taxes?

It did not pay off.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alienhighness
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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I wanted to know how to build big muscular shoulders. I tried asking a guy with big traps at the gym, but I still have no answer...

...every time I ask him, he just shrugs.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mihaaal2481
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, β€œI’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”

I said, β€œYeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you shit faced.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gun_God
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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Did you hear about the team of white guys that tried to compete in an all vietnamese soccer league?

They didnt Nguyen a single game

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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Proud Dad Moment

Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said β€œI guess they’re going to arrest him for assaulting an officer.” 😁

Never been prouder of my daughter. 😎

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisgoggs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Just a guy at the airport trying to pick up chicks
πŸ‘︎ 804
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πŸ‘€︎ u/360noJesus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Hear about the guy who tried autoerotic asphyxiation for the first time?

He said it was a noose sensation

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redrickfloats
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened to the guy that tried to catch the fog?

He mist

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ICE0124
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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I was trying to get help for my mental health issues, but the guy helping me turned out to be completely crazy

He was a psycho therapist

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DutchBlob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who tried to glue tree branches together?

It wood glue but the branches wooden stick

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoadTheBacon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy tried to tell me the difference between a crow and a raven is that a crow’s call is β€œcaw” and a raven’s call is β€œnevermore.”

He was a Poe source of information.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peterfranciscook
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who tried to climb a hill without a watch?

He didn't make it because he had neither the time nor the inclination.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordsmiles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the polish guy who thought is wife was trying to kill because he found β€œpolish remover” in the house ...
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicymember
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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Did you hear about the recently fired IT guy who tried killing his boss?

Luckily his gun jammed so he had troubleshooting.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjjsteen3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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Help me guys! I tried to film a cake being baked, with my new camera, but when I turned on the oven, it broke

I swear that it said the camera could record in 360 degrees, on the box

Edit: corrected a typo

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielnm1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I read a story where the bad guy was trying to get rifles banned.

He was the anti-gunist.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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Did you hear about the guy that tried to file a lawsuit against the left part of his body?

It was attempted sue-a-side.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I was waiting for my lunch at the Vietnamese food truck, when a guy tried to cut in line in front of me.

I said, β€œ Dude, pho queue.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who tried to bring roadkill onto an airplane?

The ticket agent asked him if it was check-in or carrion.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MontysBeret
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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Did you hear about the guy who tried to ride a bike on the summit of Mt Everest?

It started out well but then things went downhill pretty fast.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CybergothiChe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
🚨︎ report
I punched a guy who tried to rob me as I got on the bus.

It was only fare.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sgt_Mufflebuns
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who tried to fistbump a man who had been executed on the gallows

Yeah he just left him hanging

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/STRaYF3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2017
🚨︎ report
Let's not laugh at the guy who fell into the campfire while trying to jump over it.

He was already ember assed.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Happy Ending

A guy walks into a bar on Ash Wednesday and orders a beer. "I'm really having a hard time trying to decide what to give up for Lent," he tells the bartender. "Well let me tell you a little cautionary tale about giving things up for Lent," the bartender says. "A particular family in LA has been abstaining from using one letter of the alphabet for Lent each year, since 2001. It started as a joke, giving up "A" in 2001 and "B" in 2002, but developed into a strong family tradition. This year, one of the members has a tough choice to make. Unlike the rest of the Astleys, Rick made a solemn vow... "

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frudedude
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!

πŸ‘︎ 236
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BelleskaTROn-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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I went on a school trip over the weekend, where there was one guy always trying to get everyone to laugh

At one place where we'd stopped for lunch, several people noticed a butt-print on the back of one of our vehicles, and this guy looking rather amused with himself. Once everyone had noticed and was aware of the situation, he proudly said, "Well, looks like the van got rear ended!"

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elyezabeth
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2014
🚨︎ report
A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 990
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A jewish pastor becomes a missionary...

...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, β€œWell, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, β€œSilly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy is sitting on his couch bored.

He decides he wants to spice up his day and call his dealer. He asks his dealer, "hey, do you have anything new I haven't tried?" His dealer responds, "I just got some new weed named after old cartoon characters! It's some potent stuff!" The guy accepts this and meets up with the dealer. When he gets back home, he goes to roll a joint and finds that it just doesn't want to stay rolled and keeps coming apart. Frustrated, he calls the dealer back. "This shit just won't stay rolled! What did you sell me?" The dealer responds, "that's just how the scooby doobie do!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I actually lived a dad joke. (Details below)

I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, β€œHey, don’t try to start anything in here”

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Two buddies decide to go ice-fishing one day.

So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.

Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"

"What was that?"

"It sounded like the voice of God!"

"Well let's try somewhere else."

They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:

"There are no fish here!"

So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:

"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeppermintBiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.

He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says β€œno, the steaks are too high”.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tugboattt
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
[True story of Dad] The cat

I used to have a black cat named Big Guy. When I left for college, he stayed with my parents. One day I got a call from my mom and she mentioned he was missing. They hadn't seen him in a week. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and would occasionally disappear for a few days, but a whole week was unusual.

Anyway, I was bummed. I was set to visit the next week and was looking forward to seeing my cat.

I flew home and... it was weird. Now they had two cats! Both black. And Big Guy was back! But... why two cats now?

So here's the dad part. My mom started to really miss him. My dad saw this and went to the local shelters to see if anyone turned him in. He said, "After the 3rd one, I pretty much gave up."

So then my mom said, "So your father got another cat he thought looked "close enough" and tried to convince me it was Big Guy. I said, 'Have you lost it? This cat is a GIRL!'"

Then Big Guy came home.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
5 Cringey Puns

(Sorry For Not Posting, I Was Busy)

  1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

  2. I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

  3. Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

  4. I didn't use to care much for most puns but over time some of them have groan on me.

  5. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

(Source For All Puns: https://www.punoftheday.com/cgi-bin/disppuns.pl?ord=F&cat=0&sub=0&page=1)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/punsdaily
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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