Just sharing that I saved up enough money as a young father to finally buy a Tesla.
Did you hear about the guy that went to the emergency room because he shoved 26 toy horses up his @ss?
Don't worry… his condition is stable.
The other day my dog fell into a lake and was drowning. Then some German guy came out of nowhere and saved his life
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the “brilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.
To my surprise he shrugged and said sure.
On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers.
“Daaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears.
Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said “Well, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
I'm reminded of the time the King was saved in battle by his grandchildren
A man was admitted at the hospital with 25 plastic toy horses in his rectum.
Doctors report his condition as stable.
Would you walk hundreds of miles, climb a volcano and risk your life for the sake of saving the world?
Did you know that your pupils are the last parts to stop working after you die?
Very disappointed to find out that the universal remote control I bought does not control the universe.
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Did you hear about the optometrist who saved a life?
Some people told their dad that Dora has a visual impairment and that Boots and the viewers were her eyes. Then the father bought them Dora-themed gifts for Christmas.
And then someone commented "They must've thought you were a-Dora-ble.
Why didn’t the rope get any presents for Christmas?
We’re in the process of potty training my two year old. My wife took her into the bathroom and argued with her that she’s not allowed to take toys into the bathroom.
I interrupted her and told her that it is in fact called a toy-let.
My cats didn’t like the toys I got them.
They asked if I was kitten.
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?
Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..
Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.
Did you know that the actor who plays Vizzini from the Princes Bride is an antibiotic?
Wife was at the doctor’s office yesterday and texted me that she’s tired of waiting.
I told her to…be patient.
I’m a new dad of a five-month old baby and I was quite proud of this moment.
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
Last Christmas, all I wanted was the gift of good grammar.
But God doesn't listen properly, does he? He just Sent a Clause.
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
Did you hear the story about a glass of milk that saved the world once?
Once a coin saved a person's life, the coin was in his shirt pocket, the coin deflected the bullet shot at him
The coin was truly his life savings
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Did you hear about the Mormon drummer that married 4 women with the same name?
Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 1,2,3,4
I have a new pen that can write underwater, and in a volcano and on the north pole.
It can write other things too.
Did you hear that less toys have been made this year in Santa’s workshop?
Many of his workers had to Elf Isolate.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
/r/Jokes/comments/i7puax/…
They've discovered a breed of oxen that is genetically identical from one generation to the next, each one an almost exact copy of the one that came before except for some slight degradation.
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
The coins in a WW1 soldiers pocket saved him from a bullet.
Some might say it was his life savings.
Have you heard of the Christmas game that Germans play?
If you think that your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough...
the vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years...
My wife and kids told me to stop singing Christmas songs. They said 'It's March, save it for the one day it is Christmas!'
I said 'Oh... I wish it could be Christmas everyday.'
The T-Shirt that my Daughter got me for Father's Day is a Dad Joke about Dad Jokes
I wish I could post a picture here, but it says, "Dad Jokes are how eye roll."
It's a meta-Dad joke. I'm so proud of her!
What is the best type of music to listen to on Christmas eve?
People say that money is not the key to happiness...
But I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
Since this is a “Nana” tree (common name for Juniperus Procumens Green Mountain Juniper bonsai), it was suggested I have a “ba”. Therefore, since the stock ticker for Boeing is BA, I bought a toy 787. That means there is now a “banana” on the counter.
What is it about all the Psychics that I ever visit.. they're either totally depressed, or too excitable.
It's really hard to find a happy Medium..
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